She Had Been Waiting for Me
by bemj11
Summary: Chapter Sixty. Wow, sixty. Huh. Anyway... Day three was a disaster. I never even made it to class.
1. Chapter 1

She had been waiting for me.

I had walked into the room and there the radiant creature had stood. She had been beautiful, gorgeous, and most surprisingly, like me. One of my kind. As if there were something about this nightmarish existence that could be good. And she had been waiting, there, for me. This woman whom I had never before met.

It never occurred to me to doubt her, or, the doubts that were forming at her words were silenced when I looked into her eyes. I had seen fondness, attraction, even love there. This person whom did not yet know me loved me deeply and entirely.

I was lost in her, in the emotions she felt for me already, and was suddenly, instantly, drawn to her. I had known her for less than a minute, but already could not imagine life, such as mine was, without her. I was already deeply in love with her, already afraid of losing her.

When she said we would be going to find our family, I was confused, surprised, and terrified. Our family? Did she already have a family that she was taking me to? Were they like us? Would it be like it had been before? Would I be around others who could not understand the depression I felt every time I had to feed? Would they even want to try to understand?

Or were they human? They could not be! I hoped desperately that they were not. I could scarcely control myself as it was; I would never be able to keep myself under control if in close proximity to humans. Not now, not as long as it had been since my last hunt.

Of course, it had been too long; I had been having difficulty keeping my thoughts focused, at least until I had seen her. The thought sent a spasm of burning pain into my throat, and I winced.

But I went with her. How could I not? Just the thought of being separated from this woman, such little time as I had known her aside, was more agonizing than the thirst I was fighting off as we walked through the crowd.

I did not even know her name, yet already she meant the universe to me. She was a ray of hope; perhaps not everything about this existence was dark and bleak.

She knew mine though. I was surprised as she prattled away cheerfully as if we had always known each other. I stopped and stared when she called me Jazz. She stopped too, and wrinkled her nose. I feel the confusion she was experiencing.

"Is something wrong, Jasper?" She asked at last, tentatively.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. "No, I suppose not." I replied. "It's simply…"

"What?" She asked, staring into my eyes. If I had needed to breathe, I would have been dizzy from lack of air when I finally managed to draw the breath necessary to form my reply.

"I don't even know who you are." I said softly. "You obviously know me, you claim to have been waiting for me. You are whisking me away to what you refer to as our family, and I would follow you there. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, for all that I've known you for less than a day, and I don't even know your name. I don't know anything more about you than that I never want to leave your side." I hesitated. "Is this right?"

She beamed at me, then giggled. "My name is Alice." She said almost shyly. "And it is right, Jazz. You've only just met me, but I've been waiting a long time for you."

I swallowed, a human trait I hadn't indulged in in possibly centuries, and tried to understand what had just happened. How had I managed to end up with her? Why would someone so perfect be waiting for me?

Alice. Such a beautiful name. She was perfect, really. Exquisite. She was small, and dainty, and somehow so fragile. I longed to follow her, to protect her from the evils of the world.

And even though I had only met this woman, and had no reason to trust her, I did. I trusted her implicitly. I would have walked into a crowded accident scene if she had asked me to, and never given a moment's thought to the dangers.

I would go with her, and stay with her. I would meet her family, and do whatever else she wanted, if it meant I would be with her and would get to feel her joy.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	2. Chapter 2

We ran, laughing and smiling, and for perhaps the first time since I had begun this cursed existence, I was happy. We traveled through places I had never seen before, places with little or no human life to worry about. Time escaped my notice.

Only one thing marred this happiness, the growing knowledge that I would soon have to feed. I had gone too long as it was, I doubted I would be able to control myself should I catch that scent…

She looked at me as we stopped running; not because we were tired, but because there seemed to be some quiet kind of joy to walking together in comfortable silence. She regarded me seriously, then nodded as if she had made some sort of decision.

"You need to feed." She said at last, and I cringed. "We will have to pass near humans to reach our home, Jasper. It would be bad for our family if you were to lose control there."

"What about you?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"I can wait." She said simply. "Unless you would prefer to hunt together." She added as the thought came to her, but she seemed uncomfortable with the idea.

"I can wait." I said, though I knew I could resist, at this point, only as long as I did not have to smell any humans. Did she know that as well? What would she think of me?

But she was my kind. She, too, fed as I did. Did she have the same reluctance? Or had she simply fed more recently?

She shook her head. "If you do not feed now, there may be an accident if I cannot hold you back, Jasper." The thought of her trying to keep me from losing my control was painful; who knew what I would do to anyone who stood between me and my prey. I could not put her in such danger. I would not.

I would not do anything to hurt her. "I will hunt tonight." I said, trying to keep the resignation out of my voice. "I wouldn't want to cause trouble for your family."

"Our family." She replied, her stern tone undermined by the mischievous twinkle in her eyes and the merriment of her emotions. "I know you don't like it, Jasper." She said solemnly, her mood sobering. "But it would be worse if you were to loose control so close to home."

I nodded, she was right about that. The panic and terror that would be caused by a vampire running rampant, slaughtering humans left and right, not to mention if the Volturi became involved-" I shuddered as I broke off the thought.

It hurt to leave her that night, even though I knew she would be waiting when I came back. I didn't want to leave her, to leave that buoyant disposition behind and head into the darkness, and towards some victim whose life I would end tonight.

I hunted quickly, efficiently, blocking out the terror and fear and pain and cries until after, and fighting to get a handle on these emotions before I reached her. To spread the misery I was struggling against to her, to gentle, sweet, cheerful Alice. I would not expose her to such a thing.

She was waiting for my return, still and quiet, and nearly threw her arms around me as I came to stand before her. I flinched. How could she love anyone capable of doing what I had just done with such ruthless efficiency?

That aside, I was scarcely used to being able to trust someone, to have someone care so much for me, to care so much for someone else. This proof that she too cared was too much at the moment. I could not handle it.

She seemed to sense my unease, though, and stopped. "Not ready for that yet, I see." She said softly, smiling as if I hadn't just rejected her act of affection. As if it were perfectly acceptable for me to be reluctant, though we already loved and trusted each other more deeply than I could have ever imagined possible.

We continued on our way, running through the night towards our destination. I focused my thoughts on what lay ahead in a desperate attempt to drown out the cries that still echoed in my mind, the terror and despair of my latest victim.

We reached the city shortly before noon, and we stopped shortly before passing near it. "Ready?" She asked.

I nodded, and braced myself. Not breathing certainly seemed prudent, whether I had fed recently or not; the smell had always been agonizingly enticing for me, the depression to come never enough of a threat to keep me from giving in if I wasn't careful.

Careful meaning that if it had been more than a couple days, I didn't breathe around them. Careful meaning that one single, solitary drop of blood would be enough to push me over the edge and into a frenzy that focused on nothing save the thrill and the scent and the taste. I shivered, this time at the memory of my fangs sinking into my prey's throat. The heat of the blood, the sweetness of it, set all my senses into the focus of the hunter.

I shuddered as the inevitable memory of the emotions of my victims flashed through my mind, and Alice made as if to lay a hand on my shoulder. "I'll be there, Jasper. You'll be okay."

I took a deep breath to calm myself, and nodded. Then I ceased breathing altogether, and we walked past the city.

The house, if it could be called a house, was grand. It was large, as if for a big family, but well kept and ordered, as if no one actually lived there. Present was the scent of my kind; her family was like us. The scent was somehow different, though, from what I was accustomed to, though I could not fathom why.

I puzzled over this as she led me through the yard and to the front porch. She grinned at me, as gleeful as if someone had just handed her the world. "Should we knock?" She asked innocently.

I hesitated as I tried to calm my nerves. This was her family, everything would be fine. "If they're family…" I said.

She beamed at me. "No need to knock, then." She threw open the door. "We're home!" She declared, as she walked in, I following in her footsteps.

I was not prepared for the welcome we received. Five vampires appeared as if from nowhere, their faces fierce, their eyes intense, their stances defensive.

Their alarm and fear hit me, and I nearly staggered as it was accompanied by the aggression and tension these vampires radiated. I cringed as the emotions hit me in waves from five different places.

I was only slightly aware of Alice's reactions as I struggled with my own reactions and those of these strangers. Alice threw her arms around a tense woman, the older looking of the two, and a growl came from one of the males, a growl that was not accompanied by any action because the oldest male, the blond, had given the other a look, one that plainly said to wait. He was the leader, then.

Alice let go of the startled woman and skipped over to the leader, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Hi mom, Hi dad." She said as she did so. She turned to the male who had been ready to attack her. "Edward, my favorite brother!" She squealed. "Not that I don't absolutely adore you, too Emmett." She said to the other male. "And not to slight you, Rosalie." She added, addressing the other female, the blond. She skipped through the house, oblivious to the fact that we weren't welcome here. "And here's my room!" I heard her exclaim. "Just as I saw it, Jazz!" She squealed, and I could feel the happiness come rolling off of her.

It was too much at once, really. Fear, concern, aggression, curiosity, the tension, the sheer joy and delight, along with my own mistrust, anxiety, and what was quickly becoming panic, never mind the guilt and despair that was always ready to overcome me if I let my guard down: all these emotions hit me at once through the calm I had been trying to project to keep things from exploding.

I groaned and slumped backwards, away from these vampires, aware of nothing but the pain as I processed too many varied emotions too strongly at once. Concern sprang up, making things worse, and I pressed my hands against my face in an effort to block everything out.

"Jasper!" She was beside me in a second, helping me up, opening the door, ordering the others to "Stay there!" as she led me outside and to a chair on the porch. I sank into it almost numbly, and sat with my head in my hands.

The distance helped with the others, and she seemed to be trying to control herself, and I became aware enough to realize I was shaking, and that she was worried, even terrified, for me.

Concern, though controlled, increased, and I realized one of them had come outside. I heard him ask softly if he could help.

"I'm fine." I said, my voice steady from long years of practice. "I just needed a minute."

"I'm so sorry, Jazz." Alice was saying, and I felt her guilt. "I didn't even think, I didn't see anything, I should have-"

I lifted a trembling hand to stop her. "It happens." I said. "I probably would have been fine if I hadn't been trying to calm everyone in the house."

"Still." She insisted, determined to feel bad. "I never even thought about how they would react. I never even thought about how I would act. It was impulsive, and foolish. It's the same thing I did to you."

What could I say? Though her sorrow made me ache, I couldn't think clearly enough to come up with a reason that she was wrong. "I'm glad you did." I said finally, and she knew I was referring to our meeting.

"Are you certain there is nothing I can do?" The male asked, and I shook my head. "I am a doctor." He added reassuringly. It felt weird to have someone I didn't even know worried about me like this. I managed an insincere smile that he must have seen, because he then turned his attentions to Alice. "Have we met?" He asked her politely. He was a bit alarmed, I realized, but mostly curious.

I could hear her smile. "We have now." She said. "I'm Alice, and this is Jasper. We're your newest family members." She announced, and I nearly choked. It wasn't our family, it wasn't even her family. They didn't even know her. "This is Carlisle, by the way, Jasper." She told me. "And he really is a doctor." I couldn't imagine how a vampire could manage as a doctor. I couldn't even manage as much of anything.

"Pardon," He, Carlisle, said, still so politely, "how did you know that?"

"I saw it." She said brightly, explaining to him what she had recently told me; about her gift, and how it had led her to me, and us here.

"I see." He said when she had finished. "Welcome to the family, then, Alice. And Jasper." He added, turning to me. "When you're both ready, we can introduce you to the rest of the family." He chuckled softly. "I must admit, you did startle us."

"Sorry." Said Alice, feeling just a little sheepish, though not very. She turned to me. "We can wait as long as you need to, Jasper."

I took a deep breath, and sat up straight. "I'm ready now." I said, though in truth I was the farthest thing from it. I wondered what I had gotten myself into, but knew I would have done it all over again simply because she had been the one leading.

To make the family more at ease, Carlisle handled the rest of the introductions. Esme was Doctor Cullen's wife, the woman Alice had hugged. Rosalie and Emmett were also married, the other male, the one who had growled at my Alice, was Edward.

He looked at me as I reflected on that, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. "Edward reads thoughts." Alice leaned in and whispered, and I watched as he shot her an inquisitive glance before nodding in understanding. He must have found an explanation in her thoughts.

"I did." He said to me. It was disconcerting to realize that he could read my every thought, that he would be privy to every thing that went through my mind. That was about as pleasant as picking up on the every emotion of those around you, I reckoned. He inclined his head as if agreeing with me.

Rosalie was irritated, I realized, angry even. I turned to study her, and her eyes spoke clearly; she did not want us here. She was afraid, too; afraid of what trouble we might cause for her and her family.

The others were mostly bemused, but already entranced with Alice. They would let us stay, if only for her sake.

The corner of Edward's mouth twitched, and I knew I was right. It hardly mattered, though, as long as I was with her. I wondered what I would do without her. Edward rolled his eyes.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were interesting, if awkward at times. Doctor Cullen was interested in Alice's gift, but more in us ourselves; our pasts, our stories. Alice could remember very little, though, and I was scarcely inclined to speak of my past, lest I quickly find myself an unwelcome visitor. He was respectful of that, even understanding. He was courteous, always, kind, and accepting. Given that he refrained from pushing himself on us, I found myself willing to give this man a chance. Alice, of course, had loved him as a father before they had even met.

Esme was more difficult, at least for me. Alice already loved her, just as she already loved all of her new, adopted family. Esme tried telling us about the members of the family and the house and the town, but was amused when Alice kept interrupting with additional information on the same subjects. She rapidly accepted Alice as a second daughter, and tried treating me as a son. It frightened me, and so I kept my distance, though I could feel her hurt as I avoided her.

Rosalie was easy, she simply avoided us whenever possible. Alice was patient, though. "Don't worry." She assured me. "She'll get over it."

Emmett was easy as well. He merely accepted that we were there, and left it at that. He joked with Alice, his 'little sister,' teasing her and picking on her with a good nature. He let me be, waiting for me to take the first step, and when I declined to do so, he just brushed it off.

I avoided Edward, though Alice seemed to like him. I was terrified of him getting into my head, seeing the things I had seen, the things I had done. These people were different, somehow, from other vampires, and I feared that once they realized I was not, I would no longer be welcome.

There was a problem, though, one that worsened as the days went by. Though I had fed before coming here, it had been several days now, and I rarely went more than a week without feeding. It was the longest I felt I could safely go and keep my senses about me, so to speak. A week was almost torturous, even going several days was difficult, and the thirst was getting worse every day.

But here, among my own kind, I was not subjected to the scent of humans, the scent of blood. They seemed not to feel a need to hunt; or perhaps they did that separately, at night. Perhaps they did not speak of it. I cringed from the depression that usually followed me after feeding, and forced myself to ignore the burning in my throat.

Alice was rapidly making friends with these strangers, and well on her way to making them family as well. The Cullens couldn't help but love her; even Rosalie was thawing out in her coolness towards her new 'sister.'

The inevitable happened, I suppose, one cloudy morning as I was finally beginning to relax somewhat. That is, I had actually stopped waiting for the Cullens to ask us to leave. I was outside, avoiding Edward, it was easier than not thinking around him, when I heard the footsteps.

I froze instantly. I could hear two sets of heartbeats. They were both girls, both children. They had been hiking in the woods and gotten lost, I gathered from their conversation. They were hoping this road would lead them somewhere where they could get help getting home.

The wind shifted, and I heard Alice and Edward both shout Emmett's name. There was more but I failed to notice as I drew in the scent of prey. I lunged as the two girls came into view, I would need only a second to disable the one, two more to take care of the other, and the Cullens need never even know.

Something jerked me back, tried to subdue me, and I tried to turn, thrashing and snarling. I could hear shouts, and a calm voice offer the girls a ride home, which enraged me all the more. Someone had come between me and my prey, and they would pay for it. I was in agony now; I had gone too long without feeding. My thirst would not be denied.

A car started and roared off. I turned to scratch at my captor, but it seemed to have little effect. One of the others, then. I snarled, and fought all the more desperately to get loose. My captor simply held me tighter, to the point that I registered pain and realized I was having difficulty breathing.

I screamed in rage and fury as I realized I could not get loose. It was inhuman; a grim reminder that I myself was inhuman as well. I struggled for a time yet, reluctant to admit I was beaten.

As the air cleared, I slowly became more aware. Alice was shaking, her head in her hands; Esme stood with an arm wrapped comfortingly around her. Rosalie was trying to glare at everyone at once, and Doctor Cullen was frowning.

Emmett, I realized, was holding me. I snarled again, and my rage nearly knocked him back a step. As he did, I became aware of the emotions around me: Rosalie's anger, Doctor Cullen and Esme's concern, Emmett's irritation, but mostly, Alice's guilt.

That stopped me instantly. She felt guilty for my actions. Perhaps she felt she should never had brought me here. Should never have found me in the first place. Did she blame herself? How could she?

Doctor Cullen felt guilty too, or was starting to. "Let him go, Emmett." He said softly, and I felt myself released.

I could follow the car. I was fast enough. I could find them. Hunt them down. Edward wasn't here, he wouldn't know. Alice would, though.

She gasped as I lunged towards the woods, and this time it was Doctor Cullen who caught me, restraining me as I again snarled and thrashed and fought to get free. I would hunt them down.

The guilt knocked my sense back into me a second time. But it was not simply hers this time; it was the Doctor's as well. As if he should have known better. Known better than to what? To welcome us in?

He would ask us to leave, then, or at least me. Alice would be able to stay, they adored her. But I would have to leave. Here I had just outright opposed the leader of this coven. There was no way I could stay.

I don't know which hurt me more, the thought of both of us having to go, of Alice having to leave her new family, or the thought of having to leave her here. I fell to my knees, or would have, had Doctor Cullen not been supporting me. As it was, he lowered me slowly as I cringed from contact with him.

He let me go, not that I moved, and slowly used one finger to raise my eyes to meet his. His own eyes widened slightly, and I could feel his alarm. "When was the last time you hunted?" He asked softly, but I knew the others could hear him anyway.

I shrugged, reluctant to have this discussion in spite of what had just happened. He waited, though, concern evident in his eyes, until I finally managed a whispered reply.

"Eleven days." I said, and noted the puzzlement that resulted. It lasted for very few seconds, though, and he asked another question.

"How often do you usually hunt?" He sounded like a doctor asking questions of just another patient rather than a monster who had just tried to murder two innocent children. I couldn't help answering anyway.

"I don't usually go more than a week." I wanted to look away; I knew what was coming next.

"You usually hunt on a weekly basis." It wasn't normal, I knew. "Why?" He asked, both curious and worried.

"It's the longest I feel I can go without losing control if I run into a human." I replied, doubting that would clear up anything. It never had before.

"Why go so long?" He asked. "Why not hunt more often?" I shuddered, involuntarily, as the answer to that slammed into my mind.

A young woman, begging me to stop, to let her go, to let her go home. Utter terror left her unable to scream very loudly, panic left her unable to think clearly, not that it would have helped. Betrayal, for this young man had seemed so kind and caring. Despair as she realized she was truly going to die and that there was nothing she could do about it. Pain as I bit into her throat, and one last jerk, one last attempt at escape.

A man. Fear sent adrenaline pumping through his veins, yet he stood bravely. He knew there was no hope, but he would not give this monster the satisfaction of seeing that he was afraid. Sorrow, for his wife and children. He would never see them again. He would never look into her eyes…

A child, lost and alone, so innocent and trusting. Asking for help, trying to find his mother. I had waited too long; I had only enough presence to lead the child into a dark alleyway. He trusted me right up until I ripped out his throat, his eyes widening in shock and confusion. More pain. There was always pain. The child tried to cry as he died, but couldn't.

The daughter, soon to be married. The grandmother, raising her two grandchildren alone. The five people I had slaughtered simply because I had put off feeding for one more day.

"Enough!" A voice broke through the memories as I knelt there on the ground, shaking as the memories I had tried to suppress for centuries threatened to overwhelm me. I blinked, and realized I was leaning into Doctor Cullen, who had wrapped his arms around me as if I were one of his own.

He was watching Edward, who was slumped against the car. He had returned then, and had been bombarded with everything that had gone through my mind. I frowned, angry with myself for being so weak, for causing him that kind of pain.

"It's okay." Edward said, mainly to me. "I was just surprised." That was all he would say on the matter, but he retreated inside and away from me rather quickly. I couldn't blame him. Sometimes I wished I could flee from myself.

Doctor Cullen was sorry, but patiently waiting for an answer. Alice looked up, excited now. She had seen something coming.

I looked for an answer I could give. "You know about Alice. How she can read the future." I said, and he nodded. "You remember how when we first arrived I-" I hesitated, looking for the right words, "I had to leave." I said at last.

"You seemed to be in pain." He said softly. "Something had certainly upset you."

"I can feel the emotions of others." I said, and waited for him to ask what that had to do with anything. I could manipulate them, too, but that was hardly relevant at this time.

He didn't, though. His eyes widened, as if my answer explained everything. It did, of course, though nobody ever really understood the connection. "Then you feel their emotions…" He trailed off, and I was grateful. "It must be very hard for you." He said after a moment.

I nodded, hardly daring to believe that this near stranger understood what so many had not. I said nothing more. There was no need for me to.

"If there were another way-" He began, and I cut him off with a harsh laugh. My voice sounded cruel and mocking to my own ears as I questioned him.

"Don't you think I've tried?" I asked sharply. "We are scarcely capable of starving to death." I snapped. "Not feeding isn't an option either. I'd simply go berserk the next time I was near anything human. You saw that today. I can't go without feeding. I can limit it, limit how often I have to kill, how much damage I do, but I can no more stop feeding than any other vampire."

I expected him to be angry at my words and the scorn I was directing at him, but I was surprised. He was sad, and, again, concerned, and I was shocked to realize that he felt these emotions for me.

His voice was calm, when he spoke, even. "I wasn't suggesting that you refrain from feeding, Jasper." It was the first time he had addressed me by name. "I was suggesting that you don't have to feed on humans."

I stared at him as if he had just announced that I didn't have to be a monster anymore if I didn't want to. In effect, he had. I became aware that my mouth had fallen open as Alice giggled, and quickly closed it.

Then I considered what he had said. He was suggesting that I no longer have to feed off humans. That I would no longer have to hear their screams or feel their terror. That I could avoid the emotions of those victims. Was it really possible, or was this merely some twisted joke? The confusion and fear of the children from earlier came back to me, and I nodded to myself. It was worth a try.

Alice squealed and threw herself at me, barely managing to stop herself as I flinched. I looked at Doctor Cullen. "How?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

He smiled, pleased with my response. "We will show you, Jasper. Tonight, if you wish."

That night I discovered a new way to feed, and truth be told, I hated it. The taste was terrible, and I longed for the sweet taste of real, human blood, not this pathetic substitute.

Edward spared me a glance at that. He was wary, I knew. They were all watching me, cautious lest something happen. They were trying to protect me, I realized, from the very part of me that I was indulging.

Edward, Emmett, and the Doctor had taken us hunting; Esme and Rosalie claimed they would wait until tomorrow. Alice had gotten the idea immediately, and had taken to it as if she had been waiting for the opportunity for some time now. Thinking back on her decline to hunt before we came here, she probably had.

I stared in disgust at the animal I had just dispatched. The whole idea was sickening, really. I looked over at Alice, who seemed unbothered by the idea of drinking animal blood. A sigh escaped my lips. I would do it, I decided. I would try this perverted way of life. For her.

She grinned, and I could only guess that my decision had triggered some pleasant vision of the future. It included me, though, if that were true, so I was glad.

"It's not so bad, once you get used to it." Edward muttered softly, for my ears alone. I sighed again. At least it did seem to quench my thirst. That surely counted for something.

I had, as I usually did, set aside all emotions as I hunted and killed, lest they cause me to make a mistake. The last thing I wanted was to draw things out. So I worked quickly, and dealt with the emotional baggage afterward.

As we headed back to the Cullen home, I braced myself for the terror, the fear, the despair. I tensed against the depression I knew would soon overwhelm me, the emotions that would finally demand my attention.

I stopped in shock as we reached the house as I realized they had not yet come. "Jasper?" Alice asked, concerned, but I shook my head. I was fine.

I was fine. I realized it was true. The revelation struck me, and I stumbled. I jerked my head around to stare at Doctor Cullen.

He was watching me, waiting for my reaction to his alternative. He had been waiting for quite some time now for my response.

I nearly smiled, though I had a hard time being open with these strangers. He saw it, though, and grinned. Edward too was pleased, and Emmett was delighted. He slapped me on the back, an action which nearly caused me to launch myself at him before I realized he was just being friendly. Edward shrugged at my train of thought, curious as to the why behind the action, but not willing to ask and fearful of what he might find if he did.

Esme welcomed Alice home just as she did the others, with a warm hug. She turned to me, and restrained herself, save to brush her hand against my arm ever so lightly. Her eyes asked what I had decided, and I was surprised that she had asked me; not Alice, not Edward, not the Doctor.

They tensed, waiting for me to say aloud for the first time my intentions in this matter, though most of them already knew my answer. I nodded slowly. "I will try." I said. "It seems to be a reasonable alternative.

It would be hard, though, I knew. Even full off of animal blood, I still would long for that of humans. Still, I would try. And that seemed to be all they asked of me.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	4. Chapter 4

The following night Esme and Rosalie went hunting. Alice went with them, claiming she wanted some time with the girls. Edward and Emmett cleared out; I didn't really pay attention to where they were going.

I retreated to my room, still contemplating the oddness of the notion. My room. I sat down on the bed, but felt restless, almost nervous. I stood and moved to look out the window. The moon had risen, and bathed the trees in a pale glow. I suppose it might have beautiful.

I had never paid attention to such things, frankly. When with other people, I was focused on not killing them. With others of my own kind, I was still wary, focused on studying them, learning them so that I would know if they presented any danger to me. When alone, I was usually preoccupied with fighting off despair.

I had scarcely been alone since meeting Alice, but I found it a relief. It was great to be alone with her, though, for then I found myself actually relaxing, actually comfortable.

But I was completely alone, now, and gloomy thoughts again were threatening to overtake me. I forced myself to focus instead on the vampires I with whom I now lived.

They had welcomed me, once Alice had explained everything and won them over, into their home with very little hesitation. Rosalie had been displeased, certainly, but she was worried for her family. Otherwise, they had accepted me.

And they had made allowances for me. They accepted that I was ill at ease around them and let me be. They kept their distance from me, allowing me to decide how close I wanted to be. And they remained friendly, letting me know I was welcome even as I avoided some of them.

And they had all but forgotten the incident with the children. Emmett had merely found it amusing; the thought of one vampire protecting humans from another was new to him. Edward had been surprised, though not by my actions. He had simply not been expecting such an encounter so soon. Rosalie had been relieved that nothing had happened and left it at that, provided nothing else happened, and Esme had been grateful no one had been hurt. Doctor Cullen had felt guilty for not thinking about the needs of his newest family. Alice had been relieved that I hadn't been hurt.

It could have been so different, and so easily. What if Emmett had been a bit slower? Or Edward or Alice? What if Doctor Cullen had not been able to stop me that second time? What then? I would have two more deaths haunting me.

For certainly the deaths of those I had killed did. I could feel everything as they experienced it, and it never stopped me. It left me miserable until the next time I needed to feed, but I always fed again. It haunted me whenever I was left alone with my thoughts.

As I was now. I turned to pace the room, counting the steps I took to cross the floor, calculating how many it would have taken Alice. I turned my thoughts to the Doctor and his light step.

He would be harder; I was less familiar with his stride. He worked, and was gone more than the others. I shook my head. How did he manage?

The vampire worked in a hospital, surrounded by death and pain and blood. How could he do that to himself, day after day after day? How did he have the control? I had a hard enough time around humans that didn't smell of blood and disease.

He was strong, I marveled, amazingly so. I had heard from Alice that he had never slipped up, had never tasted the blood of humans. Never killed or bitten anyone. He was my opposite, in that respect. He was good, while I-

I was only trying this way of life for Alice. I didn't really believe I could do it, I only knew I would try. I wasn't sure I even wanted to at times. The taste, the smell, the warmth-

The fear and pain and horror. The realization that yes, they were going to die, and that yes, I was going to kill them. The knowledge that there was nothing they could do to stop me.

I shuddered, and tried to backtrack away from these thoughts. What had I been doing? I couldn't remember now, and again memories and emotions overwhelmed me. I whimpered softly as I tried in vain to keep my thoughts ordered and controlled.

I stumbled to the bed I had no need for, and collapsed onto it, wishing I could just cry and get it over with, or better, wishing I could just die and be done with it.

Except then I'd never see her again.

I became aware that my misery wasn't simply caused by memories. I didn't want to be away from her. I wanted her here, and I wanted her desperately.

It was a new feeling, one I had hardly gotten used to, to care for someone so much. As it was, I was a wreck now, without her here, and would continue to deteriorate as long as I was left alone.

I pulled myself together enough to know the solution, much as I hated it. Doctor Cullen was here. I could hear him in his study, turning the pages of a book as he read. Would he mind my interruption?

I didn't want to go either way, but if I didn't I was going to be a wreck by the time Alice got back, and I wouldn't do that to her. If I were with someone else, I would be able to hold it together. It would help that he was always such a calm person.

I stood and moved swiftly to the door and out into the hall. I stealthily made my way to his office, collecting my thoughts and feelings, and paused outside the door.

"Come in, Jasper." He said as I considered whether I actually wanted to do this or not. It was too late now, I reckoned. I wouldn't be rude to Alice's family.

"I don't mean to interrupt." I said softly, opening the door. He was sitting at his desk, reading a rather large, rather old book.

"You aren't." He assured me easily, looking up from the pages before him. "Was something troubling you?" He asked.

I shook my head, lie though it was, and shrugged. "It was quiet."

"I certainly don't mind the company." He chuckled. "It always seems lonely without Esme nearby."

His sentiment echoed mine, but I wondered how he was calmer about it. His was a discomfort, he missed her presence, but it wasn't quite the ache I was feeling. I wonder if time had allowed him to feel it less, or if their separation had always felt thus to him.

"Do you read?" He asked, and I hesitated before nodding. I could read, and I had, though I rarely did so anymore. As if reading my thoughts, he asked, "Read anything lately?"

I shook my head. "Not for a couple centuries At least, nothing aside from newspapers." I could do this, this small talk that wasn't simply an attempt to fill the silence.

Doctor Cullen frowned, thinking. I could feel his concentration, but didn't realize he what he was focusing on until his brow cleared, and he stood swiftly to pull a book off the shelf. He handed it to me, pleased, and sat back down with his own.

I shrugged and opened it to the first page, sinking to sit cross-legged on the floor. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed reading, and was soon lost in the first chapter, nearly forgetting the man who was here with me.

I say nearly, because it was his emotions that distracted me from the book. Amusement, curiosity, and puzzlement made it difficult to focus on what I was reading. I looked up to find him watching me, studying me. It made me nervous.

I met his gaze, and he grinned sheepishly. "What?" I asked.

"My apologies." He said smoothly. "You read like a human." He explained, and I frowned.

"Pardon?" I asked, and he looked thoughtful, as if searching for a way to explain.

"The way you sat on the floor." He said finally. "The way you positioned yourself so the light falls across the page. It's something humans do. You read slowly, as well. As if you were focusing on the book and nothing else."

I shrugged. "I was." I said. "That's how I've always read. It's one of the few things I remember from before." Before I was bitten, of course, but he knew that already. Was there something wrong with this? Certainly our kind had no need for such things, but I found enjoyment in it.

"Is there a problem?" I asked, though I had no intention of changing it, unless-

"No, no problem." Doctor Cullen said quickly. "I just thought it was interesting. It reminded me of Esme when she's painting."

I grimaced at the emotions he felt towards her, not because of how strong they were or the nature of them, but because it reminded me that Alice wasn't here, that I had no idea when she would return.

"Sorry." He said again, sorry for the discomfort he had caused me, not for having the feeling. He would never be sorry for that. He looked towards the window, and sighed softly, such a human habit. It was one of the few I had kept, mainly for its usefulness. It could convey a hundred meanings without a need for words.

This sigh was one of longing. "They should be back soon." He said, more to himself than to me, I realized. He missed Esme, and felt her absence. I sighed too as I remembered Alice was with her, wherever they were.

He looked at me again. "They'll be back soon." He reassured me, as if he knew I needed to hear it. "Don't worry." He settled back down to his book, and with nothing else to do, I followed suit.

I managed to lose myself once more in the story, and read slowly, savoring every word, the descriptions showing clear pictures in my mind. I lost track of time and just about all else as I continued reading.

I felt her return; it was as if the sun had suddenly come out from behind the clouds, ignoring, of course, the perspective of our kind on the subject. Mine was a human point of view, I supposed, but very accurate. I closed the book quickly, though gently, and moved to place it back on the shelf. Doctor Cullen placed a hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"Keep it until you're finished with it." He said. "You seemed to enjoy it."

"Thank you." I said, though my mind was already focusing on the woman who was rapidly approaching the house.

"You're welcome to any of the books here." He said, closing his own and setting it on the desk.

"Thank you." I said again, and though I knew it was rude, I darted from the study. I sped to my room, setting the book down before darting out again. I practically flew down the stairs and was waiting on the porch when the women reached the yard.

Alice giggled as she saw me, her eyes lit up. "Miss me?" She asked. I didn't reply, as there was no need for me to. She was back, and she was here. She was mine, and I was hers. I basked in her presence.

Carlisle was right behind me, sliding out to greet his wife with a kiss as he wrapped his arms around her. Emmett appeared, from who knew where, to greet Rosalie. I winced as I tried to separate our feelings from theirs.

Alice laughed, her voice sweet and clear, and smiled. "Come on." She said, breaking into a run deep into the forest, and I was after her without even considering it, leaving the others behind.

We ran in silence; we had no need for words. We reveled in each other's presence, running till midnight, when we stopped and sat on the ground, treasuring these moments together.

Perhaps eternity would not be so bad, not if it were with her.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	5. Chapter 5

We sat together till dawn, staring into the starlit sky, before standing and heading back. I sighed, wishing we could stay like this forever.

"They'll be worried if we stay away to long." She said, and I knew she was right. She grinned mischievously at me and sped up, leaving me behind. I grinned and matched her speed, and the race had begun.

The sun was nearly directly overhead, or would have been, if not for the clouds, when I stopped, every muscle in my body quivering in anticipation. I veered off before I knew I had done it, my speed increased to that of the hunter. Horror hit me for a brief second before I was lost to the scent.

"Jasper!" Alice shouted, and I could hear her turn to come after me. She would be too late, though. There was already too much distance between us.

It was a group of men and women, and they were upset. Worry and concern radiated off them as I stepped into the clearing where this group had decided to go camping. I stopped, pulling myself together, and walked into them. They would scatter if I attacked now, and some would escape. That I could not allow.

They were surprised to see someone out here, and were wary because of it. I forced a smile and sent waves of calm and comfort towards them. "Is something the matter?" I asked, entering their midst.

I quickly found the source of blood that had drawn me here, and as she opened her mouth to explain how she had managed to break her wrist so the bone was sticking out, I stopped breathing. Just a minute more.

"Are you a doctor?" She asked as I came to kneel beside her.

I shook my head. "No, but I live with one." My reply calmed her, or perhaps it was my gift, and she relaxed a little.

"This might hurt a bit." I said, trying not to think about the doctor that I did indeed live with, the doctor who would be disappointed in me, who might force me to leave after this.

She bravely tried to smile, and nodded. She took in a deep breath, and I, too, breathed in deeply.

All self-control snapped. Every thought went out the window, save for the most efficient way to do this. And by the time Alice reached the clearing, I was feasting on the blood of the girl who had attracted me here, drained corpses scattered about me.

She could say nothing; she had already stopped breathing. The blood was calling to her anyway, but she shook her head in defiance. She took my arm and shot me a pleading glance as she tried to pull me away.

The blood was cooling now, and she was so frightened, so upset, and felt so guilty that I went with her, wondering if she alone would have been enough to stop me had she only been closer. The thought frightened and pained me.

I had let her down, I knew, and the realization cut through me like a knife. "I'm sorry." I choked out, my voice catching. How could I have been so selfish? I had ruined her chances with her family.

"I know." She whispered back. "It's okay. It'll be okay, Jazz." Her voice trembled. She drew in a deep breath, and her eyes flashed as she smelled the blood still on me, but she focused her eyes on mine. "I'm so sorry." She said at last.

"For what?" I demanded.

"For dragging you into this. For not seeing. For not being fast enough-" I cut her off.

"Are you sorry for finding me too?" I demanded, and she flinched as if I had struck her. "Don't be. You mean the world to me. I sorry I don't have any control. I'm sorry you feel you have to look out for me. And I'm sorry for ruining everything."

"Ruining-?" She asked. "You slipped up, but it happens, Jasper. The others understand that. They've slipped up too."

"Carlisle hasn't." I argued.

"But Esme has, and Emmett has, and Edward, and Rosalie. They've all killed." She said. "So have I. And so have you." Her eyes changed then, and she was frightened, terrified. "You can't give up, Jasper. Don't leave us."

Don't leave _me, _she was pleading. Had she seen it? If it came to a choice, would she choose them? She should, but the thought tore me in two.

I would not let it happen. Not if I were capable of stopping it. I wouldn't give up. I would try. I would stay, unless they insisted I leave after this atrocity. They should, and they probably would.

But Alice, my Alice, relaxed, and smiled at me. "We should get you cleaned up." She said. "The others won't appreciate us bringing the smell of blood home."

I nodded, and she led me to a stream. "Get that stuff off you." She said. "I'll be right back." She must have seen the panic flare up, because she added, "I promise." And was gone.

She was back before I was satisfied that I could do no more about the smell on me. My clothes were a different matter, however, and I worried about them until Alice tossed a bundle onto the bank, well within arm's reach.

"You're still going to smell of it," She informed me, "but clean clothes will help. You'd better go ahead and change, or they'll be gone before we get there."

"Gone?" Would they leave us? Abandon us?

"Looking for us, Jazz." She explained softly. "They're worried. They'll have heard."

I sighed, and tried to figure out what to say in my own defense as we ran back. There was no peace, no joy as we ran this time, at least for me, but Alice did not seem overly concerned, at least. I hated that I had caused her such trouble.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	6. Chapter 6

We heard them as we approached the house, and slowed down. I managed to push the emotional aftereffects of my rampage away as I focused on the voices.

One was Rosalie's. She was furious. "So we'll just pretend nothing happened?" She demanded. "Like it's okay? Like he didn't risk our identities here? What if someone had escaped? What if people had found out? What if it had been linked back to us? We would have had to leave that much sooner! And now you're saying we have to welcome him back as if nothing even happened. Act as if he hadn't risked our life here."

Edward's voice was calmer, though weary. "It had only been two days, Carlisle. Two days since he fed, and he couldn't resist. Couldn't control himself at all."

"Assuming he even tried to." Rosalie muttered. Alice frowned and tried to move forward, but I paused, listening. I wanted to know what they decided before going back. Alice moved back beside me, slightly annoyed, but understanding.

"He said he would try." Carlisle pointed out calmly.

"Because that's what she wanted him to say." Edward protested. "He doesn't want to do it. He wants to go about feasting on humans without feeling guilty for it. He doesn't want an alternative."

"Edward-" Carlisle began, but was interrupted.

"I can know that. I heard it in his thoughts." Edward insisted. "Just like I can hear that he doesn't really want to be here. He's only here because she is. He's here because of her. He couldn't care less about us or our way of life, Carlisle. And he's dangerous because of that. Because she'll always accept him, no matter what."

Alice moved forward again, and this time I followed, head down, eyes on the grass. My eyes, which had slowly begun to change to the same odd brown color of the 'vegetarian vampires', were undoubtedly once again blood red.

I began counting steps to keep myself from thinking anything Edward might overhear. I continued counting until Alice and I stopped in front of Carlisle. I didn't lift my head, but merely stared at the ground, counting blades of grass.

"Carlisle, there was an accident." Alice began, and I felt Rosalie's anger raise a notch.

"An accident?" She practically shrieked. "An accident? He slaughters twelve people and you call it an accident? And you're defending him for it!"

"Rosalie." Carlisle admonished gently. Rosalie didn't continue.

"She doesn't need to defend me." I said slowly, forcing myself to focus entirely on what I was saying. "There's nothing to defend." They all stiffened at this, and I forced myself to continue. "There's no excuse that can make this right. I lost control. I wasn't strong enough to resist." I shrugged. "Nothing will change that. I can only apologize, and accept whatever you decide needs to be done about this."

Esme stepped forward, and I tried to block the sorrow and sympathy she felt for me. "We all mess up, Jasper." She said softly. "The important thing is to keep trying." She let the unspoken question hang in the air.

I nodded. I would try, for her. That hadn't changed.

"It wasn't enough today." Edward snapped. I turned to stare at him. "You attacked them anyway; you didn't care what the consequences would be."

"Edward-" Carlisle began.

I cut him off. "Don't pretend you know what you're talking about." I threw at Edward, who stiffened.

"She didn't stop you. Guilt doesn't stop you either. You don't want to stop."

"Shut up!" I snarled, not wanting to hear what was coming next.

"You just want to feel good about killing." He continued, and I thought about lunging at him. I considered knocking the sneer off his face. He didn't know anything, for all that he could read minds.

And the sadistic part of me snapped. He looked wary, but wasn't sure what was coming. He only knew that I had decided something he couldn't understand.

He staggered as the memory hit him. I dragged them up, every sick and twisted moment of my pathetic existence, and let them have free rein. It would tear me apart too, I knew, but I no longer cared.

"Jasper, don't." Alice pleaded as she saw the results of my decision. The others were only confused, until Edward whimpered and fell to the ground, hands at his temples.

"Edward!" Esme called, and rushed towards her son. Carlisle was right beside her.

I stood, and I knew I looked perfectly calm. I could handle the memories for now. These were nothing. There was worse to come. I smirked, and Emmett lunged at me.

"Stop it!" He growled. I merely moved out of his reach, leaving him a bit confused as to why he hadn't hit me.

"Jasper!" Alice's voice held a note of warning now. Whatever she had seen was bothering her. I ignored her, moving closer to Edward.

Rosalie moved too, as if to stand between us, but I could have done no more to him had we been touching. "You don't know anything, mind-reader." I said, and he opened his eyes briefly to glare at me.

"Jasper." Alice said again, and her voice was the whisper of a helpless child. How could I do this to her? I would stop this before it went too far.

Then it hit me, and I staggered, and fell. I had forgotten this, had kept it locked away inside my mind because I had never been able to deal with it. I closed my eyes tightly, but it only served to strengthen the memory. A spasm of remembered pain ripped through me, and I heard two voices cry out, only one of which was my own.

Edward. Why on earth would I have wanted to wish this on him, no matter what he had said? I struggled to think of something else, anything else, to stop this from playing out. I heard five words in my mind, spoken mockingly, but latched onto them with all my strength of will.

"Awakened to a higher calling." She sneered at the words.

I fought to remember how the rest of it went.

You stand here before me, frightened and confused. You hate me already, for what I am, what I represent, what I've done to you. That was how it began, the speech I had uttered hundreds of times. You awoke to agony, to pain, and to eternal suffering. But have faith. You have been awakened to a higher calling. You are free now, free from death, from mortality. Join us, in our time of need, as we struggle against our enemy. Help us vanquish our foes, that we may together be victorious! Fight! Go forward and destroy the enemy! 

I ran through it twice more; just to be sure I was once again in control. I was on the ground and shaking, I noticed. Alice stood beside me, worried. I looked across at Edward, with a parent on each side, wondering how I could have even considered inflicting such a thing on someone else. Certainly there were people who had been through worse, but I wouldn't push something I couldn't handle onto anyone else.

His eyes met mine, slowly, hesitantly. "I'm sorry." I whispered. He nodded.

"I know." He said. "So am I."

Alice knelt to help me up, and I didn't resist her touch this time, though it had not been something with which I had been comfortable before. She scowled at me, but her mood was playful. "That was the best worst thing you could have done." She informed me, her tone scolding. "Whatever you did, you stopped it from tearing everyone apart and managed to make it bring everyone closer together. You've laid some kind of foundation; now one day you'll actually be friends.

I scowled at her, but in reality I was glad she was happy again. I looked over at Edward, who merely looked thoughtful.

Alice grinned. "It's decided, then. We're staying, Jasper's going to keep trying, and Edward's going to give him a chance. Great!"

Esme was pleased, too. She was already thinking of us as her children, I guessed. I wasn't certain how I felt about that. It was too alien, too foreign of a concept.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	7. Chapter 7

Edward found me later that night, as Alice was lecturing Esme about her wardrobe. Apparently she had a passion for clothing. I wondered how I'd managed to escape that, then looked down, realizing that I only had one pair of clothes, and that she had replaced them today with the ones I now wore. I hadn't escaped, then, she had simply been more subtle with me.

His chuckle sounded outside my doorway, and I wondered how much of that he had caught. I scowled as he responded with "All of it," and wondered why he felt this sudden urge to hang around outside my door eavesdropping on my thoughts. "Actually, I wanted to talk." He said, and I was surprised enough to let him in.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, curious. Then I realized. It must have to do with today.

Edward grimaced. "Yeah." He said. "I guess I owe you an apology."

I frowned. Who owed who an apology?

"I started it." He pointed out.

He was right, not that it gave me any sort of excuse for my own behavior.

"Unless stress counts." He added.

I gave up on bothering to speak aloud, forming the question in my mind. So?

"I have a theory." He said. "About your control."

What about it? I felt myself turn defensive. He tried to remain calm.

"You have a lot of trouble with it." He pointed out. "Your reactions aren't much better than a newborn's." I shuddered at the word, forcing back the memories of that time. "Sorry." He said.

So I have no control. I demanded. What's your point?

"I think there's a reason for it."

You think I don't want to stop. That I only want to feel better about it. That I'm only doing it for her.

"I think it causes you more pain than you're willing to admit."

Others of our kind don't understand, so I stopped trying to explain. I thought defiantly. Why bother?

Edward sighed. "The point is, I may have underestimated you before. I think you do have a good reason to try to stop."

But?

"But you lose control. You zero in on the kill and nothing else occurs to you until it's over. It's incredibly focused, even for a vampire." He paused. "I think you taught yourself to hunt that way."

So it's my fault I have no control. I challenged him.

"Yes, in that you knew you had to feed, and knew you had to find a way to do it neatly." Edward said. "But I think it's something else, too."

Really?

"I think it's how long you've been doing this. Hear me out." He requested as I turned to leave, irritated. "You've been a vampire for a long time, Jasper. And you lived in a world where there was no alternative to feeding off humans. That's all you knew before you came here."

And? I was waiting.

"Think about it. Carlisle works in a hospital, which is filled with sick and injured humans. He doesn't lose control. He never has. He's never fed off humans, either. He's never bitten anyone, unless you count us. We've been with Carlisle almost since we were changed. We certainly haven't been living off humans since day one, and we certainly have be exposed to that way of feeding as much as you."

I don't see where this is going. 

Edward sighed. He was getting frustrated. "What I'm trying to say, Jasper, is I think the more you do it, the harder it is to quit. It's already like a drug for all of us, and you're the one who happens to be already addicted to it. You've been on it since day one. Of course it's going to be harder for you."

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

"No. But I mentioned it to Carlisle, and he thinks I may have something there. It's supposed to explain why I've decided to give you another chance. But if it does…" He trailed off.

Thank you. It did help, a little.

"No problem."

I know it's not much good, but sorry.

He sighed. "I know. That's the other reason for I'm here."

What? I had no idea what he was talking about.

"You've been radiating guilt all evening. Why do you think everyone else left?"

Esme and Alice-

"Alice isn't going to stray too far in case you need her. Esme won't leave one of her children alone in the house when she's this worried about him."

She considers me one of her own.

"And she'll wait until you're ready to accept it, and hope one day you will."

Again, thank you.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Sure." He said, then hesitated. I could feel him suddenly grow nervous.

What?

He nodded to acknowledge my observation. "I was just wondering." He said.

Wondering what?

"What was that? You seemed to be reciting something."

I felt myself tense, and my mood shifted to something darker. An old speech. One I'd heard many, many times. I use it to focus my mind on something else. Something other than what I was thinking before.

He left it at that, and turned to go, then stopped as something else occurred to him. "You're used to feeding once a week?" He asked.

I nodded. Why?

"Don't go alone. It's never a good idea for any of us. And don't wait for someone else to bring it up. We're used to going about two weeks. We don't expect you to, but if you don't say anything, the others can't know.

What about you?

"I'm not going to be around every minute of the day." He said with a chuckle.

I smiled. I've been told that my smile in reality is just a slight lift at the corner of my mouth. I've been told that it is as difficult to catch as it is rarely seen. He noticed, though, and returned the smile with one of his own.

It was odd to have a relationship with one of my own kind that wasn't based on fear. Alice didn't really count, our relationship was so natural. Carlisle, whatever else he was, was the leader, the authority. The others were simply there. With Edward there was no fear, no need to decide who was the underling. We were simply two of our kind, coexisting.

He frowned as he caught my thoughts, and I cringed. "It's a big change for you, isn't it?" He asked as he left.

You have no idea. But he did have some, now.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	8. Chapter 8

There was an investigation of the murder of those twelve people, of course. Carlisle kept track of reports in the paper, but so far there were no clues as to the culprit. It was suspected to be the work of some crazed madman, according to the talk at the hospital. There was no blame in their voices as the subject was discussed. Even Rosalie kept her opinions to herself.

I was slowly becoming accustomed to living in a house with others of my kind. I found I enjoyed raiding Carlisle's study and losing myself in his books. I grew comfortable enough that I appreciated Edward's musical abilities; the piano had alarmed me at first. I found I liked the thought of Esme accepting me as one of her own, though I was not yet ready to return the gesture.

And I had _her_. We were rarely apart, that is, we were always within earshot of each other, always close enough to find the other quickly should the need arise. We rarely spoke, and we didn't touch. I wasn't ready, though it had nothing to do with her. She understood that, somehow, and was content to wait. I was happy, really, for the first time in as long as I could remember.

Edward's words haunted me. It had been four days since our conversation, and I found myself distracted more and more by the burn in my throat. I had waited, though. I could wait; I had at least two days before it would be a struggle around humans. As long as there was no blood involved, I was fine. I could distract myself from the sudden pain, the sudden burn. It was something I did constantly, and had grown somewhat accustomed to.

I worried, however, that Edward would catch me at it. I worried at what he would think. Would he think I was ashamed to admit I couldn't wait as long as they? The thought bothered me, but was not the reason for my actions.

I _could_ go a week. I didn't want to lose that. I had trouble going longer, I didn't know if I would ever get better about it, but I could wait a week. It had been hard to get it to that point, and I didn't want the effort put into it to go to waste.

So I avoided him, still, worried about how he would react. He was concerned, but let it be. I think he realized I wasn't really completely comfortable with anyone other than Alice yet.

She began to worry, though, and finally, one night, I asked what was wrong. She smiled, embarrassed. "I feel silly, since you seem fine, but I think I need to hunt soon." She chuckled. "I know it hasn't been very long, but-"

It's been five days for me, six for you." I said. "And it is bothering me. I've been ignoring it, for now."

"You shouldn't ignore it." She admonished me, worried.

"I know my limits." I said. "I'm fine for another day, so long as no one bleeds on me."

Her eyebrows furrowed and her nose wrinkled as she puckered her lips. She was adorable like this, confusion aside. "Did you just make a joke?" She asked finally.

I grinned. "I reckon so." I replied, letting my accent get the better of me as I drawled out the words. "Nice t' see I've still got a sense o' humor, ma'am."

"Not a very good one." She teased, then became serious. "Still, you shouldn't push it."

"We'll mention it tomorrow." I said, and she was suddenly nervous. "It'll be fine." I reassured her. "They'll understand."

She nodded, and perhaps she saw that I was right, because she let out a little giggle.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	9. Chapter 9

I mentioned it to Carlisle the next morning as he finished reading the latest news report on the incident. "Carlisle," I said, and he seemed pleased for some reason.

"You called him by name." I heard Edward mutter.

I turned back to the doctor. "We need to hunt. Soon." He seemed surprised by my statement. So did the others, even Edward. I wondered why.

"It's only been a couple of days." Emmett stated bluntly, and Edward hit him. "Oww." He complained, tackling the other.

I watched, puzzled, as they rolled around in the floor. Neither was angry, so why?

Esme broke it up. "Boys, boys! How many times do I have to tell you not in the house? Go play outside."

Play? So it was a game? I could briefly remember wrestling with the other guys as a child. They both got up off the floor grinning.

"Don't be so insensitive." Edward told him. Emmett shrugged.

"Sorry." He said, and he was, but didn't know what he was sorry for.

"It's been a week for Alice." I explained. "Almost that for me. I'm not used to going much longer."

"Afraid of a little pain?" Emmett challenged, though by now I could tell he was joking.

"I don't know." I drawled, stepping closer to him. "Are you?" I let a menacing edge creep into my voice, and took another step, a step that brought him inside my normal boundary lines. I felt Edward tense, then relax, humor taking the place of the tension.

Emmett considered whether or not to be alarmed. He decided as he looked into my dark eyes that perhaps it might be wise. He shifted into a defensive position as I moved to stand behind him, and I noted his confusion as he realized I had already moved.

He turned to face me and I shifted again to stand behind him, this time so close we were nearly touching. This time I stayed where I was as he whipped around, and he jerked back in surprise.

"Augh!" He managed as I followed him closely, the distance between us remaining constant. He backed away almost frantically, and I followed, a smile threatening to emerge as I did so. I could feel Edward's puzzled amusement and Alice's pleasure at seeing me relaxed.

He let out a yelp as he backed into a wall, and I had him, or at least I thought I did. In a flash Rosalie was in the small space between us, her face less than an inch from mine, her eyes blazing. She was not happy.

Our eyes met, and for a second, I was worried. Then her eyes softened, and her mood shifted to match my own odd playfulness. She stared into my eyes, and I heard Edward snort. She smiled, and I realized she was far more beautiful than was normal for even our kind. "I'll take you hunting." She trilled sweetly. "Since Emmett doesn't want to go."

"Us, ma'am? Or me?" I wasn't sure about this kind of joke, but I could feel Alice's amusement increase to the point that I felt almost giddy.

"Which would you prefer?" She whispered.

I shot a nervous glance to my left and to my right. "What about the others?" I asked.

"What about them?" She asked. "Afraid of the big, bad wolf?"

"I'm more afraid of the one in the corner." I replied, my eyes darting towards Alice.

"Do you dance?" She asked, and I nodded.

"Too bad there's no music." I said, just as a note sounded on the piano.

She took my by the arm, and led me into a dance. Emmett was left behind, simply staring.

"Don't worry, Emmett, dear." Alice said mournfully. "They don't like me either."

He wasn't as slow as he acted. "Would _you_ care to join me, then?" He asked with a bow, and soon he and Alice were twirling around us. I heard a sigh from Esme, and in an instant she and Carlisle had joined us.

And suddenly it didn't feel right anymore, and judging by Rosalie's sudden discomfort, she felt the same way. We swung by Alice and Emmett and changed partners as smoothly as if it had been rehearsed.

This felt right, and I held her closer, reveling in her presence. She didn't reach my shoulders, but that hardly mattered as we whirled about, steadily and obliviously slowing to a slight sway that soon all but disappeared.

She pulled back to look up at me, and I grinned at the expression on her face. We were happy, both of us, blissfully so. Edward groaned from where he was playing.

"Ugh." He said. "I should have known better."

Emmett grinned at me, and he and Rosalie whirled closer to us. He stuck his leg out as they went by, and Alice tightened her grip on me so as not to stumble. I lifted her instinctively, and found myself staring into her eyes, her face level with mine.

She giggled as I lowered her back to the ground. "I wouldn't have fallen, you know." She whispered.

"I know." I replied.

Edward had finally had enough and retreated from the house. I could sympathize with him; I would have been floating even without the added emotions of five other love-struck vampires. We let the moment linger a bit longer before returning to the subject I had brought up.

"We can go tonight, if you would like." Carlisle said serenely, still entranced by his wife.

"I'll go." Said Emmett immediately.

"No you won't." Corrected Rosalie.

He frowned at her, and I almost blushed as his expression cleared and his mood changed to match hers.

Edward had returned by then. He made a face at Emmett. "Do you mind?" He turned back to me. "I'll take them."

Carlisle nodded. "I'll go with you." He said smoothly, but I caught the tinge of disappointment from Esme before she brightened.

"I'll come along." She put in. "I wouldn't want Alice to feel too outnumbered." And it was settled.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	10. Chapter 10

The hunt that night was uneventful. The taste of animal blood was still repulsive, but the change was well worth it for what I would be gaining in return.

I would have her, of course; I always would. But she would have her family, too. We would have a home, and people who cared about us. And there would be no new victims haunting me with their last feelings. It was worth it, I supposed.

Edward grinned in agreement, at least, I assumed that he was grinning at me rather than at Carlisle and Esme, who had dropped from view for the moment, or Alice, who was ripping the throat out of a deer as merrily as if she were frolicking at home with her new family. He snorted at that.

We returned to the house by dawn, and Alice paused for a moment in the yard, savoring the moment. It was peaceful, and quiet. Then she turned to me with an exaggerated sigh. "Really, Jasper, what are we going to do with you?" She asked despairingly.

I nearly panicked. What did she mean? What had I done? What- Edward interrupted my thoughts. "Sheesh, Alice." He rolled his eyes. "Give him a heart attack." As if my heart hadn't already stopped beating long ago.

She frowned. "What?" She asked, worried now.

Edward looked at me. "She was referring to your clothes." He explained, and still puzzled, but slightly relieved, I looked down to see what he meant.

There was blood on my shirt, I realized with chagrin. I didn't have a spare. I looked quickly to the others. Edward's clothes were still neat, Carlisle and Esme's attire immaculate. Even Alice was almost pristine.

I had always considered myself neat. A few bloodstains on my shirt had been nothing compared to most of the others of our kind had I had lived with. I had always made an effort not to be messy. I rarely wasted any blood; rarely got it on anything other than my shirt. It had been the only casualty in that area.

I ducked my head, embarrassed. I supposed when one lived with others it was hardly appropriate to go around wearing a blood stained shirt. Certainly it was not very considerate.

Edward was struggling not to laugh. He lost the battle as I correctly guessed that I was the source of his amusement and turned to glare at him. "It's really not as bad as all that." He managed at last.

Carlisle might as well have been a mind reader himself. "We've been negligent in caring for our new family, Esme." He said easily.

"Oh?" She asked, startled, and slightly embarrassed. "In what way?"

"Well, look, my dear." He said simply. "What do you see?"

She studied us intently for a moment, her eyes sweeping over the clothes I had been wearing since the incident and the outfit Alice had been wearing since I had met her. "Oh, dear." She said at last. "How thoughtless of us. We'll have to get you some clothes to wear." She turned to her husband. "You could take them, couldn't you?" She asked. "You said you had a few things to look in on at the hospital."

"I could take them afterward, if they don't mind the wait." Carlisle decided. He turned to us. "Would that be acceptable?"

Alice squealed in delight, and threw her arms around him in an enthusiastic hug. "Thank you!" She said brightly, turning to hug Esme as well.

"You're quite welcome, Alice." Esme replied, pleased by the reaction, and slightly amused.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	11. Chapter 11

Carlisle pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, and turned to us. "This shouldn't take more than an hour, at the most."

Alice smiled. "That's fine, Carlisle. Don' let us rush you." She said brightly.

Carlisle opened the front door and got out. Alice followed, and I moved to get out with her, but froze for a split second before scampering back into the safety of the vehicle. Alice slipped back in with me, and took one of my trembling hands in both of hers.

"I can smell it from here." I whispered, realizing how close I had come to losing it. I didn't draw in another breath of air.

Carlisle was worried. "You might be more comfortable waiting." He said, his voice as calm as ever. "Even Esme avoids this place as if it held the plague."

Alice nodded. "It would probably be better." She agreed.

"I'll try to hurry." Carlisle promised.

"Don't worry." Said Alice innocently. "We don't mind the time alone."

Carlisle simply nodded and excused himself as if she hadn't just said anything of the sort. When he was gone, she turned her attention back to me, and I became aware that her hands still held mine. It was a nice feeling.

She looked up at me, beaming. Her hands began rubbing mine slowly, gently. I relaxed, closing my eyes, and a sigh of contentment escaped me. We sat there in blissful silence.

She jerked up, suddenly, and I turned to look at her. Her eyes were wide with alarm. "What is it?" I asked.

"Your clothes!" She muttered, frantically. "We need to tell Carlisle!" She opened the door and headed towards the hospital, barely able to keep to a human pace.

"What?" I asked, following her.

"We left your clothes." She explained. "They've been found. Carlisle won't be expecting it, we need to warn him!" She wasn't making much sense as I followed her into the hospital, trying to calm the almost absolute hysteria she was going into.

"Alice." I called urgently.

"They're asking questions, they want to know if the blood belonged to one of the victims or the attacker." I flinched at the wording, but knew she didn't mean anything by it.

A man stepped in front of us. "May I help you?" He asked, eying my shirt.

"We need to see Carlisle!" Alice was frantic; I tried to calm both of us down. She was rubbing off on me.

"Doctor Cullen." I managed. "It's important."

"Do you have an appointment?" He asked slowly. He was not impressed with us.

"No!" She practically shouted, scanning the crowd. She must have found him, because relief flooded her, lessening her sense of urgency. I almost sighed in relief as well, when suddenly it hit me.

It wasn't the smell. Humans were everywhere, and the sickness and blood would have been overwhelming, but I hadn't breathed since coming in. It was the emotions. Pain, fear, worry, and despair hit me in waves. People were dying here. People were suffering, in pain and in fear. Many knew there was no hope. Loved ones were afraid, and sad, and angry all at once.

I tried to block it out, tried to think of something else, but Alice's panic was no longer there to keep me distracted. I glanced about frantically, looking for the exit. I would have said something to Alice, but that would have required I take another breath of air, and I knew better.

"Are you okay?" The man asked me, worried now, as Alice darted off through the humans after Carlisle.

I winced even as I nodded. How could Carlisle handle working here, day after day? I choked back what would have been a sob, had I been human. The man was really worried now, but I couldn't afford to answer him as I tried to clear my mind.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, and it was all I could do not to growl at him. I pulled away, and nearly stumbled into a little girl.

She looked at me with large eyes, worried about the strange man who had nearly knocked her down. She neither retreated, nor stepped closer, but stood with her hands clasped behind her back. "Are you sick too?" She asked me.

I shook my head, noting that she was underweight, and far too pale for a human. Her eyes were sunken back in her head. She was sad, and afraid, and in pain. But she was worried about me, too.

"Do you need a doctor?" She asked. "I could get my doctor, he's nice." She spoke slowly, as if it were difficult for her. "His hands are real cold, though. I'll go get him. Maybe he can help you." Paralyzed by all I was feeling, all I could do was nod. "Wait here." She said.

It was pathetic. A sick, dying little girl was coming to the rescue of a vampire. She set off; whatever was wrong with her made it difficult for her to walk. She limped painfully down the hall and right up to Carlisle.

He was standing with two people, both human. Alice was nowhere to be seen. They all stopped speaking as she approached and grabbed onto Carlisle's coat, possibly to support herself. He looked my way, suddenly, and picked up the girl before walking towards me.

"Jasper?" He asked, his eyes worried. He set the girl down. "Thank you, sweetheart." He murmured. "Go back to your room now, please."

She nodded. "Okay. Hope you feel better." She said to me. "Bye, Mister Doctor." She said to Carlisle, hugging him before she left.

"Bye." He said, his eyes examining her as she turned to go. He turned back to me, tensed, ready to restrain me if necessary. "Jasper?" He asked, and his voice remained even, betraying nothing of his concerns or thoughts. "Where's Alice?"

I didn't know. I could scarcely say so. I closed my eyes against the torrent of emotions bombarding me. It didn't help.

Tentatively, he placed his arm around me. A sudden surge of panic hit me from someone, and I almost fell before he caught me. I didn't resist as he slid his arm around my waist to support me, and began to lead me. I sought desperately that sense of calm that seemed always to be a part of him, clinging to it. I wondered how he managed it.

"Don't breathe." He murmured, and I opened my eyes to look at him. "You already aren't." He corrected himself as he realized that wasn't the problem. "My apologies."

"Carlisle!" Alice had found us. "We have a problem!" She saw me with him, and I felt her calm down a little, though she was still rather upset. I winced.

Carlisle opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted. Alice groaned. "Doctor Cullen? Could you spare a moment?" The sheriff stood there, studying us intently. Carlisle nodded.

"We can talk in my office." Carlisle replied.

Carlisle led us to a room that was mostly bare. There was a desk and chair, of course, and paperwork, but little else. A picture of Esme had been set on the desk. The window shades were drawn, blocking out the sun on brighter days. There were two more chairs in front of the desk.

There was some relief here. Not much, but enough that I was capable of rational thought once again.

Carlisle led me to one of the two chairs, and pulled the other one closer to mine for Alice. Then he smoothly turned and offered the sheriff his own.

The sheriff was uncomfortable, and suspicious of Alice and me. He wasn't trusting of strangers, and he had never seen us before.

He cleared his throat. "Actually, I'd prefer to speak with you alone, Doctor."

Carlisle frowned, but gave no indication that he had noticed Alice watching him intently, her eyes trying to convey a silent message. "I'd rather not leave them alone, not with him in this state." He told the lie easily.

"What's wrong with him?" The sheriff asked, eying my shirt. He had noticed the bloodstains.

"Anxiety attacks." Carlisle smoothly continued lying. "He's usually alright after a couple of minutes, but I don't like to leave him. You understand."

The sheriff nodded, still suspicious, still wary. "He family?" The sheriff asked, and I couldn't keep from flinching.

Carlisle didn't even blink. "Yes, actually." He replied.

"Never seen these two before." The sheriff grumbled.

"They haven't been with us long." I wondered how long Carlisle could continue lying to this man.

"These adopted too?"

"Yes."

"How long they been here?"

"Almost a month." Carlisle answered this honestly.

The sheriff's eyes narrowed, and his suspicion increased. He turned to me. "What's your name, boy?"

I would have to breathe to answer him. I could tell he wasn't going to let me by otherwise. I took in a quick breath through my mouth. "Jasper." I told him, my voice calmer than the rest of me.

"I'm Alice." She interjected, trying to distract him. He merely nodded to her and turned back to me.

"You spend any time in the woods, Jasper?" I shook my head in the negative rather than answer him verbally.

He reached in the bag he had brought with him then, and pulled something out of it. Alice nearly panicked all over again. Carlisle's calm was momentarily replaced with anxiety before he regained control over his emotions.

The sheriff held the clothes I had discarded by the riverside before me. "Seen these before?" He asked. I shook my head. "I'd guess the sizes match yours just by looking." He continued.

"Are you accusing my son of something?" Carlisle asked, and it was a good thing I was already sitting. I nearly went into shock.

Had he just called me his son?

The sheriff turned to Carlisle. "Do you know what we found on these?" He asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "Blood. Know whose?" He asked. "It matches the blood of some of the victims at the camping site. There was hair on them, too." He continued. "I'd guess it was yours, boy. It was short, and blond. A lot like yours."

Carlisle didn't falter. "Are you suggesting-"

"That perhaps the newest additions to your family might have been involved, Doctor Cullen." The sheriff interrupted.

"You have no evidence of that." Carlisle replied.

"Yet." The sheriff replied. "I'm watching you, boy. Jasper, did you say your name was?" He stood and excused himself. "Watch yourself." He said as he left.

Alice sighed in relief when he was gone. "That could have gone so much worse." She said. She turned to me. "Sorry for losing you, Jasper."

I shrugged. I couldn't fault her for anything, really. She had been trying to protect us.

"I'm almost done." Carlisle said softly. "Would you rather wait here, or go back to the car?" He meant he would take us back to the car himself.

"We can wait here." I said, and Alice agreed.

"Are you certain?" He asked. I nodded.

"It'll take less time this way." Alice pointed out.

Carlisle nodded. "I'll be back as soon as possible." He slipped back out the door, leaving the two of us alone together once more.

My hand found hers, and she was too surprised to speak. She hadn't been expecting me to be comfortable with physical contact yet, and she had not seen my impulsive action coming. I held her hand gently, studying it as if it held the answers to all the mysteries of life. Her hand was small in mine, slender, and soft. I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed it gently.

She gasped softly. "Jazz." Was all she managed to say. Words were unnecessary at this time, extraneous. They would have cheapened the moment.

We sat there, in two different chairs, physically separated, but could not have been closer. I could feel that her love, her devotion was every bit as powerful as mine. She needed me as desperately as I needed her. We were lost to everything but each other, and time had no meaning.

I kissed her hand again, and she sighed contentedly, as my lips remained in place, resting on the back of her hand.

I heard a cough, and felt regret enter the office. I opened my eyes, never moving, to see Carlisle standing in the doorway. Alice's eyes remained closed, disappointed by the interruption.

"It's Carlisle." I murmured into her hand, and straightened up as she giggled.

"That tickles." She whispered, standing. She smiled at Carlisle as cheerfully as if he hadn't interrupted anything. "Finished?" She asked.

Carlisle nodded. "We can go now, if you're ready."

"We're ready." Alice replied.

We were as ready as we possibly could be, given the circumstances, though we would have been perfectly happy just to stay where we were.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	12. Chapter 12

We pulled into the lot at the shopping center, and got out. Carlisle started to speak, but Alice interrupted him. "It's okay. I've already seen what we're getting. You don't have to worry about a thing." To me she whispered, "He's not used to helping people shop for clothes." I wasn't sure what good it did to whisper; his hearing was good enough that he caught every word.

Carlisle shrugged easily. "Lead the way, then, Alice." He said with an extravagant gesture towards the building.

Alice led the way. She didn't hesitate in the slightest, navigating the building as if she already knew where she was going and had already chosen what she would buy. In a sense, she had.

It didn't take long at all for her to find several changes of clothes for us. I was relieved, apparently her foresight in this matter had also informed her as to not only what I would be comfortable wearing, but what size I wore as well. It made things easier.

"Next time you don't get off so easily." She informed me as we headed back to the car, our purchases made. "Next time we're going to get you clothes that aren't as dull."

I rolled my eyes. "The clothes I wear-"

"Are dull. Boring. Bland." Alice interrupted. "It's okay; we have to work on Edward, too. They all need help, really. Even Rosalie. So don't be so belligerent."

Carlisle chuckled as he drove us home. I was startled to find that I had already begun thinking of the place where we were staying as home. I hadn't felt at home anywhere, ever. I found it to be a pleasant notion.

Alice grinned at me, and I smiled back. Carlisle, up front, was happy. Judging by the smile directed towards our reflection in the rearview mirror, our own joy was the cause.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	13. Chapter 13

We took our things into the house, and put them away. I changed clothes, into some jeans and a blue, green, and white plaid cotton dress shirt. As I slipped my shoes back on, Alice came in.

She smiled at me. "Hi." She said, sitting down on the bed that I had no use for at present. I moved swiftly to join her, and we sat there in silence, enjoying each other's presence.

"Mmmm." She said at last, eyes closing as she leaned back onto the bed. I remained still, watching her as she lay, peace and contentment rolling off her in waves. I sighed happily and smiled. She opened her eyes.

"I like it when you smile like that." She said. "You look so happy." My smile broadened, and she giggled. "I've noticed you don't do that when anyone else is around."

"I smile when the mood takes me." I said, as if conversation were important. Of course, it didn't matter what she said, I could still hear her love for me in her voice. She didn't need to speak the words; she told me she loved me every time she spoke.

She rolled her eyes, jestingly. "You do that smirk-thing." She conceded. "But you don't smile like this. When we're alone together you smile a smile that lights up your whole face."

"And you always have a broad smile for everyone and everything." I replied, leaning back on the bed to be nearer to her.

I don't know how long we lay like that, together. I only know that at some point in time there was a knock on the door. We sat up as one; there was no need for anyone else to see the depth of our relationship.

"Come in." I called softly, ignoring Alice's irritation at the interruption. We could have lain there forever and been perfectly content.

It was Esme. She smiled nervously as she entered, and became embarrassed as she realized she had been interrupting something.

Alice smiled brightly at her. "Hi." She said. "Can we help you?" She asked, uncertainly.

Esme merely smiled shyly. I could feel her uncertainty, as if she wasn't sure she was welcome. She just wanted to talk, then, I realized. Now that was an odd notion.

I shifted over on the bed to make room for Esme. "We weren't busy." I said gently. "Come on in."

"Pull up some bed." Alice said, moving to sit cross-legged on my bed. She had also moved so that the available sitting space was now between us.

Esme sat down hesitantly. "Did you have a nice trip?" She asked. She was almost as tense as she had been the day we had arrived. Did this conversation mean that much to her?

Or was it something else? Perhaps it was because it was us she was trying to talk to? But then, she and Alice talked often, and she had never been this nervous. Had she come to talk to me, then?

She had come to my room. She had not been expecting us to be occupied. Had she realized Alice was there at all? But why would I be so important to her?

Alice shrugged in answer to her question. "Once we started shopping, it was fine." She said noncommittally. I could tell she was hoping I would get involved in this conversation.

"Oh?" Esme asked. "Did something happen at the hospital?"

Alice waited to see if I would answer, but I wasn't about to. I was uncomfortable enough just sitting on the bed with the woman.

It was stupid, really. Esme had accepted us into her home, had accepted us as part of her family, with little hesitation. She loved Alice as a daughter, and Alice had considered her a mother of sorts since before they had actually met. Esme had accepted me as one of her sons as well.

I wasn't sure why that frightened me so much.

Alice again answered Esme's question. I wondered if Esme had noticed my refusal to answer. "We had a run in with the sheriff. He had some questions about the attack."

"And you two were there." Esme commented. "Oh, dear."

"He seems a rather overly suspicious character." Alice commented.

Esme sighed. "Yes, well, I suppose that is his job." She looked thoughtful. "So does that mean you went inside, then?"

Alice grimaced. "I saw the sheriff coming and went in to warn Carlisle. I dragged Jasper along with me." She felt guilty about it, still.

"You did nothing wrong, Alice." I said softly.

"I dragged you into a building full of sick and dying people, Jazz. What's acceptable about that?" Alice demanded. "I didn't even stop to think what that would do to you."

I flinched at the memory. "I followed you in, remember? I didn't exactly stop to think about what would happen either." She wasn't convinced. I sighed in irritation. "Besides, good did come of it." I said, thinking back to the time we had spent in Carlisle's office.

Alice smiled, her guilt dissolving into giddiness. She sighed happily before continuing her narrative of the day. "Then we went shopping. I'll have to show you what I got later." She grinned and giggled. Esme was enthusiastic about it, but not as much as Alice was. "But we can show you Jasper's stuff." Alice continued. "He hasn't got much fashion sense," she complained, "but it's something to work on. The problem is he's going to be stubborn about it. You know, my clothes are fine, I like what I wear, it's comfortable, that kind of thing."

Esme nodded, politely, uncertain as to how to respond to that. She was probably worried about upsetting me.

Why did I feel obliged to ease her concern?

I shrugged at Alice's comment. "She informed me that the clothes I wear are boring." I commented, and Esme nearly jumped off the bed in surprise.

Alice beamed at me. "Well, they are." She insisted.

I turned to Esme. "She also informed me that she was planning on helping the rest of you with your clothes as well." I added. "Be warned."

Esme smiled at me, uncertainly. "Is it that bad?" She asked timidly.

I nodded solemnly. "She was very excited at the thought of it."

"So show her your new clothes." Alice ordered. I groaned. "Oh, come on." She insisted. "People will think you don't like them."

I shrugged. "Clothes are clothes. Why would I like or dislike them?"

Alice watched me through narrowed eyes. "Do you really feel that way?" She asked. I wondered what I was in for.

"Sure."

She grinned. "Then you won't have any problems with any clothes I pick out for you in the future." She decided. "Now show Mom your clothes like a good little boy."

"Good little boy?" I asked. "I'm older than most of the people here."

"You've been around longer." She corrected.

"I was hardly a boy when I was bitten, Alice."

"How old were you?" She asked curiously.

I shrugged. "It was a long time ago." I didn't remember, exactly "Somewhere close to twenty."

"Well," Esme commented awkwardly, "you're older than Edward then, at least. He's only seventeen." She was trying so hard.

Perpetually seventeen. I shuddered. But then again, I wasn't much older than that myself in reality, though I felt the farthest thing from it.

We sat in awkward silence for a while, Alice impatient, Esme nervous and worried and tense, and I just plain uncomfortable.

Alice perked up after a few minutes. "Come on," she told Esme, "I'll show you my new clothes."

I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as soon as Esme was gone. She was nice, and she meant well, and she genuinely cared about us, but it was more than I could deal with at the moment. I wasn't ready to be a part of a family yet.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	14. Chapter 14

I stared at Emmett, trying to understand. "Why?"

He shrugged easily. "Because."

I was skeptical. "But why?"

Emmett frowned. He didn't know either. "It's something humans do." He finally said. "Football is a big thing for them."

I glanced at the screen. "That doesn't look like football to me."

Emmettt chuckled. "That's what Carlisle said. This is North American football. It's different."

"Okay?" I was still skeptical.

"Sit down and I'll explain it." He said, and I sat down with a sigh. Alice was still showing off her new clothes, and I really didn't have anything better to do than join Emmett in watching a game of football.

Emmett kept a running commentary, explaining the rules and giving information on the two teams playing. It wasn't all that interesting, really, but it was something to do.

"So why are we watching this?" I asked again.

Again, Emmett shrugged. "It's something people do." He explained. "When you live among humans, you have to learn to act like them. Guys are expected to be interested in sports, and football is the most popular."

"Do you find this interesting?" I asked.

Emmett thought about that for a minute. "No." He said. "Did you?" I shook my head. "But with our memory we can give a play-by-play in enough detail to convince almost anyone otherwise if we need to." He pointed out.

"I see." I said uncertainly. Were we going to be expected to interact with humans? Did these people get along with humans? Did they go out and befriend them? I wondered how safe that was.

We went back to watching the game.

Rosalie came in later; she stopped short when she saw me sitting there with Emmett. She ignored me, glaring at Emmett. Hostility radiated throughout the room.

He sighed. "Oh, right." He muttered to me. "We aren't supposed to like you. Sorry." I frowned. This meant Rosalie was still against me being here. She seemed to be fine with Alice, though.

I excused myself as Rosalie sat down on the other side of Emmett. I didn't want to be the cause of trouble between the two of them.

I wandered up stairs and back to my room. My eye fell on the book Carlisle had loaned me, and I picked it up, flipping the pages to where I had left off. I spent the rest of the evening reading.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	15. Chapter 15

Rosalie glared at me the next morning as Carlisle and Emmett discussed the game last night. I realized, now that I knew what they were talking about, that they frequently did this before he left for work.

Rosalie was still angry that her husband had been spending time with me. I was slightly relieved, though, that she was angrier with me than at him. I wondered, however, when that had started mattering to me.

Alice grinned at me; she was pleased that I had been spending time with her family. She was, I knew, eagerly awaiting the day when we would all be one big happy family. I wasn't entirely convinced that day would come.

Carlisle left, and Emmett and Rosalie wandered off somewhere; I wasn't about to ask. Edward mentioned to Esme that he was going to go down by the music store.

Alice perked up and gave Edward a huge smile. "Take Jasper with you." She told him, and I could feel the surprise and anxiety come from both him and Esme. They didn't want to risk taking me out among humans. I didn't blame them.

Alice made a noise that was nearly a growl. "He'll be fine, Edward, I promise." She said. "He needs to get used to being around humans anyway." As an afterthought she added, "He needs to get in touch with this century too, for that matter. Help him find some music he likes or something." She insisted.

I don't know why he agreed to it; perhaps he saw something in her mind that reassured him. "Sure." He said. "Come on, Jasper."

I went along, mainly because Alice had put forth the effort to convince him to take me. I didn't really want to go, but I didn't want to seem ungrateful. We wordlessly got into his car.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to." Edward said.

I shrugged. I don't want to inconvenience you. That was only part of the reason, though.

"Alice thinks you can handle it." Edward addressed my other concern. "She thinks this will be good for you."

Right. Sure. I was dreading this.

"But you're going to go along with it anyway." Edward commented.

Because she wanted me to. Yes.

"If she wanted you to jump off a bridge, would you?" Edward countered.

Probably. If I had done something to cause her to want rid of me. The thought of doing something to hurt her was agonizing.

Edward rolled his eyes. "You're as bad as Emmett." He complained. "Well, almost."

That would explain why Emmett had made the comment about not being supposed to like me. He would go along with whatever Rosalie decided. I could scarcely fault him for that. There was nothing I could think of that I wouldn't do to make her happy.

"Sheesh." Edward groaned. "You are just as bad as the rest of them."

Pardon?

"In love." He grumbled. "It's sickening how far you're willing to go for her."

My existence hadn't been worth anything before she had found me, I realized. I had miserable, depressed, had no reason for living. I hadn't even liked myself. Things had changed since I had met her.

Edward sighed. "I don't suppose you can help it, can you?"

I don't want to be able to help it. I didn't. She had given me everything.

Edward rolled his eyes and drove on in silence.

Disclaimer: I am not the author of the Twilight Series, therefore these characters and such else do not belong to me. If I were and they did I would be getting richer off of this story rather than posting it here.


	16. Chapter 16

We reached the music store and I followed Edward cautiously inside. The shopkeeper greeted him with familiarity, if not enthusiasm, and I gathered Edward often came here. The shopkeeper had something to show him, and I was left alone as they began to talk.

I looked around the place; it wasn't very large, maybe a little larger than our living room. It held a variety of items related to music, and was well organized. Albums were in one place together, sheet music in another, musical instruments and accessories and so forth had their own places.

I wandered slowly about, scanning the unfamiliar albums and sheet music, stopping to notice that there seemed to be just about any accessory for any musical instrument one could think of. I moved on to look at a large piano, which held little interest for me, and walked on past violins, trumpets, and so on.

The guitars attracted my attention, though, and I remembered. I had played the guitar, long ago, before. I had known quite a bit about guitars as well, but I was hardly familiar with most of these before save for the basics. A guitar in the corner caught my eye, though.

It was old, quite a bit older than the others. Plainly styled, not much to look at, but more similar to the guitars I had known. New strings had been put on it, but it hadn't been tuned, I guessed. I picked it up and ran my thumb lightly over the strings.

It was sadly out of tune. I winced at the discordant notes. It had been long enough that I couldn't have tuned the first string to an E, but I could at least tune the other strings to fit whatever note the first string currently was. It would sound better, at least.

It didn't take long, and without really thinking about it I began playing. I went through a couple of old tunes I remembered, then began experimenting with a newer song, one I had heard before. I didn't realize I had an audience until Edward spoke.

"He seems to know what he's doing." He was reassuring the shopkeeper. "He's not going to hurt it."

I stopped playing and looked up. "Sorry." I mumbled, a bit embarrassed. The shopkeeper was irritated; I should have realized he wouldn't want someone bothering such an old instrument. I set it down gently. I stood and looked towards Edward, wondering if he would be much longer.

Edward sighed. "It's fine, Jasper." He said. "We can go now if you want." The shopkeeper looked at Edward, puzzled by that last statement.

I didn't want to make him leave on my account.

Edward almost smiled, amused. "I was almost done anyway, I just wanted to pick up this album."

The shopkeeper was staring at me now, unnerved by my silence to Edward's spoken words. I swallowed. "I'll just go wait in the car."

Edward nodded, and turned back to talk to the shopkeeper. I left, and walked quickly to the car, not breathing the whole way. I had been fine inside, but I didn't want to risk not being able to control myself around the humans out and about, not with Edward still inside.

Edward had let me go, I realized. He had let me out of his sight, and out among humans by myself. It had the potential for disaster. I determined not to let anything happen.

He joined me a few minutes later, amused. "You know," he said as he started the car, "you aren't as bad as all that. I figured I could leave you alone for at least a couple of minutes." He chuckled. "Alice didn't see any trouble, anyway."

I didn't say anything as we started back to the house. It would take some time to get used to having someone able to hear my every thought.

His amusement faded. "I don't have to, I can block it out." He said. "But I thought I'd keep an eye on you just in case something unexpected came up."

He _didn't_ trust me; but then, why would he? Why should he? It wasn't as if I had exactly proved myself trustworthy in that area.

Edward sighed and shook his head. "You're too hard on yourself, Jasper. We all have trouble with control our control." He turned to look at me. "I would still have been listening if it had been any of the others with me instead of you. Things happen."

I shrugged; with the lifestyle I had lived before I couldn't afford not to be hard on myself. I was used to a world full of hatred and death and violence. The way I was living now was completely different. It wouldn't take much to make me slip. It _hadn't_ taken much at all.

Edward frowned at the road my thoughts had taken. He tried to distract me. "I didn't know you played."

I shrugged. "I'd forgotten." I told him. "It had been so long."

"You never thought of keeping up with it?" Edward inquired.

I scoffed at the notion. "My existence after I was bitten wasn't the kind that left me with time or desire to pursue extracurricular activities." Plenty of time for wallowing in self-loathing and pity, but that was hardly conducive to playing, and I could just picture the others' opinion of a guitar-playing vampire. Ridiculous.

Edward regarded me inquisitively; I had spoken nothing of my past, but bits and pieces did slip out around him. I only hoped he wouldn't put the pieces together and figure out what kind of monster I had been.

His eyes widened, and he actually turned his attention to the road before him and I stifled a groan. Now he knew there was something, at any rate. The tension climbed until I had to resort to calming us both down before one of us got out of the car and walked back; I didn't want to be walking among humans, and I couldn't drive.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	17. Chapter 17

I found Alice in her room when we returned. She was brushing her hair. "Have fun?" She asked brightly.

"Not really." I admitted.

"But you found a guitar." She pointed out.

I shrugged. "It was nice to remember something good about my past." I told her. "The shopkeeper wasn't pleased to have me bothering it."

"Well, some people are like that." Alice commented. I moved to stand behind her and cautiously took the brush from her and began running it through her hair. She gasped. "You're good at this." She said after a moment.

I shrugged, and continued brushing out her hair, focusing on its silky softness, marveling at the way it shined. When I had finished, she tilted her head backwards to look up at me. I stared into her eyes, drawn in until I could no longer think of anything but her, not that I would have wanted to. She absently wrapped her arms around me; to the surprise of both of us, I didn't shy away.

We stood that way for hours, concerned with nothing else but being near each other.

Author's note: Short, I know. The next should be better, it just didn't feel right to lump them together.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	18. Chapter 18

I was surprised the next morning when Emmett accosted me. "Come on." He said quietly, looking around as if afraid of being overheard.

"Where are we going?" I asked tentatively. He was rather smug, and rather pleased with himself.

"Just come on." I followed him nervously, outside and to his car. He opened the driver's side door and motioned for me to get in. I just stared at him. "Do you want to learn to drive, or not?" He asked. I continued staring.

He shoved me just hard enough to move me towards the open door before slipping over to the passenger side. "Come on." He growled. "Before Carlisle catches us."

I frowned. Would Carlisle object to this? "What's wrong with-"

Emmett didn't wait for me to finish. "He was going to teach you." He rolled his eyes. "We don't need you driving like him, one is bad enough."

I hadn't noticed anything bad about Carlisle's driving, and said so.

"Just because he hasn't killed anyone or hit anything doesn't mean we want you to drive like him." Emmett grumbled. "He's safe to ride with, he's perfectly in control of the car, but it's still scary."

Personally, I would have thought that the doctor would be the safest driver of the bunch.

"Are you getting in?" Emmett asked. He was starting to get irritated. I climbed in, and closed the door behind me. Emmett handed me the keys and began explaining how to start and drive the car.

Twenty minutes later he was growling at me. "Were you listening at all?" He demanded. "It isn't _that_ difficult! Sheesh!" He was regretting this.

I groaned in reply. "I happen to have a firm grasp of the processes involved. The practical application, however, seems a bit more evasive."

Emmett was tense in the seat beside me. "If I was this bad when I was learning, I feel really bad for my biological parents." He grumbled. "Careful!"

I took a deep breath and attempted to calm both myself and Emmett. I worked, a little.

"You just need to get the feel of it." Emmett commented. "You know what you're supposed to be doing."

I groaned again. "You think I'm interested in _getting the feel of it_? That is insane."

"They said Edward was horrible at first too." Emmett supplied.

Edward. That reminded me. "This was _his_ idea, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. He thought you might like to learn." Emmett admitted. "But it was Esme's idea for me to teach you before Carlisle tried to. Rosalie thought she was crazy for suggesting it, though."

"He can't be that bad." I said through clenched teeth. I was _not_ enjoying myself.

"He happens to be the fastest driver out of all of us." Emmett supplied. "He doesn't even realize it, though. And he drives almost as fast as he can react, so it's safe, I guess. But he doesn't drive fast because he hates driving any slower, like Edward, or because he enjoys it, like Rosalie and me. He just drives."

"How fast does he drive?" I asked, curious.

Emmett shrugged. "The speedometer in his car doesn't go that high."

"Really?" I didn't know what else to say. Emmett nodded.

"See?" He said. "You're already getting the hang of it."

"Gee, thanks." I said with a grimace, but I _was_ more comfortable with the idea than I had been. I also did seem to be doing better.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	19. Chapter 19

We returned to the house around mid-afternoon. Emmett was pleased; I knew what I was doing now. We got out, and he wandered off to the garage where Rosalie was tinkering. I went inside the house.

I was greeted by a wave or eager anticipation and giddy excitement. I frowned; it increased as Esme called out my name from the kitchen.

"Jasper?"

Wary, I answered her. "Here, ma'am."

"Could you come here, for a minute?" She called, and I obliged, wondering all the while what she was doing. It made me nervous.

I stopped short at the sight of a guitar case on the kitchen table. What was that doing here? Did one of the others play as well? I would have thought Edward would have mentioned it, though.

Esme smiled at me shyly. She was nervous, now, worried. "Edward said you played, and I thought, maybe…" She trailed off, hesitantly, and moved to open the case. Inside was the guitar I had been playing at the shop yesterday. I stared at her with wide eyes as I realized what she had done.

I closed my eyes and groaned. Edward had been talking far too much about our trip yesterday. Now Esme had gone and-

I noted the change in emotions immediately. Esme was embarrassed now, upset. Mortified, really. I opened my eyes. She had turned to stare at the window, hiding whatever expression played across her face, not wanting me to know I had upset her.

"I'm sorry." She said softly. "I just thought-I mean-I just wanted to-Carlisle said that you wouldn't-I didn't mean to push you-I-" She stopped then, and was trying to pull herself back together.

I hesitated for only a moment. I sent a wave of calm to her as I tried to figure out what to say. "Thank you." I said at last. "I _do_ like it, Esme. I just wasn't expecting-" I closed my eyes and sorted my own feelings from hers.

I was amazed, shocked, really, that she had done this for me. It felt good, if a bit awkward, to have someone want to do something nice for me, and to do something like this-

I felt cared for, welcome. She had done something she thought would please me. It was odd, disconcerting. But it was nice. It felt good.

I tried to take those emotions and open them to her, hoping she would understand what I was trying to do, that this was how I felt.

It worked, some, or maybe it just confused her. She turned hesitantly back to face me. "So, do you like it?" She asked finally.

I nodded, and sighed. She still felt bad for pushing this on me. "Esme, may I tell you something?" She nodded, timidly. "I want you to understand why I reacted this way."

She nodded again, nervously this time.

I took a deep breath. "Esme, my time as a vampire has not been exactly pleasant. I was bitten because I had military experience and could be useful in territorial battles going on at the time. I did some terrible things, Esme, terrible enough that I eventually began to hate myself."

She was watching me with wide eyes, taking in everything; my words, my actions, my facial expressions. She noted it all. I continued, trying to decide how much to say. "Even after I left that situation, I spent most of my existence depressed. You know how I fed; with my ability to read people's emotions…" I paused, briefly. "I could everything my victims felt as I killed them, Esme. I caused so much suffering. And I hated myself for it."

"Up until I met Alice, I didn't know it was still possible for me to feel anything that wasn't negative. I didn't think I deserved to have someone care about me, to actually even like me. I couldn't understand how _anyone_ could.

"But Alice loved me, and then we came here. Your family was wary, but you accepted us, for the most part. I couldn't understand it; everything I had seen had taught me you didn't trust others, you didn't accept them so easily. Alice became family, and I understood that; she's so good, so sweet…"

"But then you worried about me as if I were one of your own, and Carlisle defended me, claiming me as a son. I didn't understand how you could think of me that way, knowing all the things I had done.

"I wasn't expecting this, Esme. I didn't expect to be accepted as family, I didn't expect to be treated like one of you. I certainly didn't expect you to go out and-" I swallowed; I was having difficulty trying to find the right words to express myself. "I can't even begin to fathom it, Esme, and I have difficulty accepting it. I think it's a good thing, though. I think, as new and strange and even difficult as this is for me, that it's something worth having."

She beamed at me as I fell silent; it was more verbose than I had been in about a century. I simply stood there, not quite meeting her eyes as I realized she would have been crying had it been possible.

Did I really mean that much to her?

I wanted to retreat, but didn't want to risk upsetting her again. It didn't feel appropriate, anyway. So I stood there awkwardly as she tried to figure out what she should be doing. I realized with alarm she might try to hug me. I gulped, and took a step back from her.

Her eyes fell on the guitar. "So, will you play something?" She asked hesitantly.

I smiled. "Certainly." I replied, going to the case. I lifted the guitar out gently, and checked to see if it was still in tune. I adjusted a few strings, and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs to play.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	20. Chapter 20

Alice beamed at me. "You made her so happy, you know." She informed me that evening as we sat on the porch. "She really wanted to do something to let you know she cared about you."

"I know." I still had trouble believing it.

She turned to face me, expectant. "I want to learn how to drive too." She informed me.

That was fine with me. "I'm certain if you ask, someone will teach you."

She was mischievous tonight. "_You_ could teach me." She suggested innocently.

"Me? I only learned this morning."

"So?" She asked. "You know how, don't you? Emmett was pleased, wasn't he?"

"I don't have a car."

"We could borrow one." She insisted, a pout threatening to emerge.

I rolled my eyes. "You think we should ask someone if we can borrow their car so I can teach you how to drive, when I only just learned today myself."

She grinned. "Exactly." I sighed at her determination. I wasn't going to win this one. "You don't have to ask. _I'll_ ask. Please?"

"Ask."

She bounded out of the room. I followed her more slowly, and could hear her explaining the idea to Esme.

I should have known Esme would agree.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	21. Chapter 21

I shouldn't have worried, Alice caught on as if she had been waiting her whole life for it. She didn't get stressed over any of it; she made her mistakes as calmly as she did things properly. She seemed to be enjoying herself, in fact. She liked driving, and was soon doing better than I could have.

She nearly panicked, though, when Emmett slipped in through the backseat. "Augh! How did you do that?" She nearly screeched. I'd never seen her surprised by our family before.

Emmett, surprisingly, was not amused. "We need to go home. Now. There's a problem."

Alice frowned as she turned the car back towards home. "So are you going to tell me how you did that?"

"We came looking for you. Edward pulled up beside the car, and I slipped out of his into yours." Emmett said simply. "I thought you could see the future."

"I don't see everything." Alice grumbled. "And anyway, it changes based on people's decisions."

Edward was already back at the house when we got there. Alice and I followed Emmett silently into the house.

I could pick up anger, irritation, resignation, concern, and worry from those inside. I wondered what had happened as we joined the others in the living room.

Emmett took one look at Rosalie's angry face and groaned. "Not again! I just graduated high school! I don't want to go back already."

I frowned. Beside me, Alice sighed. She must have seen something. I looked from her to the others and began sorting out the emotions in the room.

Rosalie was furious. Edward was annoyed, but resigned to what was coming. Esme and Carlisle were both worried and concerned. Emmett, now, was annoyed as well.

Carlisle spoke, his voice as calm as ever, despite his hesitancy. "There's a problem." He said, and I realized that this was only for my benefit. Everyone else already understood. "The police think they know who attacked the campers. They want to take you in for questioning. They're almost certain it's you."

All I could do was stand there in shock as my world came crumbling down around me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move as I realized what this meant.

I would have to leave.

"No!" Alice shrieked, whipping around to glare at me. "Absolutely not." She insisted.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I didn't want to cause them anymore trouble, I didn't want to cause her anymore heartbreak. I wouldn't, anymore.

I couldn't stay.

"Stop it, Jasper!" Alice snapped, her eyes wild. I tore my eyes away from hers. I felt her step closer. "You can't do this." She pleaded, misery taking hold of her entire being.

I closed my eyes, trying to block out her pain; mine was bad enough.

I jerked my eyes open in surprise. Someone had slapped me. I blinked at Rosalie, trying to understand why she was suddenly even angrier.

"Don't be such a stupid, noble jerk." She snapped at me, her eyes flashing. "Nobody expects you to go into exile. We're all leaving, idiot."

I stared at her numbly. What had she just said?

"She said that we're all leaving." Edward repeated. "We're all involved in this, we're all at risk. We're implicated simply by being family."

Emmett spoke up. "When people start getting suspicious, and it's not safe to stay any more, we move on. It happens. We just weren't expecting it to be so soon."

I didn't speak; I couldn't believe they would uproot their lives just for me. Edward rolled his eyes at me.

"We're moving. Don't try to leave us. You're one of the family now. Go pack your stuff, we're leaving tonight."

I let Alice lead me into my room, but stood numbly as she began pulling my clothes out of the drawers. "You don't have much." She said as she threw everything onto my bed. "This won't take very long." She ducked out of the room and came back a second later with a suitcase. She threw all my clothes in there. "Done."

She turned to glare at me. "Sit." She pointed to the bed. She was furious; I didn't know what else to do. I sat. "Now, let's get one thing straight right here and now, Jasper. I don't care what or who you were, I don't care what you've done or what you do in the future. I don't care who you kill or what kind of trouble you get into. _I can't live without you._ So don't ever, ever, ever think about leaving me again. It won't make things better, it won't protect me. It'll break my heart and leave life not worth living. I love you, Jasper. And I can no more live without you than you could without me. Understand?"

I nodded mutely, terrified to say even a single word. She was right, I realized. Whatever happened, we would both rather die a slow, agonizing death together than live for an eternity without the other.

She flung herself into my arms with a sob, and I held her close. "I'm sorry." I said. "I'm sorry for even thinking it. Never again, Alice. Never again." I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and leaned closer into me. We stayed like that for several seconds.

"We should finish packing." She said, pulling away from me. I followed her into her room, and watched as she quickly packed her own things. I tried to help, but she simply moved my hands out of her way with a giggle. "The others are waiting." She said. "Go get your things. Don't forget your guitar. It would break Esme's heart."

We left under cover of darkness, traveling who knew where to our new home.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	22. Chapter 22

Alice and I rode with Carlisle. I sat and stared at the window, still feeling miserable and guilty. They could have stayed where they were if I had only kept my control. If I had resisted just a little more, if I hadn't been so reluctant to embrace their way of life, then maybe none of this would have happened.

I sighed. I knew better. I knew that even now, faced with that kind of temptation, I would still slip. Even knowing what it might do to the others, knowing what trouble it might cause Alice, I still wouldn't be able to resist. I wouldn't even want to, if the thought even crossed my mind.

Alice was calm, perfectly relaxed. I marveled at how happy she could be for the simple reason that I was still with her. I didn't deserve her, and yet she loved me as deeply as I loved her.

Carlisle was nervous, worried. He was tense and quiet as he drove. Concern radiated from him, and I realized with a start he was worried about me.

"I'm fine." I lied; Carlisle's concern only increased.

"This isn't the first time we've had to pack up and move in the night." He said finally.

"Pardon?" I asked.

He sighed. "We usually have to move after a few years anyway, when people start realizing that none of us are getting any older. But we've also had to move suddenly, with no warning before."

I kept staring out the window. I didn't want to feel better. I should feel guilty for this. "Actually, the last time we moved we had to because Emmett slipped." He said thoughtfully. "The time before that it was Esme."

Alice was sympathetic. "I bet she felt terrible." She commented.

I saw Carlisle nod out of the corner of my eye. "She almost didn't come home. She was terrified of disappointing me."

"What happened?" Alice asked anxiously.

"She came home, eventually. To face the consequences of her actions. She actually thought I might make her leave after that." Alice shot me a look. "I couldn't have asked her to go even if I had held her at fault."

"You didn't blame her, then?" Alice asked.

Carlisle shook his head. "Of course not. Our chosen way of life is hard, I understand that. Sometimes it's almost unbearable"

"But you've never slipped up." Alice noted.

"Perhaps not." Carlisle said somberly. "I've certainly come close." We drove on in silence for a bit before Carlisle broke the silence again. "Whenever we come to a new place-" He chuckled as Alice interrupted excitedly.

"Of course we'll go to school, if it'll mean you get to stay longer. It'll be fun! I don't remember ever going to school, you know." She seemed enthusiastic; I on the other hand was hoping desperately that I had misunderstood them both. "I can be in whatever grade Edward's in, I look close to his age after all."

Carlisle was surprised, but pleased. "You don't mind?" He asked.

"Of course not." Alice replied. "Not if it'll help."

I didn't give my opinion on the matter, but was certain that anything involving me and a school building full of children would be a disaster.

Disclaimer: I still don't own this, just in case you mistakenly believed I thought I did.


	23. Chapter 23

If Carlisle had been okay with the idea of us going to school, the others had been vehemently against it.

When Alice announced as we were unpacking in our new house that we needed to go school shopping before Monday , people were concerned, alarmed, and, in Rosalie's case, even outraged.

"No way!" Rosalie hissed. "We had to move because of them! Do you really think it's a good idea to let them loose in a school?" She slammed a box down forcefully on the table Emmett had just brought into the room.

I flinched, and my eyes fell to study the floor. This was my fault. A hand slipped into mine, and I looked back up to meet Alice's warm eyes. She squeezed my hang comfortingly and smiled.

"Rosalie could have put that better," Edward commented, earning a glare from her, "but I don't think it's a good idea either. I don't think they're ready for this."

Both comments had been directed towards Carlisle, since, as the leader of our coven, he did have the final say in the matter. Alice appealed to him next, bouncing up and down with both exuberance and anxiety.

"But we _are_ ready, Carlisle! I know we are. Please let us go, we'll be good, honest!" She sounded almost like a child as she pleaded with him.

"_You _can, maybe." Rosalie snapped. "But what about him?" She pointed at me angrily. "The last thing we want is a massacre on our first day of school."

I felt Alice's anger flare up, for the first time since I had known her. It was something I knew I never wanted to feel again. "He wouldn't-" She began protesting, her anger even visible in her golden eyes.

Edward cut her off, though he was less accusing as he spoke. "Not purposely, Alice. But if he lost control..."

"We'd have to leave again. Assuming we weren't completely exposed." Rosalie glared from me to Alice.

Carlisle sighed. It pained him to see his family in such a serious disagreement. He was a man not given to violence, and one who disliked arguements just as much. To see his own family so at odds was terrible for him.

It wasn't right for there to be all this turmoil over me. I hated to be the cause of even more strife among the members of this coven. I spoke up.

"I don't think it's a good idea either." Seeing the crushed look on Alice's face, never mind the waves of disappointment I could feel flowing from her, I hastily continued. "For me to go. But I don't see why there would be anything wrong with Alice going."

She was thrilled, though reluctant to leave me by myself. Guilty, too, as she realized I didn't actually _want_ to go.

Rosalie blinked, surprised. Edward, too, had been caught off guard by my suggestion. Carlisle was pleased, however. "Is this acceptable?" He asked, as if calling a vote. I was startled by the revelation that that was exactly what he was doing as Esme nodded her agreement almost instantly.

Edward followed suit after a moment's hesitation. Emmett waited for Rosalie's subdued "Okay." to grin and nod.

"Alice? Jasper?" Carlisle asked, letting us know that anytime a vote came up, we were a part of it too, and Alice glanced towards me uncertainly.

"I'm fine." I whispered. "It's what you want." I said, though it wasn't entirely true. She wanted to go, but she wanted me with her. She nodded to Carlisle, but her eyes were focused on me.

"Then it's decided." Carlisle said, relieved. "Alice will start with the others on Monday." He smiled kindly at me. "When you're ready, Jasper, you may join them." He added softly. He had faith that one day I would be.

I could sense Rosalie's derision at his comment, but I didn't care. Alice was excited; she would be going to school Monday. Her emotions almost had _me_ bouncing enthusiastically right along with her.

I wondered how she found that exciting.

We finished unpacking and Alice insisted on planning a shopping trip for the next day. She also insisted that everyone was going. Her tone dared anyone to defy her.

Author's note: Okay, so here's what happens. I write when I'm inspired, and usually that's when only paper is available. Then I have to wait until I have time to type it up, which takes some time. So as a result, I usually end up typing up several chapters or stories or whatever at once, and consequently posting it all at once, which is why I'll sometimes go a while without posting anything and then suddenly have several new things up. So that's how this works.

Disclaimer: This is stupid, of course I don't own the Twilight series.


	24. Chapter 24

"What are you reading?" Alice asked later that evening, coming to sit beside me on the floor in my room. I looked up, and flashed the cover at her. She grimaced." "Dracula?"

I shrugged. It had been in Carlisle's library, and I had been curious. Alice scooted closer, so that we were nearly touching.

"Read to me?" She asked. This was new. "I like hearing the sound of your voice." She explained sweetly.

I nodded and picked up from where I had paused reading. Alice leaned against me as I read, and I moved to wrap an arm around her and pull her closer.

"_20 September." _I read. _"Only resolution and habit can let me make an entry tonight. I am too miserable, too low-spirited, too sick of the world and all in it, including life itself, that I would not care if I heard this moment the flapping of the wings of the angel of death."_

"How sad," Alice said fretfully, "to be so berift of hope." The idea upset her.

I kissed her forehead gently. "I know how he feels." I said soflty. "My life was like that before you found me."

She smiled and scolded me gently. "Don't exaggerate."

"I'm not." I told her honestly. "You gave me a reason to live."

"You're sweet." She giggled. "But you think too highly of me, Jazz."

"Perhaps it is you who fails to see yourself properly." I suggested. It amazed me that she couldn't see just how wonderful she was, just how much she had changed my life.

_"You're _the one who underestimates himself." She insisted, somewhat embarrassed by my praise.

"That makes us a match then." I chuckled. "You _are_ the world to me." I added. And she was. I was nothing without her. My life had been nothing before her.

She leaned in closer, nestled comfortably in my arm. "You know, you're much more verbose when I get you alone."

"Maybe I'm more comfortable around just you." I replied softly. It was true. I was more comfortable when it was just us. I felt I could actually relax.

"But you are getting better around the others." She pointed out. "Aren't you?"

I nodded. "It's something to work towards, at any rate."

"Do you like them?" Alice inquired, curious. "I never thought to ask. _They_ like you. Most of them, anyway."

I smiled at her inquiry, though it was difficult for me to decide how to answer her. I could tolerate them all, certainly, even Rosalie. I was slowly becoming more comfortable around them, although the lack of trust, though well deserved, stung a bit. I _wanted_ them to trust me. I wanted their approval, I realized. I actually cared what they thought.

"I like them just fine." I finally said. Alice beamed at my answer as if I had just given her the moon. She lay her head against my chest and sighed blissfully.

I closed my my eyes and let out a contented sigh of my own. We sat there for the remainder of the night, the book forgotten on the floor beside us.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or Carlisle, or Jasper, or Alice, or any of the others. I also do not own Dracula, from which I have quoted this chapter, just so you know.


	25. Chapter 25

It was morning, and it was cloudy. I wondered if our new home were in a place as regularly overcast as our previous abode. It was rather convenient, I had to admit. It was probably intentional as well.

Alice stirred, and bounced up from her spot on the floor. "Come on then," she urged, "it's time to go!" Her eyes gleamed; she was excited.

"Shopping?" I questioned. I wasn't even going to school.

"Everyone's going." She declared cheerfully. "They all need help."

"I already have new clothes." I pointed out, amused by the sudden seriousness in her as her thoughts turned to the task of shopping for her family.

She wrinkled her nose, but didn't argue. "Please come." She said instead.

How could I refuse her anything, let alone something so small that would make her so happy? "Of course." I replied immediately.

We changed into fresh outfits and I followed Alice as she rounded up the coven and herded them towards the cars.

We ended up taking two cars. Emmett wanted to have the girls take one car and the boys take the other, but Alice wouldn't hear of it. "You aren't getting out of this that easily." She informed him. "Esme and Edward will go with Rosalie and me, and Jasper and Emmett will go with Carlisle."

Emmett scowled at her. "Why do I have to ride with Carlisle? Have you seen him drive?"

Alice laughed. "Carlisle isn't driving, silly."

Emmett was confused, and rightly so. Carlisle and I were a bit confused ourselves. "He isn't?" Emmett demanded. "Why not? Who is?"

Alice sighed as if the answer were obvious. "Jasper's driving. He won' try to escape." She informed Emmett. Apparently Carlisle wasn't too keen on this either. Edward snorted.

"You have no idea." He told me. This, at least, explained the apprehension I was picking up on. Carlisle did not enjoy clothes shopping.

We made it to the store under Alice's direction, and were led inside. Alice began with Edward, claiming, "You boys get bored so easily."

She found a tape somewhere and began measuring him quickly, then began flitting about, picking out articles of clothing and bringing them over to hold them up and explain what he could and could not wear with what and why.

Rosalie and Esme were fascinated, and soon began making their own contributions to Alice's work, primarily in suggestions and questions. Carlisle watched with a politely puzzled air that carried an undercurrent of panic. The fearless leader, who held this coven together, who could work in a hospital all day, quailed at the idea of taking his turn with Alice.

Emmett found Edward's situation absolutely hilarious, at least until Alice turned to him with a smile and said sweetly, "Your turn." He stiffened and stammered and tried to get out of it until Rosalie leveled a glare at him.

"Come on Emmett." She grumbed. "It's not that bad."

It was Edward's turn to be amused, and he stood smirking and making smart-mouthed comments until Alice threatened to kill him. "I am _trying_ to make him look presentable, Edward, and if he takes off to beat you half to death then, so help me-"

"Calm down, Alice." I said softy. "Emmett isn't going anywhere." I shot both him and Edward a glare. She huffed, but calmed down, and went back to finding clothes for Emmett. By the time she was done and ready for Carlisle, however, both Edward and Emmett were tired of this. They stood and pretended to be elsewhere with pained expressions as she worked, mutteringly quietly to herself.

"Practical, professional. Sharp but not excessive. You're a doctor. You don't want to show off, but you do want to look nice." His relief when she let him go was immediate, and he relaxed as he moved to stand next to his wife.

Alice moved on to Rosalie, and the two enjoyed a fierce arguement on fashion while Emmett tried unsuccessfully to sneak away. "What do you think, Emmett?" One of them would ask just as he had nearly made his escape.

He sighed and rolled his eyes before turning to face the women, and I could feel the shift in his mood as he prepared to answer. "_You _look gorgeous in everything." He said smugly. "And _nothing_ too, baby."

Edward groaned and Alice scowled at Emmett. "Go on then," she told him, "if you aren't going to be any help. I'm done with you, anyway."

Edward bolted. Carlisle excused himself almost as quickly. Emmett turned to go, but stopped as something occurred to him. Some distance away, Edward snickered.

Emmett turned to glance at me. "Is Jasper getting new clothes too?" He asked curiously.

"Of course." Emmett chortled at her reply.

"I wanna see this." He declared. Emmett watched impatiently as Alice moved on to Esme, then began picking cothes out for herself. Finally she turned to me, and I knew I was in for it."

I glared at Emmmett as he laughed hysterically at us. Apparently we were amusing.

"What do you think, Jasper?" Alice asked thoughtfully.

"I don't know." I replied. I didn't like it.

"It's fashionable."

"It's uncomfortable."

"Because you're used to wearing styles that are over a century old. You'll get used to it."

"I just think it's unnecessary."

"Quit complaining, Jazz."

"I'm not. You asked."

"Quit acting like you don't want to do this."

"I _don't_ want to do this."

"Well, quit acting like you're being forced into it."

"I _am_ being forced into it."

"Please."

"If you wish."

"Okay. What about this?"

"I don't really think short sleeves..."

"Right. What about now?"

"Do you like it?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, then. That's fine."

Emmett was roaring with laughter. "One little please, and you become so compliant." He jeered, but it was good-natured. I shrugged. I didn't mind thisl I was with Alice, and it was something that made her happy. I smiled at her, and Emmett groaned.

"Don't tell me you're actually enjoying this! What kind of man are you? This is supposed to be the bane of our existance. Sheesh."

"They can't all be as manly as you, babe." Rosalie pointed out. "And Jasper just can't compare. No aversion to shopping, no interest in football, why, he's not even thick-headed."

"Is too." Alice whispered at the same time that Emmett said, "Huh?"

Rosalie smirked, and Emmett moved closer to her. "I have to be pretty thick-headed to stick with you, honey." He said, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Really?" She teased, feigning insult.

"Course not." He grinned, wrapping his arms around her. "There's no one else I want, baby." He kissed her again, and Alice waved them away.

"Go on, then." She told them cheerfully. "Have fun." They slipped off together, his arm still around her. Alice shook her head. "They're great together, don't you think?" She asked Esme.

Esme nodded happily. "They really are. They complement each other so nicely." She turned to glance shyly at us. "So do you two." She added timidly.

Alice smiled. "I think so too." She agreed. She turned back to me. "There. We're done, except for the stupid boots you're going to insist on. Cowboy boots." She scoffed.

"Do I win this one?" I asked. Alice scowled and nodded, but she wasn't really upset.

"But I'm going to try to change your mind anyway." She informed me with a grin.

"What do you have against boots?" I demanded. It was something, at east, that was familiar. Something, at least, that was comfortabe.

"They're ugly." She replied. "They're out of style. They're so-ugh!" She proclaimed.

"They're something _I_ like." I pointed out. "Please."

She smiled and sighed heavily. "And that's why you win," she cocedded with a half hearted grumble, "because it makes you happy."

She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at me, her eyes alight with pleasure and her mood high enough to make me giddy. She had enjoyed all this immensely, and because she was happy, I was happy. It was an emotion I liked, and one I associated increasingly with my Alice.

_She _was joy, and she was happiness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or Carlisle, or Jasper, or Alice, or any of the others.


	26. Chapter 26

Emmett and Rosalie headed for one car, while Carlisle and Esme headed towards the other. Edward took one disgusted look at Emmett and Rosalie and headed for Carlisle's car, leaving Alice and me to ride with them. Emmett slid the keys from Rosalie's hand and tossed them to me.

"Emmett, there is no way he's driving my car." Rosalie informed him with a low growl.

"Are you sure?" He asked suggestively, a smile threatening to emerge. "Think about it. They'd be up front, we'd be in the back…" He trailed off, waiting for a reply.

"All right." She conceded, then whirled to face me. "But you get one scratch on my car-"

"Relax, Rosie." Emmett interrupted her. "He's fine. _I_ taught him, remember?"

She gave me one final warning glare as they climbed into the back seat. Alice and I climbed in the front, and we headed home.

It was a bit distracting trying to drive with them in the backseat, carrying on like the teenagers they would soon be pretending to be.

Alice eyed me accusingly, but she was cheerful, so I wasn't worried. "You enjoyed that." She declared.

"What?" I asked innocently. "Shopping?"

"Giving me grief over your clothes." She clarified. I smirked at her.

"You were enjoying it too."

"Arguing with you?" She asked, skeptical.

"Not really arguing." I said uneasily. "Not over something so trivial."

"Teasing, then." She said thoughtfully. "Joking around. It certainly sounds better." I nodded in agreement.

"I still think your boots are ugly." She pouted, though her mood was still bright.

"That's alright." I told her solemnly. "You don't have to wear them, then."

She cracked up. You would've thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

"Hey! Come on! Keep it down up there." Emmett complained from the backseat.

I rolled my eyes, and grinned as Alice did the same.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.

Author's note: Got quite a bit of stuff typed up over the weekend. I have a lot done, but inspiration mostly strikes when I'm away from any computers and only have pen and paper, so I have to type it up when I get time. Anyway, enjoy.


	27. Chapter 27

Sunday we hunted. The hope was to make Alice's transition into the world of high school humans as easy as possible for her. It would be difficult for her to be so close to so many humans for such a long period of time, especially after spending most of her time solely among her own kind.

"Nervous?" I asked that night. Of course she was. I had been feeling it all day. She sat on her bed, her body radiating tension.

Alice nodded. "What if I can't do this, Jasper?" She asked bluntly. "What if I slip up?"

She didn't want reassurances. She had been hearing them all day from the others, and while they had meant well, it had only made her worry more. She needed to hear the truth.

"You'll terrify a bunch of students. We'll have to move. Rosalie will probably be angry, but the others will all understand. They know how hard it is to resist." I told her gently.

"What about you?" She asked, timidly. I frowned at her, puzzled, not understanding the question.

"What about me?" I asked, finally, as her distress began to increase.

"Well, you think so much of me." She murmured softly. "I'll have let you down."

I moved to sit beside her on the bed and wrapped her in my arms. "Nonsense." I said.

"Nonsense?" She repeated uncertainly.

"Nonsense." I affirmed. "I love you. Nothing could change that, least of all such a mistake."

"But-" She began. I placed a hand over her mouth.

"Look at me." I said, lifting her chin so I could look into her eyes. "The red is finally fading away. I've made my own mistakes. I know that things happen. I don't expect you to be perfect. Nobody does." She smiled, comforted, and relaxed. "Having said all that," I continued, "I think you'll do fine tomorrow."

"Really?" She asked. I nodded. I knew she'd be fine. What _I_ would do while she was gone was another thing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters or ideas.


	28. Chapter 28

They all left early for school. Carlisle started his new job today as well. This left me alone in the house with Esme. She went outside, to work in the yard, and I retreated upstairs to read. It distracted me, for a while.

I finished Dracula by eleven o'clock and put it away with a sigh. I didn't feel like reading any more.

I got out my guitar, but didn't feel like playing. The house was empty. I was lonely, and I missed Alice.

I wandered through the quiet house, looking for some sort of distraction. I sighed again.

I was being stupid. She was happy. She wanted to go. She wanted to be there. I didn't want her not to do this just because of me.

I was miserable without her. Never mind that she would be home in a few hours. Never mind that she was coming back. Never mind that she was enjoying herself.

Esme must have heard me wandering about, because she chose that moment to peek inside.

"Are you alright, dear?" She asked, concerned. I nodded politely.

"Yes, ma'am." I replied, trying to at least sound cheerful. It didn't work. Her worry increased.

"You miss her." She said softly. I nodded again. She smiled and tentatively reached up to touch my shoulder. She was trying to comfort me without pushing herself on me. "It can be hard to be left behind." She murmured gently. I started. She had been left behind as well, I realized.

"Do you-" I paused, hesitant to pry "-miss- Carlisle too?" She nodded slowly, and I could feel her own loneliness.

"I don't want to be selfish, though." She told me. "I can't have him to myself all the time."

"But how do you manage?" Alone in the house, day after day, waiting for him to come home. He worked such long hours sometimes.

"I have the rest of my family. They need me too." She said. "And Carlisle needs his work." She was quiet for a moment. "It helps to stay busy. Come." She requested, leading me outside.

She drew me to the place that would be her new garden. She had been busy turning up the earth and preparing the soil to grow things.

We stood there, looking at that patch of dirt, and Esme began describing what it would look like with plants growing in it. She enjoyed her garden, and drew me into it almost effortlessly.

We spent the afternoon working in her garden, and I found comfort in both the work and the company as Esme talked about everything and nothing at all, her conversation broken up by long comfortable silences.

It was enjoyable, and helped me focus on something other than Alice's absence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight in any way, shape, or form.


	29. Chapter 29

We heard them pulling in the driveway, and I followed Esme to meet them as they came in. Alice nearly threw herself into me, bouncing up and down in her excitement, her eyes bright and wide.

Then she caught sight of the dirt on my clothes. "What have you been doing?" She demanded, dragging me upstairs.

"Gardening." I replied calmly. She was here. With me.

"Your clothes are filthy!" She exclaimed. "Wear your old clothes when you're in the garden." She wrinkled her nose. "This is disgraceful. Change into something clean, please."

"Okay." I said obligingly. "How was your day?"

Her face lit up. "It was wonderful. I didn't eat anybody at all. I didn't even try." I smiled, proud of her for that. "And I have math, and English, and science and history. And I have homework too."

"She finds homework exciting." I heard Edward mutter from downstairs slightly annoyed yet amused at the same time.

Alice shrugged at his comment befor continuing. "And I have history with Edward. We get to do a project. And in English I get to write a story. And Rosalie says it's not a good idea to be friendly to the humans, but I don't think I should be mean, you know? And I missed you. So much." She flung her arms around me and stared up into my eyes. "Anyway, how was your day? Were you okay here?"

"I missed you." I told her. "A lot. Don't feel bad." I said quickly, sensing her guilt. "I managed. I finished _Dracula_, and you noticed that we did some gardening." I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close. I was so glad to have her near again.

"I shouldn't leave you alone.' She fretted. "It's so selfish of me. I should wait until you're ready."

"I'll survive." I told her with a small smile. "Besides, it's worth it, Alice. It makes you happy."

She eyed me skeptically. "Just because it makes me happy? You want this?"

"Anything to make you happy, dear."

Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine in any way, shape, or form.


	30. Chapter 30

Things slowly settled into a routine for me, at least, during the time when Alice was gone. I would walk her to the car at seven-forty five where we would say our goodbyes. I would read in my room for a bit, usually until around ten-thirty, while Esme worked on her own things in her study. Then I would play my guitar for Esme, sometimes learn some new songs from her. Around twelve we would retreat to her garden, where we would work and talk, until Alice returned.

Usually it was Esme who talked, while I listened. It was pleasant. She didn't expect me to respond, I don't believe she felt it necessary for me to even pay attention. And of course, she didn't always talk.

But I listened, and watched, and learned. Indirectly I learned of the man who had abused her, and I learned about her lost child. I learned of her first meeting with Carlisle, and of her changing. I learned that she loved Carlisle dearly, and loved Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and even Alice as if they were her own children. I learned she was waiting for me to accept that same love.

She enjoyed our time together, and enjoyed that she could spend time with just me. She was delighted that I accepted her company.

It blew my mind that she wanted me to be a part of her family. I wasn't a good person, like the others. I had done terrible, terrible, things. I was a murderer. I had slain countless newborn of our kind, at first without even questioning it.

But she didn't know. She didn't understand what kind of person I really was. And she wanted me in her family.

"Do you even know anything about me?" I asked her, and my abruptness took her by surprise.

She stopped working to gaze at me thoughtfully, probably wondering what had caused my outburst. Finally she spoke, slowly, carefully. "I know your name, Jasper Whitlock. I know you were in the American Civil War. I know you have a lot of scars, and I know you are acutely aware of your shortcomings. I know you play the guitar, and I know you are sensitive to the emotions of those around you. I know you and Alice love each other completely."

"You don't know much." I commented bitterly. "And yet you welcomed me freely into your home, and long to welcome me into your family."

She smiled fondly at me. "I know enough, Jasper. You're here. You're home. This is your family, whenever you're ready to accept it."

I turned away from her. If she really knew me, she wouldn't feel the same. If she knew about Maria or the newborns or much of anything about my former lifestyle, she'd want me as far away from her family as possible. None of them would want me here, if they knew.

Funny how afraid I suddenly was to lose a family I didn't even have.

Disclaimer: And still none of Twilight is mine.


	31. Chapter 31

Alice would come home and tell me about her day, and I would share mine. We'd sit in one of our rooms for a bit, enjoying being together again, then I would watch as she did homework.

We went over her reading assignments together. I would sit beside her as she worked on her written assignments, usually while sprawled on the bed. We studied Spanish, and American History, and Algebra.

Often we would just sit together, or lay together, side by side, holding hands or with an arm around the other or bodies merely touching. Sometimes we spoke, but more often we were silent, simply reveling in each other's presence, with no need to express aloud the emotions we felt for each other.

Of course we spent time with the rest of the coven as well, talking or watching television or whatever else. But it couldn't compare, not to me, at least.

A month passed in this way, and I began to realize that I wanted to stay with these people. I wasn't ready to be one of the family yet, but I liked being here.

I didn't deserve it, I knew. I didn't deserve _her._ These thoughts plagued me more and more as time went by.

Alice noticed, and began to worry about me. "What is it?" She asked. We were the only two home that night. "What's wrong?"

I tried to shrug her off. She knew the truth about me, and it didn't make any difference to her. She knew everything about me, and loved me anyway. I didn't want to bother her with this.

"Tell me." She insisted softly. "Please."

I sighed. "I just worry." She waited patiently for me to continue. "I like it here." She knew I meant with the Cullens, not this location specifically. "I want to stay. But I don't feel like I deserve it."

"You worry that the others will find out and won't accept you." Alice remarked. I nodded solemnly. She took my hand. "It won't matter."

"You certain?" I asked, feeling hope rise within me.

"I didn't see it, no." She said gently. "But I know they'll still accept you. You've changed since then, Jazz. You aren't like that anymore."

I wished I could believe her. That I could believe I was different. That I wasn't evil.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jasper." She scolded affectionately. "Whatever happened, I'd still be with you." It was what I needed to hear, perhaps the only thing that would do any good.

I focused on that thought only, allowing it to calm me. She would be with me, whatever happened.

Disclaimer: Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, be the one, who owned Twilight. Nope, didn't work. Drat. I still don't own Twilight or anything related.


	32. Chapter 32

They found out anyway.

Carlisle had the day off, and the others returned home about midday. Carlisle and Esme were anxious as the car pulled into the driveway.

"No." Edward answered the unspoken question as he got out. Rosalie glanced at him, and he clarified. "No one was attacked, Rosalie."

Alice threw herself into my arms, her entire body shaking. I held her as she cried tearlessly. "Jasper!" She gasped.

"What is it?" I asked her softly. She was tense, panicked. Horror and sorrow and terror and grief cut through me as I pulled her closer. What had happened to my Alice?

"She went into a fit in History." Edward told me. "She's been like this ever since."

_Any idea why? _I thought, pressing my lips to the top of her head, trying to calm her.

"She keeps thinking about you." He said, frustrated. "I didn't catch any of the vision. Sorry." He was angry with himself for that.

_It's not your fault._ I thought before turning my focus to Alice.

I tried to calm her down, tried to get her to relax, but every time it began to work, she'd panic all over again. I didn't want to send her into a coma, or whatever the equivalent for our kind was.

"It might be better." Edward said softly. "Give her a break." I nodded, and focused on her. She went limp in my arms.

"Can vampires go into shock?" Emmett asked as I carried her inside and lay her on the couch. He was worried too. They all were. So was I.

What was wrong with my Alice?

What had terrified her so? Affected her so? She had clung to me as if I were all that was keeping her alive. I stared at her, confused, and frightened. I didn't want to lose her.

I felt the sudden increase in tension from everyone still outside, and was out in a flash. I stopped and stared at the Spanish beauty before me.

Maria.

Was this what Alice had seen?

I watched, every muscle tense, as she passed each member of the family and came to stand before me. "Hello Jasper." She spoke softly. Invitingly. "It's been quite some time, hasn't it?" I was wary. She was angry. Very angry. She was dangerous when she was angry.

"Maria." I managed.

"Surprised?" She asked, her voice dripping with honey. There was an undercurrent of fury to her anger. This would not be pretty. "Perhaps you never expected to see me again." She held out a hand, and I took it, raising it to my lips, greeting her as I always had.

Rosalie was suddenly very angry. I struggled to ignore her and addressed Maria. "I _am_ surprised." I confessed. It seemed the best way to go.

She smiled at me affectionately. _Crap._ "You never were one for words, were you?" She looked around as I released her hand. "I see you've found a new coven." She commented. I didn't answer her. I knew better. I was waiting for her to snap. "Golden eyes?" She inquired, her voice a soft purr.

She expected an answer to this, and expected me to supply it. "Animal blood." It was all I needed to say in explanation. She grimaced.

"And you go along with this?" She asked me, disbelievingly.

"I try." Maybe we could keep this civil after all.

"It must be so hard for you." She murmured, stepping closer and running a finger along my jaw. So much for keeping this civil. "You're so tense."

I ignored the conflicting emotions of those around me and focused on Maria. "It _is_ hard." I admitted, trying to diffuse the situation. She would know if I tried to influence her with my gift. _That_ would be bad.

"Then why do it?" She asked. She was honesty curious. It was probably the reason she hadn't lashed out yet.

I tried to explain. To make her understand. "It doesn't leave me depressed." I offered. I hoped that would mean something to her. We had had that discussion before.

She laughed dismissively. "You and your depression." She looked me over. "You still look pretty moody."

I didn't mention that it was her presence that had me tensed for a fight, that had me analyzing everything around us. "I don't like killing humans." I knew as soon as I said it that it was a mistake, but I wasn't about to mention Alice. That would certainly set her off.

She laughed scornfully. "_You_ have a problem with killing _humans_?" Her already dangerous mood took a turn for the worse. "You certainly didn't mind killing your own kind. You trained them and fought with them and when they were no longer useful to us, you killed them. And yet you feel for _humans_?" I tried to ignore the mess of emotions coming from the others. I had to deal with Maria.

She stroked my cheek gently, softly, and it was all I could do not to flinch, not to shudder. "You left me." She said sadly. "I offered you everything, Jasper. Power, and army, companionship, love. And you took it, freely. Don't deny it. You took it, used it, until the day you left with that boy."

Her eyes narrowed, and in one swift motion, she slapped me in the face.

I staggered under the force of her blow, my mind reeling, the ground unsteady under my feet. She grabbed me by my shirt and kept me from stumbling, slapping me again. "You left me!" She shrieked. "You abandoned me! Betrayed me! I made you! Together we had everything!" She hit me once more, and I, through the haze trying to settle over my vision, saw the others recovering from their shock to move towards to defend me.

"No!" Alice's voice was shrill as she emerged from the house. "Stay where you are!" She commanded. The others growled, but they did as she told them.

She was wild-eyed with fear, but at least she was somewhat in control of herself again.

"Another of your coven?" Maria asked, her voice soft again as she let me go. I fell, and did not answer her, still absorbing the fact that she had hit me. There was the physical pain, certainly; my face burned and I was now rather dizzy and unsteady, but what left my head spinning was that she had stuck me, as if I were one of her coven, one of her subordinates.

But she had never hit me. Ever. Not in all the years we had been together, not during our disagreements, not when she was irritated or angry with me. She had hit all of them over the years, at one point or another, but had never laid hands on me in violence.

I was suddenly very afraid.

Maria moved towards me, enough rage radiating from her to knock me back as I struggled to get up. I felt her triumph as she was almost on me.

In a flash, Alice was between us. Maria hissed at her, but stopped short in surprise. "You must be Maria." Alice said innocently. "I'm Alice. Jasper's Alice. And this is Jasper's coven." She nodded towards Carlisle. "That's Carlisle, our coven leader." She turned her attention back to Maria, and her tone was frigid. "You've trespassed on our land and attacked one of our coven. You are also outnumbered six to one. I would recommend you leave. Now."

Maria took a step closer to Alice, and a snarled ripped from my throat. I was up in seconds, ignoring the protests my body made against moving so soon. My eyes met Maria's, and the fury in hers turned to fear as she realized that I would do my best to kill her if she touched Alice. She knew which of us was more likely to win.

She tried to maintain her composure. "Well, I can see I should be going now." Her voice was soft again, seemingly calm. Her eyes locked with mine, and she moved forward again, her hands spread, her promise that she would not strike again. I could hold her to her promise, I knew that much, even if she was hurt and angry.

"Goodbye, Maria." I told her. She came to stand inches from me, far too close for my comfort. I swallowed nervously as she smiled.

"Goodbye, Jasper." She told me, her voice pure silk. Out of the corner of my eye I saw both Edward and Alice start as she closed the gap, kissing me, or trying to. I flinched back from her, trying to distance myself from her.

She left before her anger could get the better of her, never giving me a backward glance. I was glad. That part of my life was over.

I felt drained, emotionally exhausted. I also still felt a bit dizzy and unsteady from her attack, never mind the sting that was still present. I groaned as my focus widened, with her absence, to include the emotions of my family.

I swore.

Disclaimer: Twilight stuff and things still don't belong to me.


	33. Chapter 33

They were angry, furious. They were confused, and shocked, and alarmed. They were hurt. It was more than I could take at the moment.

I staggered back, and my knees buckled beneath me. Alice was beside me as I started to fall, gently supporting me and lifting me so I was standing again. "Come on." She said, leading me inside. I didn't have the will to resist her. I didn't want to anyway.

She led me to the couch, and set me down, joining me, drawing my head to rest on her chest, her arms around me. She was muttering soothingly in my ear, I realized after a moment.

"It's okay." I heard her say. "It's okay. She's gone now, everything's going to be fine." It reminded me of my family, who had followed us in.

"They know." I choked out. It was over.

"Shh." She said comfortingly. "That's okay. They were bound to find out sooner or later anyway, Jazz. At least now you don't have to hide it anymore." I felt someone's anger spike, and flinched.

Alice noticed. "It's okay." She told me again. She was rocking ever so slightly, trying to calm me.

I started to draw away from her. "They'll be expecting an explanation." I murmured.

"They can wait," she told me firmly, "until you're ready."

Impatience. Irritation. Still that anger. The anger frightened me most of all. I tried to focus on Alice, on her emotions.

Love, acceptance, devotion. She would stand by me, no matter what. I took a deep breath, and tried to calm myself. Abruptly the fear, the hurt, the desperation departed, leaving only emptiness inside.

I started to draw back again, and this time she let me. I looked up at the others who were standing there, watching me, waiting for my explanation.

I didn't know what to say.

"I didn't expect to ever see Maria again." I said at last, nervously, trying not to read the emotions in the room.

"We figured that." Rosalie said scornfully.

"Hush." Esme admonished her. "He's trying to talk." She smiled at me encouragingly. "Go ahead, dear."

Her expression was one of encouragment. It was enough. I took another deep breath and began.

"Maria was the one who changed me." I said. "She chose me for my military experience and my leadership abilities. She put me in charge of training her army down south." I saw the realization dawn in Carlisle's eyes as I spoke. "It was an army of newborns. I taught them to fight, kept them controlled, used them in our war against other covens. And when they began to outgrow that newborn stage, when they began to lose their usefulness, I would destroy them.

"That's where the scars came from. They would always fight back, try to defend themselves. It never did them much good. Maybe they got a bite or two in, but in the end they all died. They never stood a chance." Edward grimaced, the memories playing through my mind were not pleasant.

"There was one newborn, eventually, that I got close to. That I began to get along with and even to grow fond of. When the time came for me to destroy him, I couldn't. I was tired of it all, tired of the fighting and the killing and the hatred. So I didn't kill him. We left."

"We traveled for a while together, for we each found the other's company agreeable. Eventually we me another of our kind, Charlotte. They were meant for each other, and eventually I left them to be together, without my presence interfering.

"I wandered alone after that, until I met Alice. My life had meaning again." I shrugged. "I'm sorry. You deserved to know what kind of creature you were accepting in to your family. I just-" I broke off. I didn't have it in me to say anything else.

They were silent, thinking. It was Rosalie who finally broke the silence. Rosalie, who somehow, knew the right thing to say to reassure me that their willingness to accept me had not changed.. "And here I thought you were just anti-social." She said. Carlisle shot her a glance, and Edward rolled his eyes.

The anger had faded, anger that I realized had been largely coming from Rosalie. The others were surprised, still, but understanding, accepting. There was no hatred, or disgust, or resentment.

"Rosalie." Esme scolded her.

I caught her eye as she glared at the others, defying their needless attempts to defend me. "So, what's your excuse, then?" I replied to her jab, letting her feel the relief I was experiencing as I realized one simple fact.

I was still welcome here.

Rosalie stared at me, open mouthed. Emmett snorted.

"He was joking." Edward translated for Esme, who was still upset over Rosalie's comment and now worried about a fight breaking out between the two of us.

I smiled shyly at my family, each in turn. "So now you know." I said softly.

Disclaimer: Neither the Twilight Saga, nor any of its characters, nor anything related belong to me, they are all under possession of one Stephanie Meyers.


	34. Chapter 34

I thought I would be fine. I was here, still welcome. Maria had left. And so I had thought everything would be alright as I said goodbye to Alice the next day and headed back inside.

I started a new book, _The__Story of the Trapp Family Singers, _but froze as I read the name.

Maria.

I flung the book at the wall without even thinking about it. It hit with a thump and fell, leaving its imprint in the wall, but I barely noticed.

I could hear her voice in my head; could still feel where she had hit me. I closed my eyes, but that only made things worse, as scenes began to play through my mind.

*

"_Can't you control them?" She hissed at me angrily. "They're newborns, for heaven's sake!"_

"_I'm sorry, Maria. Sometimes it's hard."_

"_It's your job, Jasper. Do it. Or I'll find someone else."_

_*_

"_What are you doing?" Fear flooded the newborn as she realized. "No." It came out as a whispered plea. "Please." I lunged at her, killing her in one swift motion._

_*_

_Another newborn snarled, eyes fierce, and lunged at me, I growled as his teeth found their mark and sank into my shoulder. I had to pry his teeth out of my skin after I killed him._

_*_

"_Did you let them bite you again, Jasper? You're getting careless. How many was it this time?" She asked lightly._

"_Four bites." I said, my voice emotionless, my expression not betraying the pain I was already beginning to feel as their venom spread through my body._

"_Four? You'll be useless to me tomorrow, Jasper."_

"_I know. I'm sorry. We waited too long to destroy this bunch."_

"_I'll be the judge of that." Maria snapped._

_*_

_I was in a corner of my room, curled into the fetal position, trying not to cry out, trying not to scream as the venom coursed through my body, setting me on fire anew. It was similar to the transformation, though perhaps not as intense, though with the venom from four different vampires, it was bad enough. A moan escaped me, and I gritted my teeth against the pain, my eyes shut and my fists clenched, fingers digging into my palms. Only a couple more hours, I told myself, until I would be able to ignore it enough to function properly again, but for now I was helpless._

_*_

_I tried to explain what was wrong. "I can feel their emotions too, Maria. When I feed, when I kill them. Fear and terror and anger and despair. I can feel it all." I looked at her, willing her to understand my black mood. "It's like a sort of depression."_

_She didn't understand. She merely nodded, and chuckled, and said we had work to do._

_*_

_I sought her out. The fighting had been especially bad tonight, and I was losing the battle against the anger, the hatred, the bloodlust, all the negative emotions that were so much a part of this life. _

_I found her, took her hand, raised it to my lips, and kissed it gently. She smiled, and I could feel her emotions. She was calmer, and was pleased by the way things were going. She was proud, too, of how quickly the new batch of newborns was learning._

_I drank in these emotions greedily, desperately. I needed them. I basked in her emotions, feeling a little, just a little, less empty than I had. It wasn't much, but I would take what I could get. _

_She drew me closer, to sit on the bed beside her. She ran her fingers through my hair, a finger along my cheek, leaned closer so that our bodies were nearly touching. She leaned over, and kissed my neck, kissed my cheek, kissed my lips. _

_I couldn't resist this emotion. I was starving for any emotion that wasn't negative, wasn't painful, and I certainly could not resist such a strong emotion._

_I kissed her back, hungrily, knowing it would strengthen that feeling. I pulled her closer to me, still drinking in this feeling. We continued for several minutes._

_She pulled me down onto the bed with her, her actions more urgent now. This was going too far._

"_No." I said softly, drawing back, putting an end to it. "I can't. I'm sorry." She stared at me in surprise, then growled._

"_Get out!" She snarled, blasting me with fury and hatred and hurt. Blasting me with the emotions she knew I was struggling against. She threw me out of her room, slamming the door behind me._

_I didn't make it far before all the emotions from the newborns returned, and I sank to the floor, managing to huddle in a corner out of the way before misery overtook me._

_*_

_I eyed the child apprehensively. She watched me more with curiosity than fear, although fear was by no means absent. Her cheeks were still wet with tears. _

"_Please, mister, I just wanna go home." She said sorrowfully. "I just wanna go home. Will you help me?"_

_I swallowed the venom pooling at the back of my mouth. What kind of sick game was Maria playing? A child?_

_The child looked at me. "Mama's gonna worry 'bout me, mister." She couldn't have been more than eight years old. _

_I made the mistake of breathing. Her scent was intoxicating, and I took a too fast step towards her._

_Her eyes widened in terror. "You're one of them!" She cried. "Just like the lady!" She was starting to panic now. "Somebody help me! Please! Anybody!" She screamed, backing away from me. _

_She stumbled backwards, and fell, and scraped her arm. There was very little blood, but it didn't take much._

_She screamed in terror as I lunged at her and sank my teeth into her neck. When I let her go her lifeless eyes were still wide with that same terror. A shudder ran through my body._

_*_

"Jasper!" Someone had a hold of my wrists, trying to pull my arms out and away from my body. My eyes flew open and I snarled in a rage at my attacker, throwing myself at him as I let out an inhuman cry.

I had him pinned in less than a second, my hand tight around his throat, my teeth bared just inches from his left ear. He didn't move, didn't breathe. He merely waited for me to act.

It was only Carlisle.

I let him go and jerked away from him, retreating back to my corner. He watched me, concern written on his face and in his eyes. Esme was there too, worried, frightened.

I was shaking, almost panicked. I had nearly killed Carlisle just now. If he had struggled against me even the slightest bit, I would have, certainly. I had not known it was him, had been distressed, and so had seen him as an enemy. And I had retaliated accordingly. It was pure luck that it hadn't gone any farther, or maybe it was the fact that Carlisle hadn't even tried to defend himself.

But at least the memories had stopped. At least her voice no longer echoed through my mind. The scenes had stopped playing through my mind, for now.

I buried my head in my hands, trying to pull myself together, trying to ignore the two people who were so worried about me.

"Jasper?" It was Carlisle speaking, softly, calmly. His voice was always calm, no matter how he actually felt.

Wasn't he supposed to be at work?

"Esme called me. She was worried. She said you seemed to be unaware of anything, and she didn't want to do anything that might make it worse."

I shuddered. If it had been Esme that had touched me… I stopped that thought before it could complete itself.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked. Esme slipped out, giving us privacy.

I shook my head. "No." I said, not looking at him.

I could feel his frustration. "Jasper-"

"It's not that I don't trust you, Carlisle. It's just that there's honestly nothing you can do."

"If I could-" He wanted to help. Wanted to understand. I didn't want to go into it.

"What I told you all last night was true." I said finally. "Just vague. Without a lot of the small, painful details."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. He was interested, he actually _cared, _but was not willing to make me uncomfortable.

But I did want to talk about it, I realized. I had talked about it before, to Alice, but I wanted to talk to _him_. I wanted him to understand. To hear the whole truth.

I just didn't know if he really wanted to know.

I started at the beginning. With what little of my life I could remember, and that fateful night when I met Maria and her companions, the words exchanged, and the bite.

I spoke of my transformation and awakening, of my introduction into their world. Of little odds and bits and pieces, those that stood out in my mind. Of her callous nature, of the pain that living with the newborns caused me, of the pain that even feeding off humans caused me.

How she didn't care, or didn't understand, and in fact loved to taunt me about it when she was upset with me.

How, when she wasn't upset with me, we would spend our spare time together. How I knew she felt about me, and took advantage of it, but never giving her what she truly wanted: myself, entirely, completely.

I told him about training the newborns, and having to keep them under control at all times. Of my reluctance to get close to any of them, and the pain that I felt when I did, and eventually had to destroy them.

I told him about destroying the newborns, and how they would panic, then attack in a blind rage, making it almost too easy to kill them. How they would often get a bite in anyway, and how their bites would sometimes leave me helpless for the next day or so, unaware of anything but the pain.

I told him about the sick games she would play, bringing children for me to feed off, how I hated it but was too weak to resist it, too weak to fight the thirst. How I had killed children, adults, men, women.

I talked about the fighting, of countless newborns falling around me in battle, of the hatred and the anger and the bloodlust, of the violence, of the suffering.

I told him about Peter, and how I had slowly found myself growing fond of him, my horror at being ordered to destroy him. How I had been unable to, and how we had left Maria's coven.

I told him everything, every little detail from that hellish period in time. And he listened, quietly, his eyes growing wide in horror at my words. It pained him to hear this, to listen to such evil, but he listened anyway.

I told him about how things improved after we left, but how I had lost the capacity for feeling anything positive myself. How Peter had found his mate, and how I had left, aware that as much as both of them liked me, that I was making things hard for them.

I talked about my life after that, before I had met Alice. I told of how I merely wandered, existing without any purpose, or reason, and how often I wished I were dead, wished I _could_ kill myself. I did not mention that I had tried.

I finished abruptly, with a description of the diner where I had met Alice. I watched him evenly, waiting for his response. He was silent as well.

But this pained him, horrified him. I could feel pity, but understanding as well. And amazement.

"All this," he finally murmured, "and yet here you are." I stared at him, wondering what that was supposed to mean. "No wonder you seem troubled at times." He said to me. "I'm surprised you survived." He said, and I looked away from him. He continued softly. "It's a mark of how strong you are, Jasper, that you could come through all this and still be as thoughtful and caring as you are."

"I wasn't this way." I told him, turning my eyes back to bore into his. "Not before I met Alice. I didn't care about anyone, anything. She's changed me."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Whatever the cause, the result is that you have become a better person."

I shook my head. "I'm not a good person, Carlisle. You all seem to think I am, for some reason, but I'm not."

"You may not have been, in the past." He told me gently. "But who you are isn't your past. It's the choices you make now, what you decide to do about your past. So you weren't a good person. So change that. Make the decision that you will be today. Make the decision to change, and follow through on it."

I sighed. "You make it sound so easy."

He laughed. "It isn't easy for anyone, Jasper. Not even those who _have_ been good people in their pasts. It's something you have to work at."

"I don't know if I can." I said slowly.

"If you don't try, you'll never know." He said seriously.

I nodded. I _would_ try. I would try to be the good person they all seemed to think I was.

I stayed sitting where I was, and eventually Carlisle edged over to sit beside me. Hesitantly, not wanting to push himself on me, he slipped an arm around my shoulders. I tensed, instinctively, automatically, and he made as if to draw his arm away.

"It's okay." I said quickly, reminding myself to relax, that I _could _relax around him. He left his arm where it was, and I leaned slightly into him. It was nice.

We sat like that for a while, in silence. I realized that at some point in time I had begun to look up to this man, and value his opinion of me.

I also realized that not only had he accepted us into his home, shown us their way of life, and encouraged me when I had fallen, but he had also, today, come home from work because Esme had called and told him I was upset. Because he had been worried about me. I was family to him as well, I realized. He had accepted me, as I was, even as he knew my past, and had heard the sordid details of my existance. He still cared.

Somehow, I had found a home, a family.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me. At all. So there.


	35. Chapter 35

Alice scolded me when they returned from school. "You should have said something." She said softly, feeling guilty for leaving me here. We were retreating to her room, as was our usual course of action upon her return.

"I didn't know." I told her truthfully. "I thought I was okay."

"I know." She said, her expression troubled. "I should have known-"

I interrupted her. "It isn't your fault."

"I could've stayed-"

I shook my head. "Eventually you would have had to go somewhere. I couldn't have avoided it forever." I gave her a stern look. "And you shouldn't be skipping school."

She laughed softly, and let go of her somber mood. "Yes, sir." She replied with a grin before growing more serious again. "At least Carlisle was there."

I swallowed nervously. "I could have killed him."

Alice shrugged it off. "You didn't. He knew what he was doing." She set her backpack down on the floor. "You told him everything?" She asked curiously.

I nodded, meeting her gaze evenly. "Everything."

Her face blossomed into a huge grin. I found myself smiling back as her emotions washed over me. Happiness, relief, and-

Pride.

She was proud of me for telling him.

"It _is_ a relief to know he knows." I told her, settling on the floor as she dug through her bag for her homework. "And that he still wants me here."

"And you thought you'd never belong." She teased gently, her eyes alight, her mood higher than the clouds.

"I never imagined that it could be like this." I said slowly. Alice smiled as she pulled out her history book and began working. "I thought all there was for us was fighting, death, bloodlust. Even after I left Maria's coven, it never occurred to me that I might be so lucky- I have a family, a home. And you." She looked up from her writing. She was answering questions about the American Revolution.

"And I have you." She replied. "We're the two luckiest people in existence, Jasper."

I had to agree with her.

Somehow I made it through the week. I was fine when Alice was home, but had insisted that she didn't need to miss school for me, and reluctantly, she agreed.

I followed Esme around during school hours, after I realized that it wouldn't take very long alone for the memories to resurface, and realizing that I wasn't capable of dealing with them, though they had been somewhat less agonizing than they had before I had spoken with Carlisle.

Torture was still torture, however, and so I spent the week shadowing Esme, who didn't seem to mind. Although she worried about my sudden need to be with someone at all times, she was pleased to have me around, and relieved to be able to help.

So she humored my pathetic inability to be left alone, and with a good will. She hummed to herself as she painted, unbothered by the fact that I was hovering nearby, watching. We gardened, as usual. I even helped her clean, unnecessary as that seemed. The house seemed to stay spotless, but maybe it was because of her attempts.

I followed Alice closely whenever she returned, and felt slightly guilty for encroaching upon the time she would normally have spent with the others, but she assured me that everything would be fine, I just needed some time.

All the same, it was a relief when the weekend finally arrived.

Disclaimer: Twilight and all associated with it does not belong to me.


	36. Chapter 36

On Saturday, Alice and Emmett dragged me to the park. Alice insisted it was to help me start getting used to being around humans. _That _nearly sent me into a panic. I didn't want to be anywhere near humans, especially since it had been several days since the last time we had hunted, and abstaining from human blood only made the desire for it that much more potent. But it was what Alice wanted, so I didn't argue.

"There aren't very many humans there," she said of the park, "it won't be too overwhelming at all. And Emmett will be there just in case." She reassured me.

"I really just wanted to escape from Rosie." Emmett joked in a whisper. Alice could easily hear him anyway, and rolled her eyes at him.

"As if you'd ever want to escape Rosalie." She scoffed. Emmett shoved her playfully. It was a mark of how things had changed that I recognized instantly that he was just messing around.

"Hey, now," I growled, "pick on someone your own size."

"Like you?" Emmett asked tauntingly, lunging at me. I stepped out of his way and tackled him easily, taking him down to the ground.

We spent the next couple of minutes playfully trying to break each other's necks while Alice watched, laughing almost uncontrollably. It was fun, I had to admit, and it was nice to be able to relax.

I was faster, but Emmett was stronger. When he finally managed to get a grip on me, and only because Alice had been distracting me, I was stuck. I wasn't going anywhere, I realized.

Surprisingly, I didn't really feel cornered, or threatened, or trapped. Just annoyed that he had managed to get me in this position. "Let me up." I grumbled, struggling futilely against him. He smirked and straightened, shifting his grip to throw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I growled at him behind his back. "Very funny." I said sarcastically. "Come on, Emmett." My shirt was slipping up, or down, since gravity was in effect.

"You _do_ have a lot of scars." I heard Alice remark softly.

"Thank you, Emmett." I growled. He just chuckled as he hauled me somewhere; I couldn't actually see where.

Alice began giggling again. "Hush!" Emmett warned her. I could feel her amusement, and his smugness; he was pleased with himself.

Suddenly I could smell them. Humans. Every muscle in my body tense, ready. I was instantly trying to identify their locations in relation to mine. They weren't far. I could sense that much.

I was suddenly distracted by the sensation of falling, and the shock of suddenly being wet. I glared up at Emmett, the humans forgotten save for the leftover burning in my throat, from my seat in the small pond in which he had dumped me. I was soaking wet. He and Alice were both going into hysterics. It made it hard to hold on to enough annoyance to growl at both of them.

"Here." Alice said cheerfully, her good mood completely displacing mine. She held out a hand to help me up, unnecessary as it was, and smiled at me.

I took her hand and, in a split-second decision, pulled her in after me. She was taken completely by surprise, and shrieked as she fell. Emmett chortled as she scowled at me and splashed more water my way. I laughed, and splashed back at her before we both climbed out of the pond, and Alice gave me a mischievous wink.

She danced up to Emmett, and before he realized what she was up to, had wrapped him in a hug, still dripping wet.

Emmett yelled and tried to pry her off, but she let go willingly, and came back to stand by me, beaming.

We were mostly dry by the time we returned home that evening. Esme greeted us as we entered. She usually welcomed the family home in this way.

"Enjoy yourselves?" She asked brightly. Emmett chuckled and launched into a description of the incident with the pond, and Alice and I slipped upstairs to change.

"Thank you." I said as she slipped into my room, now in a clean, dry outfit. I was pulling a shirt over my head, otherwise clothed. She smiled as we sat on my bed.

"You're welcome." She replied as I put my arm around her. "I'm glad you had fun."

It became a weekly occurance. On Saturdays Alice would take me out, somewhere with some humans, but not enough to be overwhelming, to help me get used to them. We went to parks, playgrounds, libraries, small stores, and so on. Sometimes Emmett would go with us, occasionally it was Edward, once Rosalie went along. It gradually became something that just the two of us did.

Alice was very good distracting me, and I was slowly growing capable of functioning around a very small number of humans without losing control of myself.

Disclaimer: Twilight doth not belong to me.


	37. Chapter 37

Summer came, and I had Alice back. We spent most of our time together, either inside, in one of our rooms, or outside, exploring the area in which we lived and the less frequented shops and other areas of interest.

I still spent time in the garden with Esme. It was something we had both grown to look forward to, and continued even after school had let out for the summer.

Emmett and I had gotten into the habit of watching a football game together each week. He liked football, and liked having someone to watch it with. I enjoyed having something we could do together, but I could only handle so much of the sport.

Carlisle and I had started discussing literature sometime back, as he realized how much time I spent reading and combing through his books. It was interesting to compare opinions and insights on the things I had been reading.

Rosalie still avoided me as if I carried the plague. I saw very little of her, and often wished there were something I could do to convince her that I wasn't here to ruin everything.

Still, life was pretty good.

I slipped again.

It was late, and Alice and I were walking through the nearly deserted streets of the city. We did this from time to time, always towards evening, when fewer people were out and about. Our minds were usually only on each other.

We heard shouting down one of the alleyways. There was cursing, too, and someone was speaking quickly.

I could feel fear, and panic. I could also detect anger, jealousy, and rage. I shook my head and turned back to Alice.

She had gone rigid. Some vision had hit her. I ignored the arguing couple in the alley and focused on her. "Alice?"

Her eyes were blank, unfocused, and she was a million miles away. I wrapped an arm protectively around her, waiting for her vision to release her and return her to me.

There was an odd sound, and a gasp, and the female from the alley cried out. The man cursed at her, and she began pleading with him.

The smell of blood hit me seconds later, as Alice snapped out of her vision. She moved to restrain me but I was already gone, my mind focused on only one thing.

Blood.

By the time I regained control of myself, I was standing over a dead body. The man. The woman lay not far away, also drained. Alice was staring at me miserably.

She was blaming herself. "I'm sorry." She said thickly. "I didn't see it soon enough. I-"

I moved to her side. "Hush. It isn't your fault." I told her firmly.

Then the aftereffects of their emotions hit me. Terror, despair, panic, all of it hit me, and I staggered, Alice grabbed me and held me closely, and whispered words I couldn't comprehend.

It was so much worse, experiencing all this, after all the time I had gone without. I had built up some tolerance before; now it was as if I were experiencing it all for the first time.

And the blood. The blood had been so sweet. The taste had been far more pleasureable than I remembered. It had felt, briefly, right. As if it were how we were supposed to be.

But that thought had vanished under the onslaught of my victims' last emotions. I shook, and trembled, and would have cried if I could have, would have screamed if I had had the breath

I managed to get a grip on my misery and guilt and realized that Alice had led me away from the alley, and away from the city.

"I'm sorry." I finally said in a harsh whisper.

"I know." She said gently, leading me to a bench. We were in the park again. It was empty. "Now stay. I'll be back soon."

I stared at her, eyes wide. "Where are you going?" I asked. She wasn't angry, just determined.

"To get rid of the bodies." She said firmly. "Stay."

It would do no good to argue with her. I stayed. She returned after what felt like an eternity but was in reality little more than an hour. "Don't worry about it." She said before I could ask what she had done. I felt guilty; she shouldn't have to clean up after me. She deserved so much better.

We headed home, and her hand found mine as we walked. When it was safe, we began to run. Her hand remained in mine.

Alice took command as we returned, explaining what had happened and assuring them we had taken care of everything. They were all very understanding about the whole thing.

It only made me feel worse. They acted as if it were perfectly understandable for me to lose control, to kill someone.

"It is." I Edward replied to my thoughts. "It happens."

I retreated to my room, and Alice seemed to sense that I needed a moment, because she didn't follow. She remained downstairs to give the details to Carlisle. I tried to ignore her as I stared at my reflection in the mirror Alice had insisted go on the wall.

My eyes were bright red. I scowled at their reflection and turned away.

Even Rosalie had been surprisingly rational about the whole thing. I would have felt better if _she_ had at least growled at me, or been angry.

Why were they all so calm about this? So understanding? I didn't deserve this. I deserved to shouted at, or punished somehow. Something, anything.

There was a knock and the door swung open. "Edward sent me to yell at you." Rosalie announced as she entered, closing the door behind her. "He said it might make you feel better." She said scornfully. "I doubt it would make you feel worse. You're spreading your misery around pretty freely."

"Sorry." I replied shortly. I didn't want her to suddenly be civil with me. It only made things worse.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Oh, _please_. Give me a break. So you goofed. Get over it. We've all messed up here." She stopped, and frowned slightly. "Well, Carlisle and I haven't, but everyone else has. You aren't anyone special. So quit moaning and moping. All they want is for you to determine to do better this time. They don't want you to sit and wallow in misery, especially when you bring the whole house down with you. Idiot." She huffed. "You people. You make a mistake and think it's the end of the world. Honestly!" She grumbled.

Apparently I wasn't the only person who beat myself up over this. It wasn't that they weren't worried about it, it was that they all _did_ understand, far too well.

I managed a small smile as I relaxed some. "Thank you." I said earnestly.

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't mention it. Ever." She said, and turned and left without another word.

I stared after her in surprise.

Disclaimer: Twilight belongeth not to me.


	38. Chapter 38

The next day Edward decided to teach me how to play chess. I listened as he named each of the pieces and how they moved. He went on to explain the rules and the purpose of the game.

It seemed simple enough. Capture the opposing side's king. It was a game based on strategy. I could handle strategy.

I wondered what he found so funny as we selected colors and set up the board. He was highly amused and greatly entertained. I tried to ignore him and focus on the game.

I was white, and so had the first move. So the game began.

I never stood a chance. He beat me mercilessly, and quickly. I hadn't lasted for five minutes.

Emmett came in as Edward smugly moved the final piece. "Checkmate." He said. I glared at him, slightly annoyed.

Emmett rolled his eyes and hit Edward in the back of the head. "Don't play chess with Edward." He told me. "He cheats."

"Cheats?" I repeated. Emmett tapped his temple, and I understood. Edward, of course, had been reading my mind the entire time. I scowled at him, and he finally cracked up. Apparently this was his idea of a joke. I was less than amused.

Alice and Rosalie chose to return then from their shopping trip. Rosalie had discovered that she enjoyed shopping with Alice, and so they would go out now and again.

"I want to play." Alice announced brightly. "I want to play Edward."

"She caught the game." Rosalie informed us. "Nice one, Edward," She taunted. "but I want to see how he'd do against someone who plays fair."

"He can play Emmett after I beat Alice." Edward told her.

"So certain, Edward?" She asked sweetly.

Alice won without either of them moving a piece. They sat down, set up the board, then proceeded to play the game in their minds, never moving a piece, until Edward finally tipped his king sideways. Alice beamed at me, then turned and stuck her tongue out at Edward.

Emmett and I then began a match. I was impressed; Emmett had never struck me as particularly thoughtful, yet he was doing well. What advantage I held where strategy was involved, he matched with experience and familiarity with the game. Eventually, however, I had the last word.

"Checkmate." I said, and heard Rosalie mutter to Edward.

"He's good." She admitted. Emmett glowered at me, not really angry, and lunged across the table at me.

I wasn't certain when Emmett's wrestling partner had switched from Edward to me, but I didn't mind. I just hoped Edward didn't feel slighted.

"Actually, it's a relief." I heard Edward say as Emmett and I rolled around in the floor. "I was getting tired of it."

"Tired of losing." Emmett grunted mockingly as I pinned him for a few seconds.

Edward just rolled his eyes.

Author's note: I figured since this one was so short, I'd go ahead and give it two you at the same time as chapter 37. Hope you liked them both.

Disclaimer: Yea verily doth Twilight not be in mine possession, but rather, in the possession of the author of said series.


	39. Chapter 39

Time passed quickly and pleasantly. Summer turned to fall, and the others started back to school. I once again found myself keeping busy, distracting myself from her absence.

A week into October, Alice came home worried. I started to ask about it, but Rosalie cleared everything up before I could even get to Alice.

"We have group assignments." She announced to Carlisle with a roll of her eyes. "I have to bring home humans tomorrow."

Humans. Here. I felt myself tense. This was why Alice was worried. Did she sense some confrontation coming? Would I-

"It's not that." Edward interrupted my thoughts.

"Then what?" I asked, confused.

"Rosalie doesn't want you near them." He explained.

Understandable, I supposed, though it still hurt. But tomorrow was Saturday. Alice and I usually went out. We weren't likely to be home anyway.

I felt Edward's discomfort increase, and his eyes darted to meet Alice's for less than a second before darting away.

As if she had read both our thoughts, Alice stepped closer to me. "I have to go meet with my own group tomorrow." She told me apologetically. She felt terrible about it. "They want to meet at the pizza place."

I understood then. I had become an inconvenience. They didn't trust me at home with a bunch of humans around, and they didn't trust me to be out on my own.

It irritated me; I had managed well enough on my own before coming here, at least, when it came to not killing humans, aside from feeding. I was certainly not as strong as the others, my control nowhere as good, but I wasn't some newborn who was likely to attack any humans I came across.

"Jasper-" Edward began, but I cut him off.

"Don't worry about it." I snapped. "I'll find somewhere else to be."

Alice opened her mouth, but I never let her get anything out. "Somewhere clear of humans. You don't have to worry." My tone softened slightly as I spoke; I couldn't be angry with her.

Merely angry that I had given her cause for concern. Angry that I couldn't be trusted. Angry that this was an issue.

I didn't want to be here any more. I didn't want the sympathy that was starting to come from most of the others. I excused myself and headed for the door.

"Jasper?" Alice asked, worry flashing in her eyes as well as radiating through her.

"I'll be back." I promised. "Sometime." I already knew I couldn't leave her for long, but I needed some space. Solitude. She understood, and would give me that space. That time.

"Jasper-" I heard Edward call after me as I darted out the door. I ignored him and broke into a run.

I was tired of being the weak one. The liability. I was tired of everyone feeling they had to look out for me. I was tired of them waiting for me to slip, to lose control.

I wondered, as I ran, why I even bothered trying. What was the point? I would always be the weak link in the chain.

Alice would accept me either way, I knew. She _had_ accepted me, regardless of who I was or what I was. I didn't _have_ to do this.

I stopped running.

I had reached a placed. A place, as I had promised, devoid of humans. A place I could truly be alone.

I had come here, in times past, before Alice, when I needed to be free from the smell of humans, free from the emotions of others. I had come here when I needed to think, and consider.

It was a log cabin, abandoned long ago, deep in the backwoods of some long forgotten hollow in Western Virginia.

West Virginia, I corrected myself absently. It was its own stated now.

The cabin was like something out of a fairy tale, from some story. Once upon a time in a cabin deep in the middle of an enchanted forest…

There was a vegetarian vampire who was nothing but trouble for his family. I snorted. Some fairy tale.

The place was desolate, and overgrown. No one had been here since the last time I had visited, I noticed. I found my way in, careful not to disturb the piece.

Inside I stood, and sat, and paced. I sulked too, I must admit, I was going to be honest with myself, and let loose the irritation and anger and other emotions I had been working to control. It was too easy to accidently broadcast the wrong emotions when I was upset.

I spent the night alone, debating with myself.

Disclaimer: As ever, I do not own Twilight.


	40. Chapter 40

I was thirsty.

I went out to hunt, though my mind wasn't really focused on it. My thoughts were elsewhere, on other things.

Why did I bother trying?

Alice would understand.

Carlisle would be disappointed.

Why did I care what he thought?

He considered me one of his own.

Did I feel the same way about him?

Wouldn't he understand as well?

Did I want him to understand?

I realized I had caught the scent of something and turned towards it, but I found my thoughts still distracted.

The others would understand. Truthfully, they were probably expecting it sooner or later.

I could hunt outside of their 'territory.' I would leave nothing to point to them. I _was_ capable of caution.

I could feel satisfied again.

I dropped from a tree down in front of my prey. Then I froze, confused.

What was a human child doing here? How far had I come?

Quite a number of miles, I realized, as I stared at the child.

He stared back, curious. He had been startled, but was no longer afraid of me. Some humans seemed to have been born without any sense. His family was nearby. I could smell them, and him. The scent was immensely enticing. I tensed, ready to lunge.

My mind screamed out in protest, and I jerked backwards, startled. I stared at the boy with wild eyes, trying and failing to understand what was happening.

He was frightened now. I moved faster than any human should. Why didn't he turn and run?

I swallowed the venom that was gathering in my mouth and spoke. My voice was harsh and hard as I spoke. "Go home, kid. Now. Run." I glared at the child, and let loose a snarl.

He bolted, terrified. I fled in the opposite direction, back to the abandoned cabin. I did not slow until I had reached it.

I stood shakily trying to figure out the significance of all this.

Something had stopped me from killing that boy. What? Why had I stopped?

It had not been the thought of disappointing Carlisle, or any of the others. It had not been the thought of Alice. There had been no thought of the depression that was sure to come afterward, or the guilt.

None of that had even occurred to me.

It had been me. I had been horrified by the thought of killing that child and drinking his blood.

I hadn't wanted to kill him, I realized. I didn't want to end his life. I wondered when that had happened.

When had I begun to consider human life sacred again?

I was still weak, though. Only the shock of my reaction had stopped me, snapped me back into sanity. I couldn't count on that again. I knew that in spite of this, I was still a liability.

I didn't have to be, I thought rebelliously. I wouldn't be. I had taught myself to go a week between feeding, surely I could learn to go longer. I could learn to be around humans without losing control. It would be a slow, painful process, but I _could_ do it. I would catch up with the rest of the Cullens, however long it may take. I had no doubt that it would take a long time.

I realized this was something I didn't want to tell the others. I doubted they would understand that this was something I needed, for I _did_ need to do this.

Alice would understand. If not _why_ I needed it, she would at least understand that is _was_ something I needed. She would encourage me in it, too.

I hoped she wasn't worried about me. I shouldn't have left so abruptly, without any explanation as to where I would be or when I would be back.

I had left in a temper, too. I had been angry, but they had been right to worry, right to be concerned. It wouldn't be that way forever, I vowed.

I shouldn't have snapped at them. I shouldn't have stormed out like a child throwing a fit. They didn't deserve that.

I would go back now. It would be evening by the time I returned, and I didn't want to worry them any more than I had to. I had already been gone for a day.

I left the cabin and turned toward home.

Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine.


	41. Chapter 41

I could taste the tension in the air as I returned home; confusion, anger, and alarm were present as well. I sped up, worried.

The family was there, along with someone else. Someone familiar.

Oh.

Peter and Charlotte were here.

I made out six rather angry vampires facing off. I heard Rosalie insult the two visitors, and the male's resulting snarl.

Emmett launched himself at Peter. Charlotte went after Emmett in retaliation, which of course set Rosalie off.

Great. Someone was going to end up hurt.

Or worse.

I fought down the panic that threatened me and tried to get Carlisle's attention, hoping he might be able to do _something._ "No! Stop him, Carlisle! Call them off!" I was there, then, and moved to block Emmett.

Peter went into a rage as Rosalie managed to get a blow against Charlotte, and it was all I could do to keep my own cool with all the anger in the atmosphere.

Peter lunged towards Rosalie. He was going to kill her. I jumped in his way, knowing full well the consequences of such an action, and shoved him away from the others. He snarled and came after me, and I was suddenly occupied with keeping him off me.

Then Emmett had to be stupid enough to grab Charlotte, who had paused, distracted by Peter and me. Peter again made a move towards Emmett, and I moved forward to stop him.

Emmett needed to let Charlotte go. Now.

"Emmett-" I broke off as Peter lunged towards me and bit, sinking his teeth deep into my arm. I yelled as I felt as well as heard the impact his teeth made with the bone in my arm. I grunted and jerked him around, determined not to let him get to Emmett. Emmett was big, and strong, but Peter was well trained in killing. I had trained him myself.

Peter struggled, focusing his attention on biting deeper into my arm.

I fought back a wave of nausea and tried to think past the pain.

"Emmet, let her go." I gasped. I took all I had to get the words out. I wanted to shout, or scream, or cry as the Peter's venom flowed into my arm. It was starting to burn already.

Emmett was confused. "But-"

"Just do it." I snapped, for all the good it did. He wasn't listening. The rage around me was slowly starting to affect me, and I had to remind myself that he thought he was doing the right thing. "Carlisle." I said desperately, catching his eye. Peter sank his teeth deeper into my arm, and it was all I could do not to let go. A hiss escaped me, but I kept my attention on Carlisle.

He nodded, slightly. "Let her go." He told Emmett.

Emmett was betrayed, hurt, and angry, but he let her go. Charlotte shot him a glare before she turned her attention to me.

I let Peter go, knowing that if he or Charlotte went after anyone now it would be me. I jerked my arm loose and stumbled slightly as I moved back from them, hoping that since they were both loose and unharmed, reason would return to them.

Peter whirled about, tensed to attack, but stopped abruptly, his brain not quite processing everything properly for a couple of seconds.

Then he recognized me, and let out a groan. "What the heck's going on?" He demanded after a moment, confused and a bit embarrassed.

I relaxed minutely. The worst was over. I was irritated, though. Angry, as well. "She attacked his mate." I said coolly, nodding toward Rosalie. Peter put the pieces together quickly.

Charlotte had gone after Rosalie, Emmett's mate. And so Emmett had attacked.

Charlotte was still rather upset. "She attacked mine." She spat out.

Rosalie _had_ lunged toward Peter, though Peter had snarled at her, which, as tight as Emmett's nerves had been stretched, had been perceived as a threat. It had been a threat anyway, or close to one.

I reminded them both of this fact. "And he threatened hers."

"She started it." Charlotte protested.

"And I've ended it." I glared at her. "I thought you were already past the newborn stage." I felt the confusion from my family, but ignored it as Charlotte grew angrier.

"I'm not a newborn." She hissed at me, seeing the statement clearly for the insult it was.

"Then why are you acting like one?" I demanded. She scowled at me.

Peter decided it was time to intervene. "Easy, Jasper. Take a minute and calm down."

I rolled my eyes, but realized he was right. I was practically drowning in anger, or had been. It was starting to die down a little now, thankfully. "Well, what did you expect?" I asked, still aggravated. "We've got everyone trying to rip each other apart, never mind that you just bit me."

I regretted that instantly. He winced, and I could feel his guilt and embarrassment. "Sorry about that."

I shrugged. "I knew it was coming." I said. Peter shifted uncomfortably, at a bit of a loss as to what to do now.

"So who are these Yankees that you're so fond of anyway?" He finally asked, remembering that we weren't the only ones here.

"That's my family, or some of it." I replied easily. Peter and Charlotte stared at me in surprise- well, more like shock, actually. They were trying to comprehend what I had said, but it was taking them a second.

Then it clicked, and Peter grinned and moved to slap me on the shoulder in congratulations. Charlotte was also happy, but both were curious, and would want to know more.

"Let me see your arm." Peter said, feeling guilty all over again.

"It's no big deal." I said, shrugging his arm away from mine. It was starting to spread, though, and I still felt somewhat nauseous. I needed to do _something _about it soon.

Peter glared at me. "Don't you try lying to me like that. I know better." He retorted. I rolled my eyes in response.

"Carlisle's going to insist on looking at it anyway." Alice piped up. She was back, and Edward as well. She smiled at Peter and Charlotte as if she knew who they were, which she did, I was sure, before turning her attention to me. "Sorry." She apologized. "By the time I saw what was happening, it was too late for me to be able to do anything anyway."

"And still you came." I noted.

I picked up on her exasperation. "So you would let them look at your arm, Jasper." She declared. I wasn't going to win this one.

"Now? Or after the introductions?" I asked, uncertain as to what to do now. Could I leave everyone like this?

"Now." She said firmly. "Now everyone knows that you know everyone, they won't be so quick to kill each other." She turned to Carlisle. "Use your office, Carlisle, nobody else wants to see Jasper's pale, skinny arms."

"Ha, ha." I retorted, but she knew, as my eyes met hers, that I was grateful. I didn't want them to see any more of my scars than was necessary. I hated them.

Everyone else stayed outside with Alice, except for Peter, who wasn't letting me off the hook that easily. He followed Carlisle, and waited for me to close the door before he darted forward and began lifting my sleeve.

This was a familiar ritual, one we had often done for each other when we were still in Maria's coven, though he had far fewer scars than I did, and none so noticeable. He stopped as the fabric hit the injury, and I grunted softly.

He ripped my sleeve so he could get it out of the way without causing me more pain, pulling the cloth away from the bite carefully.

I could see Carlisle staring at my arm, the scars, and feel his horror at the realization of what they meant. Peter backed out of the way to let him in, merely out of courtesy, since this _was_ Carlisle's coven. Carlisle's eyes widened as he studied it, and as he realized how bad it actually was.

Peter had used up his store of patience for the day, and darted in and around Carlisle. I was somewhat relieved, as the pain from his venom was getting worse, and I wasn't sure how much longer it would be before it was too late to do anything about it.

"Give me your arm." He said, and I did, though I worried that I might upset Carlisle.

Carlisle _was_ upset by Peter's next course of action. I let out a groan as he raised my arm to his mouth and began to draw the venom out. It doesn't feel good, at all, though it's certainly the better alternative to letting the venom spread as it would.

"What are you doing?" I'd never heard him sound anything less than calm before, no matter how he felt.

"It's okay." I reassured Carlisle.

I explained what Peter was doing, that just like when a vampire bit a human, they inject venom into them, the same thing happened when one vampire bit another. How if you drew out the venom before it began to spread through the body, you were spared the pain of having another vampire's venom coursing through you.

Peter stopped, satisfied. "How's your arm? Does it still hurt?" He asked.

"Not enough to bother with." I said, knowing I wouldn't get away with telling him it didn't. He knew better. "There's some slight pain where it managed to already start spreading, and the bite itself, but it's not too bad."

Carlisle was still worried, still not sure whether he should have let Peter do this. I held out my arm to let him see as well.

"Of course." Peter replied, as Carlisle examined my arm. He was relieved, and a bit intrigued. "So are you going to explain," Peter continued, "why you have a coven leader who can't fight and lets you guys get so mouthy?"

He wanted to know who these people were. He wanted to know if Carlisle was okay. He wanted to know if I was happy here.

"This is Carlise." I said by way of introduction. It was probably the best way to start, as silly as it seemed. "Carlisle, this is Peter."

"Howdy." Peter replied with a nod.

"Hi." Carlisle replied uncertainly. "It's nice to meet any friend of Jasper's."

Peter turned back to me, worried. "He can't fight." He said. I didn't ask how he knew; it was obvious. "Don't deny it." Peter went on. It was absurd to him to follow someone who couldn't protect you in a fight. Our former lifestyle had left its mark on him as well. "He'd be as bad as a newborn, if you could get him to fight at all."

I shrugged. "He doesn't need to." Carlisle didn't have to prove his strength, or that he was powerful enough to lead us. But that was what life in a coven was, as far as either of us had known. "It isn't really a coven, Peter." I said.

Peter was incredulous. It _looked_ like a coven. "Then what is it?"

"A family." I said. Then I stood, and excused myself. Alice was waiting for me.

Dislclaimer: Twilight, and anything else you recognize here, is not mine.


	42. Chapter 42

I wondered, as I went outside to join Alice, how to go about this. How would I reconcile these two completely different parts of my life? How would my family deal with this? How would Peter and Charlotte, for that matter?

Charlotte was talking to Alice while the rest of the family watched. They were wary, and confused, and a bit betrayed still. Esme was curious. She wanted to join Alice, but was too nervous to bridge the gap.

Alice darted over to me as I stepped off the porch, and Charlotte followed. She gave me a sly look as Alice resisted the urge to inspect the bite on my arm herself.

"Peter's not going to believe this." She taunted. She was quick, she hadn't missed the relationship between Alice and me. She was happy, too.

Alice chuckled. "We might have to convince him, you know." She whispered, though everyone could easily hear us. She changed the subject quickly enough, however. "They'll be out in a minute. Carlisle just has to get Peter's approval." She rolled her eyes, as did Charlotte.

"As if it weren't perfectly obvious they've been good for you." Charlotte added. I shifted uncomfortably, not enjoying this much attention. And it wasn't likely to get better any time soon.

Esme found the courage to join us as the sound of Carlisle inviting Peter to stay for a few days and visit informed us they had left Carlisle's office. She stepped behind Alice as I caught Peter asking about our eyes.

Alice motioned for us to move inside and join them, and I spoke up before Carlisle could answer. "Later, Peter." I said, not entirely certain as to how he would react to that piece of information. "Right now I have some people I'd like to introduce you to."

Rosalie and Emmett stormed off, heading inside. Neither were very happy with me right now.

I introduced Carlisle first, as was fitting. "This is Doctor Carlisle Cullen, our coven leader. Carlisle, this is Peter, and old friend of mine, and his mate, Charlotte."

"Pleased to meet you." Peter said politely, nodding as he had back in the office, pushing away the questions he had for later. I had sensed his curiosity at the title, "Doctor." He would wait to ask his questions until a more appropriate time. Beside him, Charlotte nodded to Carlisle as well.

"Welcome to our home." Carlisle said with a smile, by now his usual calm self. "I apologize for the unfriendly greeting." A bit of an understatement, really, but the gesture was characteristic of Carlisle's gentle nature.

Peter shrugged the apology off. "You were concerned for one of your own. Completely understandable."

Carlisle chuckled softly. "Nonetheless, it was hardly an appropriate way to greet others of our kind."

Peter's eyes flashed; another question he would ask later. I continued introductions. "This is Esme, Carlisle's wife." He would be full of questions by the time we were done.

"Ma'am." He bowed to her, and she smiled in return, charmed.

"It's nice to meet friends of Jasper's." Esme said softly.

"This is Edward." I continued. "The couple who stormed off are Rosalie and her husband, Emmett."

Charlotte was curious as well. "Husband?" She asked. "And she," she looked towards Esme, then Carlisle, "is his wife?"

I nodded in reply. Peter was worried again, probably that Charlotte had offended Carlisle. He needn't have worried, but he caught Charlotte's eye and frowned ever so slightly.

"It's alright." I reassured him.

"They aren't offended." Edward put in.

Peter stared at Edward before turning back to me. "And this is?" He asked, his eyes moving to rest on Alice.

"I'm Alice." She said, and used the same odd introduction she had used with Maria. "Jasper's Alice."

Peter grinned with delight, and Charlotte beamed. "You must be the reason he's so cheerful now." Peter commented, and Edward snorted.

Alice wasn't caught off guard. "You bet." She replied. "He evens smiles now."

"He doesn't still sulk, does he?" Peter asked solemnly. It was odd how easily he interacted Alice, but a relief.

"Peter!" Charlotte scolded.

"It's fine, Charlotte." I said lightly. "I did sulk."

"A lot." Peter added with a soft laugh.

"I'm going to go talk to Rosalie." Alice said to me, slipping inside. Edward followed, muttering something about it getting dark.

Esme turned to Peter and Charlotte. "Will you be staying to visit?" She asked brightly.

"Carlisle asked the same thing." Peter replied. "We wouldn't want to intrude, though."

"You wouldn't be." Esme assured him. "We'd be glad to have you."

Peter looked to me, and I nodded in agreement, though I wondered if this were really a good idea. I wondered if Peter would understand all this any more than Maria had.

Emmett met us at the bottom of the stairs as we came in. "Hi." He said casually, as if he hadn't recently been ready to dismember either of them.

"Hi." Peter replied uncertainly, looking Emmett over, sizing him up.

Emmett grinned. "I'm Emmett. Sorry about earlier. Figured anyone who actually knew Jasper would be out to get him, he being such a difficult guy to get along with and all."

Peter frowned. He didn't realize Emmett was only joking. I spoke up.

"Yeah, well, since I'm so hard to get along with, Emmett, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't kill one of the few people who _will _put up with me."

Emmett shrugged. "I do what I'm told, same as you."

I rolled my eyes and gave Emmett a playful shove, which he returned by jumping me. Peter watched us, concerned, but unwilling to get into another fight.

I tried to reassure him, but Emmett kept distracting me, still sore over the fact that I had won our last wrestling match.

"Don't mind them." Rosalie informed him haughtily, as she and Alice came downstairs. "They're idiots."

Emmett sat up huffily, distracted for a moment. "_Who_ are you calling an idiot? Come on, babe!" I took advantage and knocked him off balance.

"Okay, just him then, honey." Rosalie conceded. Emmett beamed at her from under me.

Alice introduced Rosalie to Peter and Charlotte while Emmett tried to strangle me. "They do that sometimes." Alice reassured them. "They're just goofing off."

"They never grew up." Rosalie commented wickedly, before changing the subject. "So, if you're going to be visiting, we thought we'd show you the house."

"So you can make yourself right at home." Alice chimed in.

I heard Charlotte reply, "That would be nice, thank you," though I couldn't see much, since Emmett was shoving my face into the carpet.

"You go ahead." I heard Peter say. He wanted to ask his questions now.

"All right, Emmett, you win." I growled. "Now let me up."

"Okay." Emmett was off in a second. "The game's on anyway." He excused himself, and Peter glanced at me quizzically.

"The game?" He asked.

"Football game." I replied, knowing it wasn't an actual answer. "We can talk in the dining room."

Peter followed me wordlessly, raising an eyebrow as I pulled out a chair from the table and sat down.

"So," I said as he pulled out a chair of his own, "where do we begin?"

Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine, nor is anything else you may recognize here. As always.


	43. Chapter 43

"You're eyes are brown." Peter said. "Why?"

"Our eye color reflects our diet." I replied. "Dark when we're thirsty, red for human blood."

He was smart. Always had been. "You don't feed on humans." I shook my head. "Animals?" He asked

"Yeah."

He made a face. "Sounds disgusting. Does it work?" He asked, curious.

"It sustains you, but it isn't really satisfying. At all. You still long for human blood." This was something I hadn't really discussed with the rest of the family, but it was easy to admit to Peter. "It is disgusting." I agreed. I still didn't actually like the taste of animal blood, but I was getting used to it.

He laughed at my agreement, but I could tell he wanted some kind of explanation for our diet, so I continued. "Carlisle and the others value human life. They don't like killing humans. Carlisle found another way."

"By killing animals instead." He said skeptically. "I suppose you have your own reasons."

I sighed. "You know what I was like after feeding." He nodded. He remembered the depression, the self-loathing, all of it. "I don't have to deal with that this way. I don't get depressed, I don't feel that guilt, or their emotions. And I guess I like the idea of not killing humans as well." I was silent, then, waiting for his reaction. What would he think of this way of feeding?

He too was quiet, thinking. Finally he shrugged. "Well, to each their own, I suppose." He said easily. "It seems to have made a difference." He noted. Then he chuckled. "Charlotte will be curious about this. She might even insist we try it while we're here." He added with a roll of his eyes.

"No one expects you to." I said softly.

Peter shrugged. "It might make things easier with them, and she might decide she wants to go that way. I don't know."

They were both usually up for new experiences, but I doubted they would take to it. They didn't have the same aversion to killing humans as we did. Still, his easy acceptance of this relieved me.

"So he's a doctor." Peter said after a moment. "A human doctor?"

"Yeah. He considers human life sacred. Does what he can to help." I shook my head. "I don't know how he does it."

"He's your coven leader too."

I nodded. "Yes, technically, though they tend to think of themselves more as a family."

"You mentioned that." Peter was still skeptical. "A family." He repeated.

"Yes, a family. They see Carlisle as the father figure, Esme as the mother. Edward and Emmett as brothers, Alice and Rosalie as sisters."

"Except Emmett and Rosalie, of course." Peter remarked. "If they're married." He found that amusing, but he quickly grew serious again. "So do you think of yourself as part of this 'family'? How did you get here? I just find it a little odd, really. You joining up with a coven and all."

I smiled. "It is a bit odd, I suppose, but the explanation is even stranger."

Peter grinned. "It's the other one, isn't it. Alice?"

I nodded. "She found me, Peter."

Peter frowned, confused by my statement. "What do you mean?"

"She had been waiting for me." I said simply. "I walked into a diner in Philadelphia and there she was. She has visions, Peter, of the future. She saw me, and had come to find me."

"And you went with her?" Peter asked. "Did you even know who she was?"

"I didn't even know her name. But she knew mine, and she loved me. And I-" I broke off, lacking the words to say what I meant. "I wanted to go with her. I wanted to be with her, to never leave her side. It was like her presence had healed me of some deep wound I never knew I had."

Peter eyed me in amazement. "You've got it bad, Jasper." He informed me. Then he smiled. "It's about time. I'm glad for you."

We spent the rest of the evening talking, discussing the people I now lived with, our way of life, and catching up with each other. Charlotte joined us shortly, as did Alice, and slowly the rest of my family joined the conversation. We talked until morning.

Peter and Charlotte found my family interesting, and were curious to learn more about them. They were also eager to spend time with me, as I was with them. It had been some time since we had last seen each other.

Disclaimer: Nothing from the Twilight saga or anything else you recognize from elsewhere belongs to me.


	44. Chapter 44

Peter and Charlotte stayed for a week. They found my family absolutely fascinating. Peter was both intrigued and horrified at the idea of the others going to school with humans, just as he had been both impressed and astonished by the realization that Carlisle did indeed work at a hospital.

"They're going where?" Peter asked, incredulously.

"To school." Esme replied brightly. "It's Monday, you know."

"But we have visitors." Emmett put in as they headed for the car. "People would understand if we missed a day or two because of that."

"Mrs. Stone wouldn't." Alice reminded him firmly. "And you have a book report due." Emmett groaned, and Alice rolled her eyes. "Did you even read the book?"

"Of course I did." Emmett replied. "I just have better uses of my time than giving a report in front of a class full of teenage humans."

Alice snorted, and Edward groaned. I picked up the emotions behind whatever thought Edward had been witness to, and had to agree. "Ugh, do you mind?" Emmett smirked and climbed into the car, Rosalie close behind.

Alice smiled as she climbed into the front seat beside Edward, who was driving. "Bye!" She called as they left.

Peter watched them go, disbelief radiating from him. "They're really going to school?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said. "It helps us stay in one place longer without the humans getting suspicious."

"And Carlisle really went to work at a hospital." He continued.

"Right." I confirmed. Peter just shook his head, not bothering to try to grasp that one.

"You don't seem interested." He noted.

I shrugged. "I don't have the same amount of control as the others." I said. "I'd rather not end up massacring the whole school."

"It's that hard?" He asked, sympathetically.

"It was hard for me anyway." I reminded him. "But it is harder now. The desire is stronger for having gone without it."

Peter shook his head in amazement. "So what do you do while they're gone?" He asked.

"Read, garden." I replied. Peter was amused. "I have a guitar."

"I didn't know you played." Charlotte said, curious.

"I didn't remember until recently." I said.

"You'll have to play something for us." Peter teased.

Peter was probably most surprised by the fact that while Carlisle was looked up to as a leader, none of us had any fear of him. Nor did Carlisle really enforce his position as a leader. While he sometimes acted as a father, most of the time it was more as if he were simply another one of us, which made some sense if you remembered he was only three years older than Emmett and I, at least, physically.

"We're going shopping, Carlisle." Alice announce one evening. "You need new clothes."

Carlisle looked up from his book, confused. "My clothes are fine, Alice. It hasn't been that long since we bought them."

Alice sighed dramatically. "But look at them, Carlisle!" She insisted. "They're old."

Rosalie appeared from upstairs. "Are you going shopping?" She asked. "I want to go."

Alice smiled. "Good. You can help me pick out Carlisle's clothes."

Edward kept his mouth shut, but Emmett joined in on Carlisle's side. "I don't see anything wrong with his clothes."

Alice grinned at him, and he started to worry. "His are as old as yours, Emmett. And frightfully out-dated."

Peter and Charlotte watched in complete bewilderment as Emmett tried to think quickly. "But you already know what size I wear. There's no reason I should have to be there." He pointed out.

I could feel Alice's already good mood lift even more as she considered that. "Really?" She asked him sweetly. I thought about warning him, but decided against any action that would ruin Alice's fun.

"Yeah." Emmett said, looking relieved. Edward hastily threw in his consensus that it was a good idea, then grimaced as he realized what he had done.

She turned back to Carlisle. "Are you coming, or not?"

He looked helplessly at Esme, who was enjoying all of this, then at Edward, who was shaking his head, then at me.

"It depends on whether you want to have any say over your wardrobe ever again." I informed him, and he sighed.

He wasn't really interested in what he wore; he just didn't like clothes shopping. "Go ahead, Alice." He said. "You don't actually need me there."

She shot me a look, then one at Peter and Charlotte, and grinned at Rosalie. "Come on." She said brightly to Rosalie. "Did you want to come, Esme?"

It was hard to understand, I suppose, the way our coven worked. We weren't much like a coven at all. We existed together, and cared about each other. We bickered and argued and disagreed now and again, but for such a large coven, it was amazing how little confrontation there was among us.

And Peter and Charlotte had been warmly welcomed, after the initial confrontation, another thing Peter didn't quite understand. They had free run of the house, and nobody kept a wary eye on them. Nobody judged them over their diet either, as if it weren't an issue. I guessed that someone had asked Rosalie to keep her opinions to herself, or maybe she just felt more confident around them, knowing they wouldn't be staying long.

"Live and let live." Alice replied cheerfully when Peter asked about it. "Just, you know, bear in mind that we're trying to keep up residence around here."

Peter nodded. "If we need to hunt, we will do it elsewhere." He replied easily. He may still have been cautious around the others, but he seemed perfectly comfortable around Alice. But then, she was easy to get along with, easy to be around, once you got used to her gift. Or at least, it seemed that way from what I had seen. I had been comfortable around her from the start.

Disclaimer: Twilight still does not belong to me, but I _am_ watching ebay closely, and as soon as it goes on auction, _it shall be mine!_ Unfortunately, ebay doesn't belong to me either. Yet.


	45. Chapter 45

I eyed Peter uncertainly. "You sure?" I asked. I could sense confusion and annoyance from several of my family members, but I tried to ignore him to focus on Peter. I didn't want him to think he had to do this just because he was visiting.

Charlotte looked at me with wide eyes. "Is it acceptable?" She asked. This was her idea, then. I looked back at Peter, who had shrugged.

"What the woman wants, she gets." He murmured with a grin. "You know how it is."

"You don't mind." He _seemed_ okay, but I didn't want him to feel obligated.

He laughed at me. "_I _think it's weird. I'm also curious. I'll at least watch."

Alice laid a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "It'll be alright, Jazz." She said softly, though those present could still hear. "Peter and Charlotte can go with you and Emmett. I'll hunt with Rosalie and Edward. It'll be fine."

"Listen to the psychic, Jasper, she knows what she's talking about." Peter teased.

"I just-" I didn't bother finishing. He knew.

There had been so many things about our past life that we had simply had no choice in. So many things that we had done simply because that was how Maria did things, and consequently how the coven did things. Carlisle was, whatever else, the leader of this 'coven' or 'family' or whatever else you wanted to call it, and I didn't want Peter, or Charlotte, to feel they had to adapt to his ways while they were here. It wasn't necessary.

He smiled. "It's okay." He said, earning weird looks from Carlisle, and Rosalie, and Esme. "Let's just go."

We went.

It was fun, I had to admit. Running full speed through the darkness with Peter and Charlotte again was great, and having Emmett there as well, boasting that he would take down the biggest animal, only made things better. As we neared our prey, a herd of deer, Peter, Charlotte, and I unconciously fell into an old attack pattern.

I grinned when I realized what was happening. We continued to stalk the herd, wordlessly adapting to their position as well as each other's. It almost made it feel like a game.

It also brought back some not so pleasant memories.

I blocked out a memory of us doing the very same thing, long ago, with human prey rather than animal, and focused on the hunt. On an unspoken signal, we sprang, and attacked, successfully downing our targets. I sank my teeth into a buck, drinking down the warm blood, and noticing, in the back of my mind, how I had almost gotten used to the taste. I drained the animal, and was preparing to start after another, when I remembered my guests.

I looked around to see Peter scowling at me, and Charlotte watching me with reproachful eyes. Then Charlotte made a face, and stuck out her tongue. "How can you do that?" She asked, but I caught the good natured undertone beneath the disgust she felt.

"What?" I asked. "Drink animal blood? We've been through that."

She rolled her eyes. "You looked like you were actually _enjoying_ that."

I shrugged. "I was thirsty. And no, I don't _enjoy_ it. You start to get used to it after a while, apparently."

Peter was disgusted too, but curious. "He does _seem_ okay, Charlotte. It hasn't hurt him."

"It isn't natural." She declared, but just as much in jest as in seriousness. "But you do seem better off, Jasper."

"Usually he'd be freaking out about now," Peter added, speaking to his mate, "if it had been a human." They had seen the meltdowns I had had after attacking humans. How I had been subjected to my prey's last emotions, and how it had affected me. They saw the difference now.

Charlotte nodded. "True. Well, it may be right for you Jasper, but we think we might pass on this one."

I laughed. "If you're sure..."

Peter looked thoughtful, though I felt mischief radiating from him. "Actually, dear, I think maybe, with a little practice-"

"You!" Charlotte managed a look of mock-horror, then jumped on him. They still sparred, then. I felt a stab of regret; I missed being able to spar with them. Wrestling with Emmett was fun, but I always had to be careful to not to revert to the more dangerous sparring I had been used to in Maria's coven. To be able to fully let instinct take over-

Peter, perhaps noticing my shift in mood, indeed he had always been good at noticing a difference, even if he didn't understand it, decided to throw Charlotte off of him and lunge at me.

I move to avoid his attack, and we were soon engaged in a sparring match that had the potential for injury, if either one of us got careless. Not that we ever did. We were too well trained for that, and besides, knew each other well enough that we were familiar with each other's moves. It was more of a dance than a fight, albeit a lethal one.

It went on for several minutes before Charlotte appeared between us, and we both backed off. She said nothing, merely looked over my shoulder. I followed her gaze to see Emmett standing in the spot from which we had sprung upon our prey, staring. His emotions were a mix of awe, jealousy, and worry.

"You guys are starting to scare me." Emmett said. Then he grinned. "I can see Jasper's been holding out on me."

Peter chuckled. "Probably doesn't want to hurt you." Emmett scowled. Of course he took that as an insult.

"Yeah?" He challenged. Peter shot me a look that said _don't worry_.

"Yeah." He replied as he went into action. Faster than Emmett could track, Peter was in front of him, teeth grazing his neck, just light enough not to do him any harm. Charlotte, just as quickly, had cut off Emmett's escape, her teeth less than an inch from the back of his neck.

Emmett stared at me with wild eyes. His fear flooded me as he muttered, "All right, point taken. You guys are tough."

"You think _we're_ tough," Charlotte replied, "you should worry about the one who trained us."

"Who's that?" Emmett asked, curious.

"Jasper." As Peter said it, I humored him, and in less than a second stood with them. I pulled Peter away from Emmett as I moved between him and Charlottte.

I rolled my eyes. "They're just showing off." I informed Emmett.

He relaxed some, now that he no longer had two vampires at his throat, then looked thoughtful. He was excited all of the sudden, eager. I didn't have long to wonder why before he spoke. "So, can you teach me?" He asked.

I groaned. That was _not_ something I was interested in.

Peter was on Emmett's side. "You know, it's not really safe for your family not to know how to defend themselves, Jasper. If something were to happen..."

"If something comes up, _then_ I'll teach them." I said firmly. I had no desire to put myself in that position again.

"If you have time." Peter insisted. "How often do you actually have time in a crisis to learn to fight?"

I didn't bother asking what crisis he thought we might end up in. We both knew things happened. I sighed. "Fine. Sure, I'll teach you, Emmett." As an afterthought I added, "Carlisle and Esme won't like it."

"They don't like it when we wrestle, either." Emmett replied brightly.

"Probably because we keep breaking things." I retorted.

"_You _keep breaking things." He argued, sticking his tongue out at me. Very mature.

"Only because you keep knocking me into stuff." I clarified. The arguement continued as we headed back towards home. Emmett and I each found a few more deer on the way back, but Peter and Charlotte had had enough. They would wait and hunt tomorrow when they left.

I was sad to see them go, but in some ways it was a relief. I would miss them, but I also wouldn't have to worry about explaining to them or various family members differences between our lifestyle and theirs. I would also have more time to spend with Alice. There hadn't been a much of a chance for us to be together, just the two of us. I had missed her.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	46. Chapter 46

The following day Emmett caught me outside and reminded me of my promise. I sighed, but I _had_ agreed to it.

"Alright." I said, leading him outside. He grinned; I could feel his excitement as I began with him as I had with the newborns.

He listened patiently, nodded now and again, and was eager to practice what I had just been explaining. He lunged at me, his attack rather similar to what a newborn's would have been.

_A newborn lunged at me; I dodged him easily and nipped at his throat. It was a warning, and one that usually served well. I didn't bite hard enough to break the skin or leave a scar, but the newborn could feel it, and it would sting, ever so slightly._

_He didn't take it well. Sometimes you got newborns that were unmanageable; this was one of those times. He snarled, and turned again to lunge, fury overtaking him. I hadn't been expecting his rage, it coursed through me and became my own. I growled in reply as he attacked, and in seconds he was dead._

_Fear and confusion pierced me; the others I was supposed to be training watched in silent terror, not daring to move, lest I turn on one of them. They waited, wary._

_Peter dared to place his hand on my shoulder. I whirled around and struck, sinking my teeth into his shoulder. He didn't even flinch._

"_Get a grip, Jasper." He said. "You're losing it. Calm down." He was worried, but otherwise calm; I tried to draw from that. I released him, and offered an apology that he brushed off. _

"_We should get back to training." He said._

I shook my head as Emmett came at me again. I was ready for him and again threw him back. He let out a low growl, frustrated, and lunged again.

_I felt the fire in my arm as the newborn I was supposed to be destroying managed to latch on to my arm. I jerked loose and got a grip on him; he shrieked as I removed his arm and struck again. _

_I was tired, if a vampire could be that; I wasn't as alert as I needed to be. I was having trouble managing all the emotions around me, more than usual, that is. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions separate from those around me. And I needed to feed again, soon._

_The thought made me shudder. To feel such despair, such terror again. I hated it._

_He bit again as I ripped off his other arm, after that he wasn't so hard to deal with. Except I was angry now, furious from this newborn, never mind that I was still somewhat hysterical from the last one._

_I was having more and more trouble controlling the emotions around me._

I started as Emmett slammed into me, and tried desperately to clear my head. I could feel his exultation at having gotten a hit in. I shoved him off, suddenly angry, though I wasn't entirely certain why.

He fell back and I pressed the attack; he turned, dodging me and getting another hit in. I growled; he returned in kind.

_I flew through the window into the abandoned building, barely noticing the shattered glass around me. A vampire followed me in; she was on me in seconds, clawing and biting. __I threw her off as her mate jumped through the window after her._

_He lunged at me, and I dodged. He missed, barely. I started to dart after him, but stumbled as the female managed to sink her teeth into my side. The male was up and ready to help his mate; he lunged and sank his teeth deep into my shoulder. _

_I stifled a scream as I felt as well as heard the crunching as he crushed my shoulder. Madly I struggled; I grabbed the female's long, dark hair with my good arm and jerked it back, hard. She shrieked and let go. The male let loose in order to go for my throat, expecting to finish me off. _

_I let loose a snarl, and leapt forward, shoving him back. I shoved him against the back wall of the house, and went for his throat._

I felt a sudden flash of fear and confusion and froze. I had Emmett pinned against the side of the house, and my teeth were against his throat.

Emmett didn't move, didn't breathe, didn't swallow. I moved back, startled, trying to figure out what had happened. His eyes were wide, worried.

"Jasper?" He managed after a moment.

I shook my head, realizing what had happened. I had reacted to Emmett as if I were still down south, still in Maria's coven. I had nearly killed him.

I wondered if he realized that. He was uncertain, perhaps he was trying to decide if that had been part of the lesson.

I couldn't do this. I didn't _want_ to fight, or even teach others. I didn't want to relive the horror it brought back.

"Sorry, Emmett." I said. "I can't do this."

He decided it was best not to push it. "Sure, whatever you say, man." He said. "See you around." With that he fled inside.

I sighed. Sometimes I did a really good job of messing things up.


	47. Chapter 47

I stayed outside for the rest of the day. It was cowardly of me, I admit, but I didn't want a confrontation with my family. I didn't want to ruin everything, not when things seemed to be going so well.

A part of me wondered how much longer all of this would last. Sooner or later I would end up doing _something_, and it would be over. Eventually they would get tired of me slipping up and killing humans, or of things like today.

All I had to do was show Emmett some tricks. Let him try them out. Instead I ended up nearly murdering him, all because I apparently had a slight grip on reality. I thought I was getting past that. Past the waking nightmares. They had stopped after I had met Alice.

But being here, with the Cullens, brought things back. Brought back memories I had done my best to push away, to hide and forget about. And now and again some aspect of my past would rear its ugly head, like today.

One of these days it was going to be too much, either for them, or for me.

Eventually Alice came out and found me.

"You don't have to worry so much." She said softly. "Emmett's more impressed than anything else, now that he's had some time to calm down."

I sighed. "What's wrong with me, Alice?" I asked. "Every time it seems as if things are going well, as if I'm finally getting used to all this, something else happens."

She sat down beside me on the grass, and leaned against me. "Nothing's wrong with you, Jasper." I scoffed. It was her turn to sigh. "You've been through a lot of bad things." She explained, as if I didn't already know. "That's going to leave its mark on you. But you try anyway, even though it's hard, even though sometimes it terrifies you. And you're doing well. And they aren't going to kick you out of the house just because you scared Emmett."

"One of these days I'm going to cross the line." I told her. "I'm going to mess up one time too many."

"You're making too big a deal out of this, Jasper." She replied, turning to lay her head in my lap. She was beautiful as she stared up at me, her golden eyes bright and happy.

"I nearly _killed_ him, Alice." I reminded her.

"But you didn't. He's still alive." She retorted.

"They aren't going to put up with me nearly attacking members of the family." I insisted, and she giggled. "What?" I asked, a bit confused by her reaction.

"You're part of the family too, you know." She said. "And actually, Esme got on to Emmett for putting you in the situation. She was more upset with him than with you." She smiled up at me. "And anyway, I told them they didn't have to worry, that you would already be berating yourself for it and they didn't really need to say anything about it. I told them you were already planning on being miserable over it for a week or so."

I stared at her, horrified. "You told them that? Alice…"

She laughed. "And Rosalie rolled her eyes and groaned and said 'Not again. Can't you stop him?' And Edward cracked up while Esme tried to figure out how to tell Rosalie not to complain about other people feeling bad." Her expression turned more serious. "Carlisle was trying to figure out whether to talk to you about it, but I think he's afraid you'll take it the wrong way."

I shrugged. "He's the coven leader, he has the right to address the situation." I tried to ignore the fear that clenched in my stomach as I thought about that. I tried to remind myself that Carlisle was nothing like Maria.

But the truth was I'd never seen him take disciplinary action against anyone in the family. I wasn't sure if that was because he didn't, or if the need had simply not arisen since we had joined them. But surely Carlisle wouldn't even dream of some of the punishments Maria had doled out for trespasses against her will.

"It'll be alright, Jasper." Alice said gently. She had told me this at least a hundred times since we had come here, and even more since we had met. She meant everything, in the long run, but also the near future as well.

I leaned down to kiss her nose. I would trust Alice. If she said everything would be alright, then everything would be alright. Alice wouldn't lead me astray.

She noticed as I relaxed and regarded me seriously. "You know, you put way too much faith in me, Jasper." She said lightly, teasing.

I smiled. "I believe we may have had this conversation before." I said mildly. A grin broke out on her face.

"I believe you may be right." She said. "And I stand firm. You think too highly of me." She paused for a moment. "But this time, at least, you're right. You have nothing to worry about."

We stayed out there all night, she in my lap. We didn't speak much, but simply enjoyed being together. It was a simple pleasure, but one I would never tire of.

How could I ever tire of no longer having to be alone?

Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine.


	48. Chapter 48

The sun was rising when Alice finally stirred. "Carlisle wants to talk to you before he leaves for work." She said easily. "Take it easy on him."

_Me_? Take it easy on _him_? I shook my head at my Alice, slightly amused by her wording. She smiled at me and stood. I followed suit.

"He's a little bit nervous." She explained. _He_ was nervous about talking to _me_? I wondered why. I gave her a reassuring smile, and she laughed. "I'll let you two have some privacy." She said, and headed for the house.

Panic tried to flare up again after she left. It was one thing to _know_ that Alice was right, but it was something entirely different to wait for something you had been taught from day one to fear. Maria had trained those in her coven to fear her disapproval, and I had been no exception to that.

Carlisle was surprised to see Alice gone, and me standing there alone. He tried to smile reassuringly, but was himself too nervous for it to actually do any good.

As if I weren't already nervous enough. Not that I would argue with anything he had to say; he was our leader, and if he felt I had done something wrong, I would not oppose him.

I had been careless. Such carelessness would not have been tolerated in Maria's coven. If he felt the need to correct me, well, I really wouldn't disagree. Especially not when things could have gone so wrong.

"Morning," he greeted. Civilized vampires. They had to greet you and talk about the weather before they got down to business.

"Morning," I returned. I was just as uneasy as he was, and of course that was only making things worse. I tried to relax. What would happen would happen.

He hesitated. "About yesterday…"

_Take it easy on him._ I cleared my throat. "About what happened with Emmett, Carlisle." I forced myself to speak. "He saw Peter and Charlotte and I sparring, and he was interested in learning. I agreed to show him some stuff." I paused, and Carlisle waited. "It brought back some memories I'd rather not have relived, and for a second I forgot where I was." I shrugged. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Carlisle regarded me, slightly puzzled. "Emmett's fine, and I know you wouldn't purposely try to hurt anyone here, Jasper." He said. "I just wanted to make sure _you _areokay."

I stared at him. He was worried about me? He wasn't interested in correcting or punishing me, he was worried about how I was reacting to this. Why?

_Because I was part of the family now._ I was still getting used to all this. Sometimes the most elementary thing was absolutely foreign to me.

I let out a sigh of relief, then noticed that Carlisle was only more concerned, waiting for my answer. "I'm fine, Carlisle. Just a little shaken up. I would never purposely hurt anyone here, and to find that I nearly…" I trailed off. "I'm learning to deal with the memories."

He wanted to ask, but didn't. He didn't really understand what I meant.

I told him. "It's easier to remember, knowing it's over." I said. "Things are different now. Better."

He smiled, pleased that I was happy here. I returned the smile.

"You know, I worried when you and Alice first came about whether or not you'd fit in." He admitted.

I shrugged. "Yeah, so did I. I actually spent the first few months waiting for you to kick me out." I confessed.

"I wouldn't have." He replied. "You seemed to be trying so hard. I was just worried you wouldn't be able to _let_ yourself fit in. You didn't seem to believe that we would let you in."

I shrugged again. "Like I said, it's different here. Took some getting used to."

"I'm glad you did." He said softly.

"Me too." I admitted.

Carlisle left for work, and I went to find Alice.

Disclaimer: Twilight still doesn't belong to me. I keep wishing, and hoping, but alas, every morning I wake up and it still isn't mine. Oh well.


	49. Chapter 49

Emmett and Alice caught up with me after Carlisle left. "We're going to the library." She announced brightly.

"Yeah." Emmett grinned and rolled his eyes. "It's really exciting. You know, books…books…and more books." Emmett didn't take much interest in reading, at least not for pleasure.

"I _read_." He insisted. "I read in school. You know, textbooks, homework, so on. So I don't like to read any more than I have to. So sue me."

But he accompanied us to the library, more for everyone's peace of mind than anything else, I was sure. And he managed to at least _look_ interested in being there.

I was fascinated. There were probably more books here than in Carlisle's study. I forgot myself and began wandering the shelves, awed by the variety and multitude of books.

Alice grinned, and found something to sit and read, and Emmett found somewhere to loiter. I lingered, scanning shelves and pulling out books to flip through. I shook my head in wonder; I had been impressed by Carlisle's collection of books, but this was amazing.

"May I help you, son?" I was startled by the somewhat elderly woman who approached me. She was trying to be friendly, trying to be helpful. I felt Emmett's approach.

"Hey." He greeted her with a grin. "Meet the newest additions to the Cullen clan."

"More?" She asked curiously. "Your father decided to take in two more teenagers?"

Emmett chuckled. "Yeah, Esme didn't know what he was thinking, but you know Carlisle."

"So you're showing them the library?" She asked. "There would have to be some reason for you to be here." She laughed, and turned to me. "We don't usually see much of Emmett around here, usually Edward is the one who visits most often."

Alice came to stand by me, sensing that I wasn't quite certain what to do about this human who talked with us so easily.

"Anyway," said Emmett, "Jasper here's more of a bookworm, so Alice and I thought we'd show him around here."

Alice smiled, trying to be friendly. I just watched the human, trying to remind myself that you weren't supposed to bite librarians. I swallowed nervously, and Alice slipped her hand into mine.

"Anyway, he's just looking around today, he probably won't be getting a card yet." Emmett said, trying to get rid of her. She nodded, and wandered off to help someone else I guessed, though there weren't many people here. That was probably one of the reasons they had chosen the library.

Alice whispered encouragement, praising me for not taking a bite out of the old librarian, and watched me for a bit before going back to her book. Emmett too wandered off, and I went back to perusing the shelves.

"You new around here?" I jerked upright, staring at the girl who had spoken. She stood close, closer than she should have even with another human, her face mere inches from mine.

My breath caught automatically, but I had already caught her scent, and my throat was scorching as I swallowed, and tried to back away.

Unaware of the danger she was in, she followed, smiling brightly at me. "I saw you with Emmett Cullen." She noted. "Are you related?"

I lunged forward.

"Hey, Sandra!" I heard Emmett say casually as he intercepted me, jerking me away from the girl. He appeared relaxed, calm, as if there were nothing out of the ordinary about either of our actions. I growled, and tried to pull free, but he just tightened his grip on me. I snarled this time, and sank my teeth into his arm.

To his credit, he merely jerked me around into a headlock, and chuckled at the girl, who was staring at me in shock. "I see you've met Jasper. He's a bit anti-social. Seems to think wrestling is appropriate for the library. He's going to get us thrown out. Hey, Alice!" He called, trying to sound like his normal self, but this time his voice was strained.

Alice was with us in a minute. "Perhaps we should go before you two get in trouble for rough-housing." She said lightly.

Emmett had to drag me out of the library and to the car. He shoved me in the backseat, and Alice followed, catching my hand to remind me she was there.

"Sorry." I said, when my reason returned. I hated this. I had nearly killed some girl for trying to be friendly, and then I had bitten Emmett.

"It happens." Emmett replied shortly. His arm was beginning to burn.

"Here, let me see your arm." I said, but was somewhat surprised when he didn't hesitate to extend his arm to me.

"Don't feel bad, Jasper." Alice said reassuringly. "You'll get it. Besides, Emmett needs bitten once in a while. It's good for him."

I examined the wound darkly, my mood plummeting. Emmett was going to hate me if this kept up. Or he would think _I _had some sort of problem with him.

Alice sighed. "It's alright, Jasper." She said soothingly.

"Yeah," Emmett added, "no worries." He said, but I could see the look in his eye. He was wary now. He didn't seem to hold it against me, but he probably would be hesitant to get within biting distance again anytime soon.

I sighed. As weird as it was, I _liked_ wrestling with Emmett. For whatever reason, maybe because vampires usually don't _wrestle_, it didn't bother me the way sparring seemed to. Still, I _had_ bitten him. He should have been angry. I had gotten off lucky.

Carlisle wouldn't be happy, though, and Rosalie would probably be furious.

Disclaimer: Twilight and all related to it do not belong to me.


	50. Chapter 50

I retreated to my room when we got back, hoping to put off the inevitable. I could feel Alice's disappointment, and Emmett's confusion, but ignored them. I didn't really feel like talking to either of them.

I tried to read, to distract myself, but it wasn't any use. I picked up my guitar, and sat picking at it restlessly, not really playing anything.

I heard Carlisle come home eventually, and listened as he was greeted by the family. He asked Esme how her day was, and they moved into the living room to sit and talk. It was funny how much like humans they behaved.

Eventually Carlisle asked about me, where I was. I was surprised by Alice's simple "Oh, he's in his room, playing his guitar." No mention of why. But she knew best, and had probably already figured out the best way to handle it. Or how Emmett would decide to deal with it.

"So what did you two do today?" He asked, and I held my breath.

"We went to the library." Emmett spoke up. "And the librarian scared Jasper."

"She does tend to appear out of nowhere." Carlisle commented easily. "And he was fine, talking to her?" No accusation in his voice, just curiousity.

"A little tense." Alice replied. "But he did very well." She sounded proud. In spite of what had happened afterwards, she was proud of how I had dealt with the librarian.

"Then we ran into In-Your-Face-Sandra." Emmett continued. This was it. I braced myself.

"Emmett!" Esme scolded him, probably for the use of the nickname.

"I'm serious, Esme," Emmett defended himself, "the girl has no concept of personal space."

"He's right." Rosalie cut in, defending her husband. "She pops up out of nowhere, and talks to you, and the whole time she's inches from your face, just asking you to bite her."

"He didn't, did he?" Carlisle asked, slightly alarmed now.

"Nope." Emmett replied. He didn't offer anymore details. I couldn't believe it. He wasn't going to tell them?

"Tell them what?" I heard Edward mutter, and winced. This was my fault. Perhaps this was why Alice hadn't said anything. She had seen that it would all come out anyway.

"Hmmm?" Alice replied evasively. I wondered how she was keeping Edward out. Personally, I was counting to one hundred in spanish.

"He bit you?" Edward demanded. I heard Emmett sigh, felt his annoyance.

"You know, sometimes that whole mind reader gig is really annoying." He grumbled.

"Did Jasper bite you?" Carlisle asked. I could feel him worrying now, though he gave no outward indication of it.

Emmett sighed again. "It's not a big deal. It wasn't very deep, and he took care of it. Sheesh."

"Emmett-" Rosalie was mad now, but he interrupted her.

"I'm fine." He said. "Sandra popped up in his face, and he was going after her, and I grabbed him. He bit me. End of story."

"Let me see." Of course Carlisle would want to check it out. He wasn't happy, but was somewhat relieved; it was near as bad as when Peter had bitten me. Small mercies, I supposed, but then again, I hadn't been defending my mate.

"See?" Emmett said sulkily. "No big deal."

"Jasper?" I heard Carlisle call, and sighed. I slipped out of my room and went downstairs to join the others.

"Yes, sir?" I was tense. I couldn't help it. Two major foul-ups in less than twenty-four hours, both involving Emmett. To a coven leader it would look suspicious. You didn't just have accidents like that. There had to be something more behind it. From an outsider's view, it probably looked as if I had something against Emmett.

But I didn't. I honestly didn't. I liked all of the Cullens, these vampires I had come to think of as my family. Both incidents had been completely unintentional. I hoped Emmett knew that.

"He knows." Edward confirmed, and instead of being annoyed with him for prying, I was actually relieved.

The others waited for an explanation for Edwards comment, but I merely shrugged. "Was there something you wanted?" I asked Carlisle.

He frowned. _Something _was bothering him. "You don't have to hide, Jasper. We aren't going to punish you for every little mistake. I want you to know that."

"Oh." I said. What was _that_ supposed to mean? I satisfied myself with the knowledge that neither his words nor feelings indicated that he was angry with me for biting his son. "Okay. Thanks." I said, more out of a need to say _something_ with everyone here, than for any other reason.

Alice stood and took my hand, pulling me over to the couch where she had been sitting. "Sit down. Visit." She instructed me.

I sat down beside her, my hand keeping a hold of hers, and tried to figure out what I was supposed to do next. I hadn't really spent much time just _being_ with the family, I wasn't sure what to do.

Esme spoke up, addressing me. "So, what did you think of the library?" She asked kindly.

"Aside from the humans." Rosalie muttered. Esme shot her a look.

I shrugged, not certain what to say. "There were a lot of books." I said awkwardly.

Alice saved me then, her eyes going vacant ever so briefly. She let out an exaggerated groan when her eyes cleared. "Thank you so much, Edward." She said grumpily, and he laughed.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"Edward's going to get him a library card." Alice wailed. "I'll never see Jasper again." She shot me a mischievous glance. "Buried forever behind a mountain of books." She complained.

I snorted, and leaned to whisper in her ear. "As if a book could ever replace _you._" She responded with a knowing glance.

"He'll be the librarian's new favorite." Emmett declared. "Not a bad plan, Edward."

Rosaie rolled her eyes. "Why do you think he tried to get _us_ to spend more time there?" She asked her husband. "To get the creepy librarian to focus on someone else."

It was odd to hear a vampire complain about someone being creepy, but then, a lot of my experiences since joining the Cullen family had seemed strange and unusual. It was different, but a good kind of different, I decided.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me in any way, shape, or form.


	51. Chapter 51

Alice and I had the house to ourselves the following night. Edward, Emmett and Rosalie had gone hunting, and Carlisle and Esme had gone out on a date.

I pondered the idea of two vampires going out dating as I watched Alice work on her homework. They couldn't exactly go out for a nice dinner or anything. They might try a movie. Or go dancing somewhere. I didn't know. The idea struck me as ludicrous, but it also confused me.

Of course, the whole concept of marriage confused me to no end. We were vampires, not humans. I knew Maria had had many lovers among those in my old coven, but that she felt nothing for them. I remembered Peter and Charlotte, who were mated. They loved each other, and would spend the rest of their existences together.

Carlisle and Esme had a bond just as strong. They were happily mated. So were Emmett and Rosalie. So why did they feel the need to indulge in such a human ceremony? Perhaps to keep up appearances.

But that didn't explain why Rosalie and Emmett had had more weddings than Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle and his wife had been together, and alive, longer than the others. Which meant they didn't remarry every time they moved.

Most of their identification papers, I knew, were forged. Which meant that they could simply have papers drawn up saying they were married, just like they had papers drawn up concerning the adoptions of their 'children.'

So why bother? Maybe it still meant something to them. I personally couldn't remember much about my life as a human. I tried to recall how I had felt about marriage.

It had been expected at the time, I recalled. You certainly didn't just live with someone. You fell in love, you got married. Or you grew up, got married and had a family. Love wasn't always involved.

But again, that was a human thing. We were vampires.

But then, most of the Cullens' actions were focused on appearing human, even when there were no humans to convince. They seemed to strive as hard as they could to _be_ human.

Or at least, _not_ to be the vampires they were.

Perhaps that was the key. Perhaps their insistence upon behaving like humans was to hold on to their humanity. To prove they weren't monsters. Wasn't that why they fed the way they did?

Wasn't that why _I_ attempted their lifestyle? Because I didn't want to be a monster?

But that didn't answer the question of marriage.

Alice finished her homework, and put it away. She smiled and came to sit on the bed with me. "Thinking?" She asked sweetly. I shrugged and wrapped my arm around her waist.

She said nothing else, and eventually my mind wandered back to the question.

Was it because of the expectations of society when they were alive? Maybe they married because when they lived, that was the thing to do.

Of course, Peter and Charlotte had lived in times like that. And they found the idea of marriage odd. And what about me? You didn't just live with someone when I had been alive, yet with Alice and myself-

The idea had never occurred to me. Yet I had no doubts that I loved Alice, that she loved me, that I wanted to stay with her forever. I needed no wedding ceremony or ring for that.

I found myself smiling at the thought of placing a ring on her finger. Of her being mine in every way. Of that symbol, on her hand, of the love we had for each other.

Perhaps that was why they had married. Perhaps marriage was a symbol of their love for each other. A way of telling the rest of the world that they loved each other. It was an idea I could understand.

Alice sighed happily, and moved closer. I chuckled, and she looked up to see what I was laughing at. I stared into her eyes, awed once again by her beauty. This perfect creature loved me. Wanted to be with me. Had sought me out.

Seized by impulse, I leaned forward, and her lips met mine. She gasped softly, surprised, then responded to my kiss. I drew her into my lap as our kiss continued, and she wrapped her arms around my neck as our kiss became more intense. She turned around as I leaned back, and I was lying on the bed, with her on top of me.

Neither of us needed to breathe, and for a time we forgot all else as I kissed her, again and again and again, each kiss full of our love and passion. I wrapped my arms around her waist and marveled at the fact that she wanted me.

Right here, right now, everything was perfect. It didn't matter that I could barely control myself around humans, it didn't matter what I had been, what I had done. It didn't matter that I was covered in the scars from over a hundred battles with my own kind. It didn't matter that I had been a murderer or both vampires and humans.

Right now, I had her. I loved her. I held her in my arms, and she was happy there.

I never wanted to let her go.

Disclamer: Twilight blah, blah, blah, does not belong to me blah, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth. You get the picture.


	52. Chapter 52

Carlisle and Esme returned after midnight. She was giggling, and he was whispering words in her ear that I tried not to hear, though to expect a vampire not to hear something said, even whispered, at such a short distance was absurd.

"I actually _like_ watching romance films with you, love." He muttered softly, his words lace with a British accent. "_You_ enjoy them, which makes me happy."

Esme giggled again, and I tried to tune them out. Alice was listening as well, however, so I found no distraction there.

"Besides," he added, a trifle smugly, "I've noticed that there are certain parts in the film where you can't keep your hands off me."

"_Who_ couldn't keep their hands off whom?" She replied lightly. Pure bliss radiated from both of them. And love. It was amazing, how much they loved each other. "_I _was watching the film. _You're_ the one who insisted on trying to slip your hand up my-"

I groaned as their feelings changed; love was no longer the only emotion pulsing through them. I wondered if they realized Alice and I were here, for they had certainly never acted this way around us before. I tried to clear my head; those two were a bit distracting.

Alice rescued me, launching herself off the bed and to the top of the stairs, where she placed a hand to her temple and loudly proclaimed, "Ew! Gross! Dad!" She worked a whine into it, drawing out the words and successfully reminding them that we were here.

They were both sheepish, though I could feel their regret at being interrupted. Alice looked at me, and headed down the stairs. "Jasper and I were just going out." She said innocently. "So we won't be here to bother you. We just wanted a chance to escape before…" She trailed off, and shuddered, though she was actually neither embarrassed nor grossed out at all. She was doing this because I found it uncomfortable, then.

We left, and Alice called back for them to have fun, which caused Esme to giggle again. I broke into a run, eager to escape, and Alice quickly followed.

"Does it bother you?" She asked when we stopped. "For them to make love?"

I shrugged. "Not exactly." I said hesitantly. "I mean, I think it's great that they have each other, that they love each other so much."

"But..." She waited patiently for me to continue.

I sighed. "It's just not something I feel comfortable being around. Like I'm intruding. It isn't right for me to be a witness to it. And frankly," I hesitated for only a second, "it wasn't something people talked about when I was growing up. It wasn't an appropriate topic for conversation."

Alice laughed gently. "I think it's beautiful." She said, and was silent for a moment. "I wonder how the others feel about it." Then she laughed, suddenly mischievous. "So when Edward and Emmett and Rosalie get home, I'll tell them they should be glad they weren't there when Carlisle and Esme got back from the romance movie, and you let me know how they feel."

"Assuming their reactions aren't any indication." I replied. "You know, I could just see Emmett grimacing and proclaiming how disgusting it is."

"Rosalie making faces, Edward gagging…" Alice continued with a chuckle.

Abruptly she stiffened, a vision catching hold of her. I was beside her in a second, holding her in my arms, trying to offer her what comfort I could. Her visions left her blind to the world, vulnerable, and it frightened her, though she never said anything. She liked having her gift, certainly, but hated being so helpless, even for a short time.

"Come on." She said, snapping back to reality. "We need to get home. There's trouble." We began to run back the way we came.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Emmett." She replied. "He slipped up. Killed a human. He panicked, and ran, and Rosalie's freaking out. Edward and Carlisle are going to go look for him. Esme and I will help, too."

"Is there anything-" I began, but Alice shook her head.

"You haven't fed for six days, Jasper. It would be hard for you. The best thing right now is for you to stay home. Someone needs to stay with Rosalie, anyway. She doesn't need to be alone."

"Rosalie doesn't even like me." I reminded her. "She won't want me there."

"You can help her calm down." Alice insisted. "And it will ease everyone else's minds if someone's with her."

"Can you see where Emmett is?" I asked. There was no point in arguing with Alice, not even about Rosalie.

She shook her head. "He keeps moving, keeps changing his min about what he's going to do." I frowned. "Don't worry." Alice reassured me. "We'll find him."

Carlisle and Edward had already left by the time we reached the house. "Come on." Alice said to Esme. "We'll help look."

Esme was hesitant, uncertain. "But Rosalie-"

"Jasper will stay with Rosalie." Esme had a lot of faith in Alice. She nodded.

"Okay. Rosalie's in her room." She said to me. "She's upset, so it's probably best just to leave her be. She tends to lash out when she's worried."

I nodded. "Don't worry, Esme." She and Alice disappeared into the distance, and I turned to go inside.

I hoped they found Emmett soon. I hoped he was alright.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	53. Chapter 53

I hovered in the doorway, uncertain. Esme had said it would be better just to leave her alone, that if I tried to be nice, she'd just lash out at me. And Alice hadn't exactly disagreed. It occurred to me that I probably _should_ leave her alone. Past experiences with Rosalie indicated she did not exactly care for my company.

Still, she was in pain. She was frightened, and angry, and helpless. She had been throwning a fit upstairs in her and Emmett's room when I came in, and while she was now still, quiet, I could still feel the mess of her emotions.

She sat in front of her dresser, eyes on the mirror. She was in the act of trying to brush out her hair, but was to upset to actually focus. I watched nervously, trying to decide whether to intrude or not. We were the only two left in the house; the others had gone to search for Emmett.

She sighed and threw the hairbrush down, then leaned forward to bury her head in her arms. She was shaking, frightened. That made up my mind.

I didn't say anything as I entered her room; it was the first time I had ever done so. I quietly picked up the hair brush and moved to stand behind her. I offered only the slightest of calm to her; my interference with her emotions had never been welcome.

She let me lift her back into a sitting position, and didn't fight me when I started to brush her hair out for her. She sighed, and relaxed slightly as I worked out the few tangles that had gathered in her hair during this mess.

I set the brush aside and began braiding her hair; I started at the front, twisting her hair into a French braid. "It's going to be alright." I reassured her softly.

She remained almost still as she sighed. "Why would he leave?"

"Maybe he panicked." I suggested. "It's hard to think straight when you mess up like that."

"What if he doesn't come back?" She asked. For someone who always seemed so self-confident, she was very worried about this. The thought of Emmett leaving her was ridiculous, though it would do me no good to point out the same.

"The others are looking for him." I reminded her.

"What if they don't find him?" She demanded. She wasn't thinking straight either, I realized.

"Why wouldn't they?" I asked. Her only response was to choke back a sob. I finished the braid and tied it in place, then turned her around to face me. She was completely distraught, worried for her husband. I offered a smile, trying to reassure her. "Come on." I said, offering her a hand.

She frowned at me. "Where are we going?" She asked tremulously.

"To look for him." I replied. "We'll find him. I promise." I had no doubt that I could do so. Whether I could maintain control around the human he had lost control and attacked was another story.

She hesitated, then took my hand. "Okay." She said. I led her from her room, and down the hall. As we reached the stairs, she wavered again. "We're supposed to stay here." She murmured.

"No one _said_ that." I pointed out, though I knew there would probably be trouble over this later. I found I didn't really care. They could be angry with me if they wanted. _They_ weren't here, _they_ didn't have to deal with this.

"They expect-" I cut her off. She _wanted_ to go. She _wanted_ to find her husband.

"But they didn't tell us to stay here. We aren't doing anything wrong."

"Okay." She said again, too desperate to really care. She followed me out of the house, and we took off running, following Emmett's scent.

We found the scene of the accident; the others had already been here and gone. I ignored the crowd that had gathered, and the people that noticed us and connected us to Emmett. I could feel the fear and suspicion from those who had found the body. We would definitely have to move again, I noted.

Aside from the humans, only the scents of Carlisle and the others and the smell of human blood remained. It was stale, dry; this had happened several hours ago. That meant Emmett had a head start on us.

We followed his trail as he fled straight through the city; the only reasoning I could come up with for his path was it lay in the opposite direction of home. His scent was somewhat masked by the smell of humans; I tried to ignore them and focused on not losing Emmett.

Rosalie followed in tense silence; I think she was regretting her decision to go with me by now. She tensed every time I passed by a human, perhaps waiting for me to lose control and attack. She alone would not be enough to stop me should I try to kill someone.

I brushed that thought aside and focused on the hunt. I pushed the burn that the smell of humans caused to the back of my mind. I needed to find Emmett. Rosalie needed to find him.

Away from the crowds we could speed up again, and we ran as fast as we could, following the trail that by now was as clear as day.

Rosalie had fallen slightly behind when I stopped in a small cluster of trees. "Emmett!" I called. He was here; I could sense his panic, his confusion, his shame. "Emmett!"

"Go away!" He snarled at me.

"I can't do that." I replied softly. "We came to find you. Bring you home."

He must have smelled her coming. "Rosalie? She's here?" He asked, and if anything, he grew more upset.

Rosalie came to stand beside me. "Emmett?" She called. "Where are you?"

He was silent. Rosalie looked to me for reassurance, and I nodded. He was here.

"Emmett, I want you to come home." She said. "Please."

"Baby, I-" She didn't let him finish.

"I know." She said. "Come home anyway. I need you."

He hesitated for a second or two longer, then jumped down from his tree. His eyes were bright red as he stood before her. "I'm sorry." He said. "I don't know what came over me. I just- she smelled- I couldn't think about anything else."

"It's okay." She told him. "Come on, we'll go home, the others will understand. Come on."

I hung back as she wrapped an arm around him and led him towards home; they didn't need me to intrude. She was fine now that she had found him, and he would be.

Now that I had found Emmett, the burn in my throat was almost all I could think about. I took the long way home, making sure to avoid all humans, and found a deer on the way to help lessen my thirst. It wasn't much, but it did help some.

Everyone else had made it home by the time I arrived.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	54. Chapter 54

Alice rolled her eyes at me as I walked through the door, but she wasn't angry. She was actually-

Proud. And happy. Very happy. A little bit irritated as well, and worried, but she wasn't upset with me. It was a lot to process at once. I nearly took a step back as I drank in her emotions. I would have to ask why she seemed so pleased later.

Carlisle and Esme were uncertain, worried. I could feel their relief as they noted my arrival, and fought back a flash of annoyance as their eyes flickered involuntarily to check mine, and their relief increased. They had realized I hadn't gone berserk on any nearby humans, I guessed.

But then, it wasn't as if I were the picture of restraint when it came to that, I reminded myself sternly. They had every reason to be worried.

Edward was angry, but I wasn't entirely certain why. He stifled a growl; he must have heard that. He sighed, exasperated.

"I did." He retorted. "And I'll tell you why I'm upset. You went running around town with a distraught vampire who probably couldn't stop you on a _good _day if you decided to go after a human. We could have had two deaths instead of one, causing an even bigger mess than the one we currently have to deal with. It was irresponsible, Jasper. Did you even stop to think-"

I cut him off right there. Did he seriously think I hadn't taken into consideration the fact that I hadn't fed recently? Or the fact that I had a harder time refraining from killing humans that the others? Or that I could easily have made things worse instead of helping?

I wasn't some newborn, to not consider the possible repercussions of my actions. True, I hadn't dwelt on any of it for very long, but if I had felt that I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't have gone.

Rosalie would've gone crazy just sitting here waiting, anyway. And they would still have been looking for Emmett.

"I'm not some _child_ that you have to follow around and keep out of danger, Edward." I tried, unsuccessfully, to keep the anger out of my voice. "You seem to forget that I _did_ survive in this world before we came here and joined the family."

Alice sighed, and Carlisle took advantage of the pause in conversation her reaction had caused. "It's been a rough day, and everyone is pretty stressed out right now. Now I don't know that you two going off to look for Emmett by yourselves was the best of ideas, Jasper, but it isn't really your place to correct him for that, Edward. Right now, we need to focus on our biggest problem, which is that the people here definitely know that we were involved. So right now, we need to be ready to move. Quickly."

Edward agreed reluctantly. I had a feeling this wasn't over, but I shrugged and let it drop. For now. I was pretty sure Edward would insist on continuing this later, probably when Carlisle wasn't around.

Alice's irritated pout as we packed what little we were taking with us only served to confirm my suspicions, especially when she looked at me and sighed. "He means well, Jasper. He really does. He thinks he's doing the right thing."

I shrugged, trying to make light of it. "So I shouldn't rip his arm off or anything, is that what you're saying?"

Alice snorted. "_You've_ been spending too much time with Emmett."

I tried to look apologetic. "I can't help it, Alice. All those violent emotions. They just spill over, and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

She shook her head despairingly. "What am I going to do with you?" She teased. I smiled.

"By the way." I said, remembering. "You seemed rather pleased over something when I first showed up. What was that all about?"

She just stopped and stared at me. "Seriously?" She asked. I could feel her disbelief, but wasn't sure of the cause. I nodded, and she laughed. "You mean you don't realize that you went out into a town full of humans, putting yourself through all that pain and stress, and even forcing yourself to ignore it, in order to help a vampire who until recently proclaimed loudly that she didn't want you here and that you wouldn't ever actually fit in?"

I frowned at her. "Well, I knew Rosalie didn't exactly care for me." I admitted. "But still. She was hurting. She's family. Of course I was going to help if I could."

Again she shook her head. "I'm just proud of you, is all." She said. "You did really well today. It's a big step forward."

I couldn't help but grin. It was funny how good it made me feel to hear her say that. It also felt good to realize that I _had_ managed today without killing anyone.

We packed quickly, and were ready to go in a couple of hours. I stifled a groan as Edward climbed into the car with Alice and Esme. I was going to be stuck with him. I really didn't want to hear about how stupid he thought I was being.

Alice smiled and waved. I was startled as someone grabbed me by the sleeve of my shirt and spun me around. "Emmett wants you with us." Rosalie said, her expression less than enthusiastic. She was pleased with herself, though, for some reason.

Edward opened his mouth to say something, And Rosalie snapped at him. "Lay off, Edward." She practically shoved me, not that I was resisting, into the front passenger seat before climbing into the back with Emmett.

She shrugged at Carlisle's questioning glance. "I thought maybe he might be useful. You know, to keep people calm and stuff."

Emmett rolled his eyes. He was fine now, it seemed. He was a little embarrassed, and certainly unhappy with what he had done, but he was no longer panicky or sunk into a deep pool of self-loathing.

Carlisle didn't argue. He started the car, and we were on our way to wherever we were headed next. We drove in silence for about an hour before Emmett straightened up.

"So are you going to make him go to school now?" He demanded. "I think he should have to suffer with the rest of us."

I didn't agree, but Carlisle looked thoughtful. "You certainly seemed in control of yourself, Jasper." He said, and I was surprised to find that he was proud of me as well. I was even more surprised to find it actually meant something to me.

Still, I hesitated. "I don't know. That was only for a little bit, and I had something else to focus on. I don't know if I could keep it up." I would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my existence without setting foot in a school, or any building full of humans, for that matter."

Rosalie perked up, excited. She turned to Emmett. "Hey, do you remember those Johnson twins a while back?"

"The cousins?" Emmett asked, trying to recall. "The ones where the one was in public school with us, and the other had been in some accident or something, and was only just starting to be able to go back to school again?"

"Yeah, them." Rosalie replied triumphantly.

Emmett stared at her, clueless as to what she was talking about. So was I, for that matter, and I was pretty sure Carlisle had no idea where this was leading either.

Rosalie sighed. "So the one had been out for years, and was having trouble acclimating to it all. So they kind of eased her in."

Understanding dawned on Emmett's face. "Oh yeah! And she followed her brother around. She went for about an hour or so a day until she got used to it, and gradually worked back up to where she was going full time. I remember that."

"She still had to do all the homework and stuff, but her mom used to be a teacher or something, so she had been doing it at home since the accident anyway."

I looked over at Carlisle to see if he was getting any more out of this than I was. I was reassured; he wasn't quite following their line of reasoning either.

Emmett grinned. "So maybe you could work something like that out with Jasper!" He exclaimed. "So he can hang out, get used to being around humans, follow us around while he's doing, that way there's always someone around just in case. And if he needs to leave, it won't be a problem!" He and Rosalie were getting way too excited about this. I calmed them down just enough that they wouldn't notice, but was a little less wearing on my nerves.

Carlisle's confused expression cleared. He liked the idea. Worse, he actually seemed enthusiastic as well. I didn't bother arguing. I didn't have to be Alice to realize that it would be quite a disappointment to all of them if we didn't give it a try. I needed to do _something_ to work on being around humans more anyway.

Rosalie turned to me smugly. "There's no way you can be a Cullen, though." She declared.

"What?" I asked, alarmed. What was she even talking about? What else would I be?

She tossed her hair, putting on a show of irritation. "Well, it's not like you look like any of them. And anyway, someone catches you and Alice together, it won't take much for them to figure something's going on between you two, and that would just be awkward."

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond. So I said nothing, and Rosalie let out an exaggerated sigh.

"You'll have to be a Hale." She said slowly, clearly, as if I were having trouble understanding, which was. "You're tall, blonde, and once you get past the scars," I shifted uncomfortably, "you really aren't bad looking. And then you can hang out with Alice, since we won't be 'related'. "You'll still get weird looks, though.

"We would probably have to be twins though." She continued, eyeing me skeptically. "I don't think we could pass you off as being Alice and Edward's age. But I get to be the older twin."

"Technically," I pointed out, "I'm older."

"I'm physically older." I don't know why it bothered me, but it did. It shouldn't have, not after Rosalie had actually offered to share her name with me. Maybe it was stress. Being in a stressful environment, especially with several stressed out people, for extended periods of time tended to make me irritable. And it didn't really help that I had started to notice exactly how much my throat was burning again.

"I've been alive longer."

"You aren't technically alive." Rosalie retorted.

"Well, I'm not _dead_." I snapped.

"Actually, I was alive longer anyway." She noted smugly.

"Fine. I've existed longer."

"I've been doing this whole school thing longer. You've never done this before. It makes sense for me to be the older sibling."

Was I really getting aggravated over this? I should just let it go. It wasn't really a big deal. Except she sound so superior when she insisted that she should be the older sibling."

Emmett was staring at both of us like we were insane. "Are you serious? You're going to be _twins_, aren't you?"

Rosalie turned to roll her eyes at Emmett. "But someone had to be born first."

"Technically," I cut in, "I actually _was_ born first." Rosalie glared at me, and Emmett shook his head in amazement.

"It's only a couple of minutes! Sheesh!" He complained.

"I know more about school." Rosalie argued. "You don't know anything. The last time you were in school was probably back in the time of the one room schoolhouse."

I scowled at her. _That_ made me angry. "I didn't actually go to school as a human." I snapped. "We learned to read and write at home."

"Then I should _definitely _be the older sibling. You've never done any of this before." Rosalie growled.

"Enough." Said Carlisle wearily. "Rosalie _is_ more familiar with the way schools work. Since it's obviously an issue, she'll be the older sibling. For now."

Rosalie sat back, pleased with herself. I rolled my eyes and went to staring out the window, aggravated at her and myself and the burn in my throat that was becoming increasingly more noticeable.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	55. Chapter 55

We were shopping for school supplies. School supplies included paper, pencils, notebooks, a large number of other odd things, and of course, clothes. Alice insisted we couldn't go to school in_ old_ clothes. So here we were, school shopping.

At least, Edward and Rosalie and Esme were shopping. Alice was leaning against me, her arms wrapped around mine, while Carlisle walked on my other side, letting me draw from the imperturbable calm he always seemed to feel, and Emmett lurked not too far away, just in case I lost control.

And I was trying to focus, trying to remember what I was doing here in the first place.

For one thing, even though I had hunted the night before, the swarm of bodies in the building was distracting, to say the least. It didn't matter that it was a large building, or that by most standards it wasn't even very crowded. I could track almost every human in the enclosed area by their warmth and their scent and their emotions.

The building was full of humans; laughing, playing, sweating, breathing. I could smell them; Their scents were overpowering. I think the only thing keeping me from actually lunging at one was the number of them; it kept me slightly confused and off focus.

And their emotions were driving me insane. Dealing with your own feelings is difficult enough for most people. Dealing with the emotions of my family members had been difficult. I had only recently reached the point where I could distinguish their emotions from mine with little difficulty; and that only worked as long as none of the emotions were particularly strong. But this-

I was being hit with so many emotions that I couldn't think straight. Happiness, anger, sadness, embarrassment, fear, excitement; Part of me wanted to slaughter the humans here just to get them to shut up. It was simply too much for me to process at once, and simply calming them all down to a level I could be comfortable with wasn't an option, even if I would have been able to focus enough to put forth the effort necessary to do it.

Edward shot a concerned glance my way as I rubbed my forehead again, trying to relieve some of the tension. I managed a tense smile, and he sighed. I pushed away the sympathy he felt for me. I didn't need or want it right now.

I stumbled as a couple got into a fight an aisle over. My fists clenched, and I tried to remind myself that _I_ wasn't the one angry. He was yelling, and she was shouting back, and they were both getting more upset by the second.

I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I could feel Alice beside me; I tried to draw in her emotions, but she was upset now, worried. It was only making things worse. I slowly removed my arm from her grip, and opened my eyes to look for Carlisle.

He stood uncertain, waiting for some sign as to what to do. I reached out my hand, and lay it on his arm. Physical contact tended to amplify my gift, or at least, make it easier for me to focus on the emotions of whoever I was touching.

I found that calm, a calm I wasn't even sure he was entirely aware of, and pulled it in. I needed to calm down, and I needed to do it now. Carlisle stayed still, slightly confused, but perhaps he realized he was somehow helping me, because he waited patiently for me to make the next move.

As I calmed down, Alice did too, and I moved to rejoin her. I let go of Carlisle, though I still kept my focus on that thread of calm coming from him. He watched me curiously, and I smiled at him. "Thanks." I said.

He nodded, though he wasn't sure what I was thanking him for.

Alice started picking out clothing for people; I stood beside Carlisle, as close as I could without reverting back to my previous behavior. It wasn't in me to look for help from others, too much time with Maria had erased that. It was amazing how much I found myself trusting those in my family.

But I seemed to at least be capable of thinking beyond reminding myself that losing it in a store was a bad idea, though I was still rather distracted. At least I was succeeding in focusing on something for more than a couple of seconds now.

I heard glass shatter; someone had dropped something. I turned my head and saw the girl react. She let out a shout, and bent down to try to pick up the pieces of whatever it was. I saw her jerk her hand back as she cut herself on the shards of glass.

I smelled the blood; I lunged. Nothing else mattered. She wasn't even looking my way; she would never know what had hit her.

Something stopped me. Something grabbed my arms, pulled me back. Someone was trying to keep me from my prey. Whether they wanted her for themselves or simply did not want me to have her was of no importance. I would fight for her if I had to.

He jerked me around and was calling my name. He was now between me and the girl. I spun around, and lunged towards him. He wasn't a threat. It wouldn't take much to warn him off; I wouldn't need to maim or kill him. All it would take would be one bite-

I heard him cry out, felt him struggle not to let go of me, though he had no intention of hurting me. I heard Alice call my name, felt the others ready to react, heard Esme call his.

"Carlisle!"

I let go of him, and backed up. I forced myself to stay still, though all my instincts were telling me to run. I was in trouble now. To attack the leader of my coven-

I was in so much trouble.

I couldn't bring myself to look at the man. I stared at the floor instead. This was it, then. This was the final straw. There was no way I would get away with this, no way they could allow this to slide. I swallowed nervously, and took a deep breath.

The least I could do was to face him, to accept whatever he decided was an appropriate response for my actions. I braced myself, and raised my eyes to meet his.

He was in pain, certainly, though that was only secondary in his mind. He was more worried about me. "Are you all right, Jasper?" He asked softly, the strain in his voice where the venom was starting to burn barely audible.

I nodded, mutely. How could I have attacked Carlisle? The man had been nothing but supportive and understanding since I had joined his family. He had accepted us with no knowledge of who we were, and had forgiven more mistakes than I deserved.

More than that, this was a man who did not believe in violence. He had never messed up during his existence as a vampire. He was a kind, compassionate, gentle soul.

And I had bitten him. And he hadn't even fought me off, hadn't tried to defend himself. And he had held on, to make sure I was in control of myself, ignoring the pain I had inflicted on him.

My eyes fell back to the floor. I didn't deserve to stay; I didn't deserve the forgiveness he was even now extending to me without the slightest hesitation.

"Jasper." I still didn't look up. He closed the distance, and pulled me into a hug. "It's okay." He whispered, and I didn't fight him. I was tired of fighting; tired of being the soldier, of instinctively viewing everything as a potential threat. And somewhere, the realization dawned. I could trust Carlisle. If he said it was okay-

Then it was okay.

I sighed, and rested my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry." I apologized.

"I know. It's okay." He reassured me.

I straightened up, and nodded hesitantly. "Thanks, by the way." I said.

He nodded, but he was growing more tense. The pain of my bite was starting to get worse.

Edward spoke up. "Why don't you guys wait for us in the car?" He suggested. "You can _talk_ there." I nodded, and we quickly left the store and retreated to the car.

I examined the bite; I had sank my teeth into his upper arm. It wasn't bad, I hadn't really been expecting him to hold on, and so had exerted little force or venom into his right arm. The wound itself was clean; it wasn't very deep, nor as jagged as most of the bites I had received during my existence.

I drew the venom out before it could spread, and we sat there waiting for the others to finish shopping.

After a few minutes, I broke the silence. "You really think I'm ready to go to school? After _that_? I nearly killed that girl."

Carlisle sighed. "I think it will be a struggle for you, Jasper. It certainly was for the others. Even Alice had some trouble getting used to spending eight hours a day in a room full of humans. But I also think the only way you're going to get any better at it is to do it."

That didn't make me feel any better. "But what if I attack someone at the school? What then?"

"One of the others will be with you, hopefully to prevent that from happening, should such a situation arise." Carlisle reminded me. I scowled at him.

"Then I can bite one of them when they get in my way." I snapped. "That's a much better alternative."

"Perhaps that is something else you need to work on." Carlisle admitted. "You seem to have the mindset that biting is the best way to deal with those who oppose you. It seems almost like you see anyone who gets too close to you as an enemy."

I shrank back in my seat, and took to staring out the window. "It's not that." I insisted flatly. "It's just that-" I hesitated. "It's just that I've spent so many years living with the rule that to let someone get too close is dangerous. You stepped between me and that girl, and you had no intention of hurting me. You grabbed my arms to restrain me. I know that. I know you wouldn't hurt me.

"But it's one thing to know that now, and something completely different to remember it when the only thing that's going through my mind is that she's prey, and someone's trying to keep me from it." I sighed. "I mean, I was a soldier, Carlisle. I spent most of my existence as a vampire fighting for my life. You let another vampire close enough to get a hold on you, and you died. Or had your arm ripped off. Or were bitten. It's more instinctive than anything else, I guess. It's one of the reasons I survived."

"Well, you're safe here, Jasper. You don't have to worry about any of us hurting you." Carlisle said.

"I know." I replied. "And I _am_ learning it. I guess I just need some time."

"Time can fix a lot of problems." Carlisle agreed. We sat in silence again, though it was comfortable this time.

I saw as Alice and the others came out of the store. "They're done." I said, smiling. Carlisle grinned, and started to get out so he could help load the cars. "Hey Carlisle," I said, and he stopped, waiting.

"Yes?"

"I don't know if I ever thanked you for letting us be a part of your family." I said. "But I want you to know, I am grateful."

Carlisle smiled, and leaned back in to lay a hand on my arm. "We're glad you decided to join us. Both of you, son." He said, his eyes sparkling.

It didn't take long for us to get the cars loaded and head out to our new home.

Author's note: I want to thank those of you who have read and reviewed, and those who continue both to read and review new chapters. It's great to know people are enjoying my work, and to find that it's good enough that people come back for more. So thanks!

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	56. Chapter 56

"Ready?" Alice asked as she straightened my collar.

I looked into her beautiful eyes. "Not really." I replied. "But I doubt I'll ever be."

"You'll be fine." She reassured me. Then she stood up on tiptoe to kiss me. "It's just one class with Edward, remember?"

I frowned. "I'd much rather it were with you." I murmured, pulling her close.

"I know." She said. "But we talked about it, and it was decided that Edward would be best. He can monitor everything in the room and be ready, just in case something happens." She smiled up at me. "Not that I think you need to worry so much about it."

"I'm sure you're just going along with it to make _me_ feel better." I replied.

She laughed. "You and everyone else." She admitted. "Now come on. The others are waiting."

We joined the others; Edward was driving. It _was_ kind of nice not to have to say goodbye and watch Alice drive off without me, I had to admit. We sat together, my arm around her, Alice telling me what to expect on my first day.

It didn't take long for us to reach the school.

The second I stepped out of the car I was overwhelmed by it all. The scent was everywhere. The store we had gone to, that had been nothing. There were bodies everywhere. My throat was instantly on fire, and I could think of nothing else but the smell. It was so strong I could practically taste it. I swallowed, and blinked, and stiffened.

And someone shoved me back into the car. "You guys go ahead." I heard Edward say as he slid back in beside me and closed the door. "He's fine. He just needs a minute." He reassured Alice with a smile. Then he turned his attention on me.

"Get a grip, Jasper." He muttered, too low for the others to hear. I shook my head, and exhaled, trying to rid myself of the scent.

"Sorry." I managed, my voice hoarse. Edward shrugged, sympathetic.

"It's hard, at the beginning." He said easily. Then he frowned. "Actually, it's always hard. You just get more used to it as time goes by."

I nodded, staring out the window at all the children passing us by. Why was I doing this? Why was this necessary? What was the point?

I sighed. We'd been through this before. I had to do it.

"Ready?" Edward asked. I nodded. I was as ready as I would ever be. He gave me a grim smile. "It helps not to breathe much, at first."

I nodded. "Thanks." I held my breath as we got out of the car and reluctantly followed Edward across the parking lot and towards the school. It was unsettling how people stopped what they were doing to watch us pass by. It made me nervous, and I wondered if this were normal behavior for them.

Edward smirked. "It is." He muttered under his breath. "They can't get over how attractive or strange we are. And you just happen to be new. You'll probably get a lot of attention for a while." I groaned. That was the last thing I wanted.

If I had thought the parking lot was bad, inside was even worse. Poor ventilation and close quarters made it sheer torture to remember why I was here. Or at least, why I was not here.

I was not here to kill, or bite, or maim anyone, I reminded myself sternly as I felt the near blazing heat of a human brushed against me in the hall. I didn't even have to smell them for my throat to burn. I could feel the heat from their bodies, I could hear their heartbeats. I could sense the emotions of some few hundred people, and it was already giving me a headache.

I didn't notice until he elbowed me that Edward was introducing me to the principal. I started, and tried to focus on what she was saying.

"Well, we are certainly glad to have you here…" I ground my teeth together and tried not to zero in on her heartbeat. Or her throat. She was standing close to us, too close. It wouldn't take much and-

Edward elbowed me again, and I jumped, looking from him to the principal, who was watching me, her expression worried.

Edward cleared his throat. "Principal Acres was asking what you thought of the school so far." He was worried too. And he should be. I would have to breathe if I wanted to answer. To stall for time, he turned to the principal. "He still tends to zone out now and again." He tried to explain my behavior earlier. "He's getting better at it, though."

She nodded, uncertainly. I realized she was still waiting for me to answer her. She was sizing me up, I realized. Trying to figure me out. She was determined to talk to me.

I swallowed nervously and took a breath. I couldn't remember what I was doing as the smells in the hallway assailed me. The only thing I was aware of, as I fought to retain my composure, was a desperate flicker of thought in the back of my mind.

I did not want to kill these humans. I forced myself to repeat the thought over and over again.

I shook my head to clear it, now aware of the alarm and tension radiating from Edward. He had moved closer to me, subconsciously, and was waiting for me to act.

I forced a smile. "I haven't seen much of it yet, ma'am." I winced at how pronounced my accent was compared to either hers or Edwards's. "But I guess the parking lot's pretty nice, and the front hall here."

She laughed, amused, though she was wary, still worried. "Well, I guess I'll have to wait until you've seen more of it before I can get anything more, won't I?" She was good at hiding her worry, or would have been, had she not been being watched carefully by two vampires, one of which could read minds, and the other, emotions. "I've kept you long enough. Have a nice day, boys." She said finally, and Edward grabbed me by the arm and steered me away from her and down the hall.

He was tense, and nervous as we ducked into a room. "Good job." He said tersely. I wasn't sure what to make of him. He was uptight as he held my arm, but not angry, and the bathroom was mercifully empty of people. I could think, at least, though those outside of the room were still somewhat distracting.

He still had a hold on my arm, I realized. He caught that thought, I guess, or maybe his gaze followed mine, and he nearly flinched.

I frowned at him. "Are _you_ okay?" I asked, cautiously moving my arm out of his grip. He relaxed some as pulled away.

"Me?" He asked. "Of course." He lied. He was embarrassed now, and feeling somewhat guilty. I rolled my eyes.

"What?" I asked, and he shrugged uncomfortably, refusing to meet my eyes. I waited, and finally he sighed.

"Sorry. I just wasn't looking forward to restraining you if you decided to go for her." He said awkwardly, and I realized what the problem was.

"You thought I was going to bite you." I said, and he grimaced. I shrugged. "It's okay. I may very well end up doing just that before the day's through. I hope I don't. I'll try not to." It was odd the things I _didn't_ find upsetting, but maybe that was my training coming back to haunt me. It was expected once that anyone who tried to touch me would get bitten, with the exception of Maria. Maybe I _shouldn't_ have been okay with this, then.

I didn't want him to be afraid of me, though. And he was, on some level. And it was odd to realize that I didn't want any of my family to fear me.

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'm not scared of you." He informed me. "Any more than I am of Emmett. Or Rosalie. That doesn't mean I want to face the consequences of angering them. Come on, we're going to be late."

I followed him out of the bathroom and down the hall. We managed to reach the classroom and find a seat before the bell rang.

And for the next forty-five minutes I was trapped in a room with one adult, twenty-nine children, and one other vampire, with all doors and windows closed tight.

I stifled a groan and reminded myself of one simple fact:

_I did not want to kill these humans._

_I do not want to kill these humans. I do not want to kill these humans. I do not want to kill these humans. I do not want to kill these humans. I do not want to kill these humans. I do not want to kill these humans._

I repeated the thought over and over and over in my mind. It was starting to grate on Edward's nerves, but I couldn't help it. The girl in front of me-

_I do not want to kill these humans._

Edward was explaining to the teacher who I was. The man took a brief look at me as I sat, every muscle tense, fists clenched, and went on with the lesson. He had cut himself shaving this morning, I could see the spot of dried blood on his collar-

_I do not want to kill these humans._

Edward was called to the board to work some problem out. He frowned, and glanced at me, then went to the front of the room. As he did the girl behind me leaned forward to whisper in my ear. All I would have to do was turn-

_I do not want to kill these humans._

I swallowed nervously and nodded in reply as she tried to welcome me to the school, hoping Edward would finish, or she would shut up, or the teacher would notice her talking.

Two rows back two more girls were whispering about her, wondering what she was saying, and if I was talking back to her. One wondered if she had given up on throwing herself at Edward and was switching targets.

She heard them too, and blushed. She leaned back in her seat, fumbling for her papers. I winced as her pencil hit the floor and rolled to rest against my boot.

I froze, and closed my eyes as she squeaked, and blushed even redder. I slowly bent down and retrieved her pencil, then turned and placed it on her desk.

Her face was now inches from mine. "Thank you." She whispered, eyes on her book. She was embarrassed, humiliated.

"No problem." I found myself saying. She blinked, and looked up at me, our eyes meeting. Her heart was racing wildly now, her pulse-

_I do not want to kill these humans._

I forced myself to turn back around. Edward had managed to escape by now and was headed back to his seat. I glared at him, and he shrugged an apology.

_What if I had lost it there? _I thought angrily. _What could you have done? Nothing._ I wasn't being fair, I knew, to resent him watching over me and then get angry when situations beyond his control separated us, but this was wearing me out. I felt drained, exhausted. I wished I _could_ go home and sleep for a week.

After what seemed like an eternity of torture, we were finally released, and Edward escorted me back outside where Carlisle was waiting to take me home. I slipped gratefully into the front seat and let my head fall forward to rest on my knees. I didn't care _what_ Edward was telling Carlisle outside, quickly and quietly enough that all I could catch was that it was about me.

I never wanted to do this again.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to update. I got busy and didn't have time to write much. Hopefully, I'll be better about it, but since I did start back to school this week, I may not update as often as you guys may be used to. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	57. Chapter 57

Carlisle rejoined me in the car. "Edward says you did well, today." I think it was meant to be encouraging, but I was still feeling rather stressed out.

"Yeah," I retorted, "I only nearly killed the principal and one fellow student on my first day. That's just swell."

"I'm sorry." He said. "I know it's difficult."

A small laugh escaped me. "How do you do it?" I asked.

Carlisle blinked. I had caught him by surprise. "Do what?" He asked.

"Work with them. Work in a hospital. Full of dying, sick, bleeding bodies. I can hardly manage around them as it is, if one were actually bleeding…" I let the thought fade. I didn't need to finish it.

Carlisle looked thoughtful. "I knew from the beginning I didn't want to hurt them, I suppose." He said after a moment. "But it took me centuries to get to this point, Jasper. It wasn't easy, either. I just had to keep working at it, because I knew it was something I wanted."

And I really didn't want this. I thought. Or did I? I allowed myself to fantasize for a minute. To be able to walk among humans freely, without fighting to keep control. To be able to talk to them, to go places where humans were-

To what purpose? Why did I care? I was just getting to the point where I recognized that they were more than just a source of food. I didn't really care to 'hang out' with any of them. So why did I need to be able to be around them?

Alice went among them, I reminded myself. She liked to go shopping. I would be able to go wherever she did, I supposed.

But then, I had been one of them too, once, hadn't I? Hadn't I once been human? I tried to remember what it was like to be human.

Years of horror and blood and violence had all but erased my memories of being human. I struggled to remember, to bring up long forgotten pictures.

I had been a soldier. That I remembered. I could clearly remember that I had been a major in the Civil War. Major Jasper Whitlock. I had been young, only twenty when I was bitten.

I tried to think farther back. There was a farm, I remembered vaguely. I tried to remember people. A face swam in my mind, a girl.

A few years younger than I, with long hair as blonde and as curly as mine. Small for her age, the thought came to me, but willing to do more than her share of work.

Jazzy, she used to call me, though as to what her name had been, I had no idea. She had been my sister.

She had known I was going to leave. Had cried, but bravely promised to take care of the family. Of the little ones. Of Ma.

Sis. We'd all called her Sis.

We? I wasn't even sure who _we_ were. I sighed.

Perhaps Carlisle had sensed that I was no longer mentally with him, but he had fallen into silence, one that, as I came back to the present, I appreciated.

I had been human once. I had cared for humans as well. For that reason, at least, I would do this.

Even if it meant going back to school again tomorrow.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.

Author's note: Sorry it took so long to update. I have been exceedingly busy with school and life and everything in general. I am going to _try _(no promises) to update this and another fic once a week, though it may be just a short chapter at times. I beg your indulgance, and am flattered that you guys enjoy my stories to the point that you encourage me not to neglect them. It means a lot to me. Anyway, here's this, sorry for the wait, I'll try to do better. Also, I probably won't be able to start the next Survival story for a while. My goal is to start that sometime in December. I just don't have any time before then, and I do apologize for that. In the meantime, may I suggest you look through my favorites or even through other categories of stories I have written and see if you enjoy anything from there.


	58. Chapter 58

Esme greeted me enthusiastically as I came through the door. She was happy to see me, I noticed. She had been lonely in the house by herself. She was also eager to hear about my day. Hesitantly, I began to talk.

I found in her a sympathetic listener. She understood temptation, frustration, all of it. Perhaps not as intense as what I experienced, but she didn't judge me either. She simply listened, and I found myself telling her what little I had remembered earlier. About my sister.

It was frustrating. She was all I could remember of my human life. My life as a vampire, until recently, was nothing I wanted to remember. I wished I could remember more about her, about my family. My mother, my father, my siblings – had I had any other than just the one?

I knew more about my current 'family' than I did about my own biological family. I felt more for these near strangers than I did about this sister I had once had.

I froze as Esme suddenly leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. I had been saying all this out loud, I realized as she tried to comfort me. I was surprised to find I didn't really mind.

A second later I was shocked as I realized that I had not reacted aggressively to her sudden approach. I pulled back and stared at Esme, at this woman, and a thought ran through my mind.

I instinctively did not consider her a threat.

She let me go abruptly. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "You just seemed so sad, I didn't even think about-"

"It's okay." I interrupted her. "Really." She wasn't sure whether or not to believe me. She wasn't sure what to do now, whether or not I was upset with her. "Thank you." I said softly, and was rewarded with her smile as she realized I was being honest.

I couldn't remember my real mother. It had been so many years ago, and I had forgotten so much. But Esme was so much of what I had always imagined a mother should be. Did I dare, like the others, to accept her as such?

I knew it was what she wanted, and to be honest, a part of me longed for the same. But it felt like betrayal, like I was turning my back on the mother I could no longer remember.

I wasn't ready for this. So much was happening so quickly. It was too much change all at once.

I hesitated, then smiled at Esme, and backed away. She let me, though she had been hoping my reaction would be otherwise. I took a deep, unnecessary breath.

"So how was your day?" I asked.

Disclaimer: The world of Twilight does not belong to me.


	59. Chapter 59

I thought my first day of school had been hard. It was nothing compared to the second.

Every eye turned to stare when Edward and I entered the room. He nodded politely and went to his seat. I tried to ignore everyone as I went to mine. It was a pointless exercise; I could not forget the twenty-some warm bodies that were in the room, and even if I had managed to on the way to my seat, I would have quickly been reminded when a large group of them surrounded us, chattering and talking and getting way to close for comfort. They would have been too close even if I didn't have a problem with resisting the urge to drink their blood.

I stared at the surface of my desk. _I did not want to kill these humans. _I reminded myself of this desperately. It had become a sort of mantra for me in these past two days. I clung to it, oblivious to what was going on around me.

I was losing it. I had to get out of here, whether it caused a scene or not. I stood a little too quickly, and nearly knocked over several students as I darted for the door. I thought I heard Edward call after me, but I didn't dare stay to hear what he said.

I was out in the hall now. I shook my head, trying to clear it, trying to calm down. I was shaken, though, and was having trouble thinking of anything other than how easy it would have been to kill all of them back there. How easy it still could be. I swallowed nervously.

When the bell rang for class to start I knew I needed to be back in there. I hoped I wouldn't cause too much trouble by coming in after class had started.

The teacher was calling roll as I slipped back in. He looked up from his list as I walked towards my seat, but said nothing.

"Sorry." I muttered to Edward as I sat down. He merely shrugged.

The rest of the class was torture, my thirst all I could think about. Not only that, but all my nerves, all my instincts screamed at me. I wanted to hunt. There was prey here.

_Not anymore,_ I reminded myself frantically. Humans weren't prey any more. I didn't like killing humans. I didn't want to kill them.

After an eternity, class ended and I was released. I was out of there as fast as possible without arousing suspicion, Edward not far behind.

"Sorry." I said again as we reached the parking lot. Edward shook his head.

"I should have said something." He said. "I knew they were interested in you. I just didn't realize they were _that _interested."

I sighed. Was this really worth it?

"I didn't have to drag you out of there." Edward commented. "That means you knew to leave before you _did_ lose control. That's an improvement."

Not much of one, but better than nothing, I supposed.

Edward shrugged. "Be patient. It may take you a while. It took time, even for Carlisle."

Carlisle was in the parking lot again, waiting for me. I was glad, though part of me felt guilty for putting him through such an inconvenience. I said goodbye to Edwardand got in the car. I was able to breathe again, as we headed home. I had made it through another day. As I let out a sigh of relief, the thought occurred to me.

If I were going to do this again tomorrow, I would need to hunt again. There was no way I would get through another day of this otherwise.

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.


	60. Chapter 60

Day three was a disaster. I never even made it to the classroom.

I guess she had cut herself or something. I don't really know. I didn't really care. All I knew was she smelled like blood, so she was prey. I went after her.

I stopped short as Alice materialized in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck with a squeal. She hugged me, then let go. She took my hand, and pulled me away from the girl and through a door. I followed, suddenly too confused to be sure _what_ was going on.

We were now in a closet, but it was at least partly away from the humans. It wasn't much, but it was something.

I sank to the ground, tired of fighting, tired of the stress, tired of the pain of resisting natural instinct and the burning in my throat. Alice sank down beside me, and leaned her head against my arm.

"Sorry." I whispered. She was relieved, probably that I hadn't bitten the girl.

"You don't need to be." She said. "You're trying your best. And you _are_ getting better."

"Slowly." I added. "Very slowly."

She nodded. "You'll get it, I know you will. Don't get frustrated because it doesn't happen all at once."

I sighed. I knew she was right. "It's just so hard." I said. "Even if the others did have trouble when they started too, they don't _now_. I'm struggling, and they make it look easy, and whether they've had more practice at it or not doesn't make me _feel_ any less pathetic when I freak out at the grocery store and bite Carlisle. I mean, I bit _Carlisle_, of all people."

Alice offered me a sympathetic smile. "I know." She said. "But you don't want to give up."

"No." I agreed. "I don't." I sighed. "I just wish it weren't so hard."

"It _will_ get easier." She promised. "If you stick with it." She fell silent. I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes, wondering if it really ever would get easier.

"Can we just stay here?" I asked after a moment. "Do we have to go to class?"

Alice chuckled. "Someone will come looking for us, and they'll find us in the janitor's closet, and they'll call our parents and we'll be in trouble for sneaking off together and making out, and Emmett will never let us hear the end of it."

I groaned. "To class we go then." I grumbled.

Alice giggled. "Your choice. Whichever you want."

"I don't want either." I pointed out. I smiled at her. "I'd rather just stay here, with you, for the rest of eternity."

She smiled back and stood up on tiptoe to kiss me on the cheek.

* * *

Disclaimer: Twilight does not belong to me.

Author's Note: Sorry, I know it's been a while, and this is really short after such a wait. I'm sorry. But the plan, now that school's started up again, is to update once a week, but I'm not making any promises. I'll _try_. Also, of course, please review. It's very gratifying to know that people are reading and enjoying your work. Or not enjoying, as the case may be. I'm open to suggestions on improving it as well.


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